Last Laps

Greetings, Readers.

I hate to sound like I'm doing this as a chore, but right now that's what my whole life seems to feel like. I'm not entirely sure if I completely understand why, but it just seems as if even waking up to face the day is something I don't want to do anymore. If it's a night I have to work, I almost have to twist my own arm to get myself out of bed and get ready to go. While I'm at work, I constantly am having to fight the urge to just say "forget this, I'm going home".

Part of it, I think, is the combination of my body and mind coming into that "last lap of the race" feeling. It's the bittersweet sensation that tells you "I've been running so long, and I'm so tired I just can't run anymore," while at the same time it says "I'm almost there, jsut a little bit further and I'll be finished." By this, I am referring to the fact that I am almost ready to take my A+ Certification exam. I've completed all the lessons and exercises offered in the course that I'm taking, and am now just putting myself through the practice tests until I am fully confident I'm ready for the real thing. While I continue to do this, however, my body, mind, and spirit are all in the back seat screaming "Are we there YET?!?!"

I guess the only driving force I have going now is the fact that I know, once this part of the "race" is over with, I'll be accelerating quickly towards several long-awaited goals. The first of these would be a better paying, and slightly less stressful job than the one that I'm in now, with a much more flexible schedule. Granted, third shift allows for a great deal of flexibility in the sense that you're almost never working during typical "business" hours, and therefore have the whole day to get things accomplished without having work get in the way of the daytime schedule. However, it does make things difficult when you want to cram a lot of stuff into one week, particularly when all the stuff runs during different portions of the day, and then have to work your sleep schedule around that.

The next goal would be a place of our own to stay in. My outlook on this is helped very much by a small vision I had last year around Christmas. It's actually quite odd the way it happened, because my prayer life hadn't been any better then than it ever has in any other point in my life, and I wasn't particularly engaged in conversation with God at the time, or even really thinking about this particular subject. In fact, for me, it was just another night at work. For everyone else in the world, it was Christmas Eve, a wonderful time of celebration in preparation for the next day, meant to be spent at home with the family. But, for me, it was just another night at work. In the middle of this mild depression over spending a "holiday night" at work instead of at home, God must have known (since he knows everything anyway) that I needed a little more fuel in my fire.

As I was reaching down to get a plastic bag for a customer (one of a great many we had that night), just going about my typical business, a vision entered my mind completely out of nowhere. I saw my daughter, not much older than she was at the time, sitting in a room that I did not recognize. I don't recall anything more about the scene itself than that, but there was a feeling of festivity in the room, along with a unique feeling of belonging. Then, the vision was gone, leaving behind an immense feeling of hope, and I knew immediately what it meant. This time (Christmas) next year (2005), I would not be in the place that I am in right now. It would be a place of our own. Whether it be a house, trailer, or apartment, it would be one that belonged to us. That brightened my Christmas more than anything else that year.

Meanwhile, however, life still goes on. The battle to keep one's head above water remains a burdensome one. All I can do is just keep running the race until I finally reach the finish line. And then, It'll be another race to run. But this time, it will be with a renewed energy, and in much more enjoyable surroundings.

- Iszi