My Thoughtspace

Patience

2007-01-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

I usually consider myself a pretty patient person when it comes to waiting on things and dealing with people. I mean, I'll usually get inwardly aggravated and frustrated to one degree or another - often to the extent of expressing it to whomever will listen nearby - but usually when it comes to the person that I'm actually dealing with, I'm pretty cool. I usually try to give them their time to do whatever it is I need them to do, or try to give them some extra forgiveness as I attempt to get them to understand one thing or another.

Today though, that patience is gone. I don't know exactly where it went, but all of a sudden my tolerance level for anything has dropped to nil. Someone tried to ask for a status update on some tasks which I'd only recently been given, and not had nearly sufficient time to even look at, and my first (internal) response to them was "Cease ye thou senseless drivel, lest I layeth my smack-down upon thee!". The external response was slightly more courteous, but still to the same point. Where I would normally try to make some small show of apologetics and attempt to settle them down, I just flat said in short: "You're not giving me enough time, and your expectations aren't even consistent enough for me to understand what time you are giving me, so just back off and I'll get to it when I can!"

Another instance, one guy asks me for an update on a case that he's been asking me about for a good week or so. There's really nothing I can do from my position right now, and I'm waiting on response from another company before I can do anything at all. He knows that already, so I told him to try contacting another group in our company that is more specialized for handling these types of cases. He says they told him there's nothing they can do either, and wants to know if there's any way I can force the other company into action. My response, summarized: "Well, if there was, wouldn't the more specialized team have known this and possibly told you about it?"

Quite frankly, I don't know what my damn problem is today, but I'm starting to get tired of dealing with it! Sure, I doubt the caffeine I've been taking lately (in the form of one daily dose of Starbucks Doubleshot, and occasionally another "energy drink") hasn't helped, but right now that's about the only thing that can keep me going after lunchtime.

In the words of Bilbo Baggins:

"I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to."

Of course, if I were to take the 5 days of vacation time I still have left over from last year, I would probably come back. But by "vacation" I really mean a vacation from everything. Work, home, family, life, the whole shebang. I just want to get away where no one can find me for awhile and chill out. Get some time to shake the world off of me, and get refreshed.

I just want to get in my car, take nothing but the clothes on my back, and leave nothing behind but rubber and road. Then, when I get where I'm going, I don't want to be bothered. I don't want anyone to call me, talk to me, or even see me. I want to just spend some time somewhere that the whole world will just leave me the hell alone!

Maybe that's an extreme end of my frustration, but that's really what I'm feeling. Until then, back to the daily grind...

ZUJU Sounds Like A Cool Word...

2007-01-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is further proof that (caffeine == bad for brain cells)! The last four characters of one person's alphanumeric ID number in our system are "ZUJU" and I couldn't help but think when I saw that, "that looks like a cool word - gotta find some meaning for it"!

So, zuju - pronounced "z00-j00" - is my new favorite word. I've just gotta figure out what it's supposed to mean now. Any ideas? It would be such a shame to see this cool sounding phonetic arrangement go to waste. Maybe I'll give up on meaning and just make it my new screen name. Yeah, maybe...

Somebody help me, please!

Blah... New Memo

2007-01-18T22:36:00.000-05:00

Memo to me:

When editing your blog template, the "Back" button is not your friend!

Just spent a good half hour or so putting some of the stuff from my old template into the new one, and one usage of the "Back" button along the way seems to have jacked the whole thing up. Oh, well. Back to square one.

Now... who remembers that TV show?

Blogger 2.0

2007-01-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

Well, the new Blogger is out, out of Beta, and now finally applied to my own blog! Wow, lookie at all the shiny new buttons! This might just catch enough of my interest to bring me back more often for awhile! Not that I don't mean to come back at all, it just keeps dropping down my list of priorities when I kind of wish it wouldn't.

Anyhoo, I'll be sticking my head in here to make some layout updates (some much needed and overdue) and hopefully a few new posts along the way. Maybe even get around to some of those unfinished thoughts, finally. We'll see.

Still hangin' around,

- Iszi

Brain Dump

2006-12-20T15:57:00.000-05:00

Right now (as has been the case often lately) my mind is a mess of disorganized random thoughts. Pardon while I dump. This probably won't be the last time, either.

I know that I am bound.
Why can't I be free from these chains I have found.
I don't know what they really are, but only that they are there.

...

I'm constantly wandering, wondering.
Aimlessly, pointlessly.
Lamenting that which I don't understand.
Treasuring that which I do.

...

There's an answer within my reach.
It's there, but I can't see.
I'm grasping at thin air.
It taunts me, tormenting me with every unsuccessful strain I make to grasp it.

...

Two roads diverged, but this is no yellow wood.
I've looked down both as far as I could.
The darkness is foreboding and so I stay put.
I feel the ground shaking, collapsing underfoot.

Food for Thought

2006-12-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Something interesting that has crossed my mind today, and is now the source of one of the lesser (albeit probably most important) quandaries that currently plagues my consciousness:

Christianity professes that there is one God who is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Christianity says that it is our choice to follow Him or not to follow Him. To not follow Him is operating outside of His will, and walking in sin.

All of this, I have been taught and lead to believe and accept through all of my life. Now, here's the killer:

Given the existence of an omniscient and omnipotent being in the universe (be it God or otherwise) how can we be sure that any choice we make is truly our own? How can we be sure that any thought we have comes from our own head?

So, first we are asked to choose to believe that there is a God who has created, and can control the entire universe. But to choose to believe that, we also have to believe it possible that the choice was never really ours to make in the first place.

Yes, the truth is the same whether we believe it or not, but the question remains whether our belief or disbelief is truly an option? Even as I write this, I cannot be sure - believing in an all-knowing, all-powerful God - that these words are actually of my own composure.

In the end of course, it all comes down to faith. But faith rests upon belief, and when one's belief is shaken like this, where does their faith have to stand?

Breaking Point

2006-12-14T14:37:00.000-05:00

Here I am again.
I don't want to be here.
Why have I come here?
What draws me to this place?

The world is spinning around me.
I feel like I'm standing still.
I just want to let go.
And run!

To run, and be free.
To run, and be me.
To find who I am,
And come back a whole man.

What has brought me here?
Why can't I leave?
What is keeping me here?
Why can't I breathe?

To wish for freedom,
A man first finds himself bound.
What if that freedom is wrong?
An answer cannot be found.

I just want...

To run, and be free.
To run, and be me.
To find who I am,
And come back a whole man.

I stand at the edge.
On the other side is broken.
Which way will I break?
Has the answer already been spoken?

Do I have a choice?
Can true freedom be found
In this bondage I wish to break?
Or will I just break down?

I still feel the need...

To run, and be free.
To run, and be me.
To find who I am,
And come back a whole man.

Devil, get away from me!
Jesus' blood is over me!
Holy Spirit comfort me!
God, come down and guide me...

To run, and be free.
To run, and be me.
To find who I am,
And come back a whole man.

- Iszi

Worship Conspiracy - Disciple

2006-12-08T15:03:00.000-05:00

Another great song from Disciple. They get their point across, and don't seem to care who they offend meanwhile. Seriously, how does our worship measure up to those of other religions? Even the least-practicing members of many other major world religions leave the average Christian in the dust when it comes to worshipping their God.

Who are we, believers in the one true, most high God - believers in the only god who has laid down the life of His son for all mankind - to be ranked among the most apathetic worshippers of all religions? Even being a guilty party myself, I find the thought obscenely appalling.

Worship Conspiracy - Disciple

They ride all around town,
Get me to believe what they found.
They knock on my door,
Saying Jesus is not the Lord.

Pray to Buddha every day,
Put us to shame in every way.
Muslim fasting forty days,
We can't lift our hands in praise?

God deserves more
Than what we're giving Him!

They bow to a piece of wood,
But it won't do them any good.
Meditate on false light,
While we sit and watch the day go by.

Observe all traditions,
While we sleep late on Easter morning.
They fall on their face,
While we just abound in grace.

Pray to Buddha every day,
Put us to shame in every way.
Muslim fasting forty days,
We can't lift our hands in praise?

God deserves more
Than what we're giving Him.

God deserves more
Than what we're giving Him!

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the Lord.

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the Lord!

Pray to Buddha every day,
Put us to shame in every way.
Muslim fasting forty days,
We can't lift our hands in praise?

God deserves more
Than what we're giving Him.

God deserves more
Than what we're giving Him!

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the Lord.

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the Lord!

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the son of God.

Worthy!
Every knee will bow, tongue confess
That Jesus is the Lord!

Unfinished Thoughts

2006-12-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

Talk about irony. I tried starting this post yesterday, and ended up closing the window later on in the day when I was doing something else, before I published it. *sigh*

So, I've got a few posts sitting in my blog that are invisible to everyone but me because they are not complete. They are my "Drafts". These are posts that I started typing at some point or another, and never really finished. I either ran out of time to finish typing them, or ran out of energy to type with and saved them thinking "I'll come back to this later".

Probably more numerous are the posts that actually were published, but really never completed. They end in something like "More on this later" or something otherwise representing a free flow of thought coming to an abrupt halt. Again, I had a good thing going with a strong train of thought running out into cyberspace here and either ran out of time, or got otherwise distracted, and had to wrap it up much more quickly than I'd intended.

Even worse are the thoughts that never made it on here at all. Something that I think about during the day triggers my mind to say "I should blog about that!" but I'm either too busy or too distracted to do it then, and never get around to doing it later. There's so many subjects that I probably would have loved to delve into that never got explored because they ended up like this.

All of this is starting to really frustrate me. What's worse is that I often find I've lost the particular spark I once had for a subject, when I try to come back to complete it. The idea was good, and the subject very much interesting, but I just can't seem to remember clearly enough where I was going with it or why to be able to finish it off.

Such is a graveyard of dreams. Ideas begun, but never finished. Optimistically, I'd like to say I'll get to them some day - in fact, I've promised a few people I would on some - but realistically I doubt it. I really hope I do though. It's been awhile since I've allowed my mind a chance to do some serious wandering on a subject, and I really do enjoy the times that it wanders.

I will say one of the more interesting - and potentially dangerous - things on my list of "Wanderings To Do" is the plot behind the movie "The Da Vinci Code", which I recently saw on DVD. First, I'll try to wrap up what loose ends I already have though.

- Iszi

I Just Know - Disciple

2006-12-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

I've recently started listening to a Christian metal band called "Disciple". Their songs carry strong messages with an up-in-your-face attitude, which a lot of Christians and non-Christians alike should take heed to listen to. Below is one of my current favorites:

I Just Know - Disciple

I just know Jesus is the way,
I just know Jesus is the truth,
I just know Jesus is the life,
I just know Jesus is my God!

What makes you different from one another?
Why do you argue about who you follow?
There is no man that you belong to.
There's only one God that can claim you.

I don't care if you can speak in tongues.
I don't care if you're into submersion.
What does it matter if wear a liturgical robe,
Or prophesy and say God said so?

I just know Jesus is the way,
I just know Jesus is the truth,
I just know Jesus is the life,
I know that Jesus is my God!

I know that Jesus is the way,
I know that Jesus is the truth,
I know that Jesus is the life,
I know that Jesus is my God!

Do you serve your name, or do you serve mankind?
Would you feel the same if they took down your sign?
Could you sit next to me if I was Baptist or Presbyterian,
Or do I need to be a charismatic or Episcopalian?

I don't care if you drink grape juice or if it's wine,
And I don't care if you get out of church on time.
What does it matter if you praise God with music in your church,
Or you burn your dead or bury them six feet in the dirt?

I just know Jesus is the way,
I just know Jesus is the truth,
I just know Jesus is the life,
I just know Jesus is my God!

I know that Jesus is the way,
I know that Jesus is the truth,
I know that Jesus is the life,
I know that Jesus is my God!

I don't care if you clap your hands.
I don't care if you get out in the aisle and dance.
What's it matter if someone lets out a hallelujah shout?
Have we forgotten what praising Yahweh is all about?

I just know Jesus is the way,
I just know Jesus is the truth,
I just know Jesus is the life,
I know that Jesus is my God!

I know that Jesus is the way,
I know that Jesus is the truth,
I know that Jesus is the life,
I know that Jesus is my God!

A Short Memo

2006-11-22T09:07:00.000-05:00

Memo to me:

1.) Honda Civics are a bit harder to push than they look.
2.) Winter air burns hard-working lungs...
3.) ...and continues to do so for no less than 45 minutes after they're done working hard.

I'll be okay in a bit, I promise. Just a few more pieces of my diaphragam left to cough up and I should be fine.

Blue-Pillin' it Today

2006-10-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today is a blue-pill day so far. Sometimes I'm glad it's that way, but other times I wish it weren't. It's like they say about paranoia, "What's worse - being paranoid, or knowing you should be?". I think the movie The United States of Leland says it perfectly:

"I think there are two ways you can see the world. You either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all out." - Leland

No matter which you choose, the "sadness" is still there. "Ignorance is bliss" they say, but that's only until reality smacks you in the face. Then you have a choice: Either accept the reality for what it is, and do what you can to make it better if needed (even if that requires making your personal reality a little worse for a time), or try to continue on as you were.

If the latter is chosen, you will slowly but eventually return to the state of ignorance you were in, and maybe even feel like you are happier for it. But, since you have been made aware of reality, you will never again be completely ignorant - never completely blissful. Once in awhile, something will come up or your mind will wander to just the right place and then - BAM! - you're back in reality again dealing with the same thing you've been trying to stay happy ignoring.

So, what is my choice? I wish it were simple as white or black. For now, I'll have to go with gray though. I choose to keep reality at arms-length. I'll not likely ever completely lose sense of the "sadness" that is there, but at the same time I can't let it bother me until I've figured out what to do about it. So, I'm stuck in a state of limbo - constantly being jerked from one end to the other.

Today is a "blue pill" day. For now, I'd like to keep it that way.

- Iszi

The Enemy is Within

2006-10-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. - Morpheus, from The Matrix

This has been one of the choices plaguing my mind during my current dilemma. I've started to judge my days by which pill they may be associated to. Usually a "blue pill" day would be probably the closest to "normal" or "good" as it will get. Those are the days when everything is going relatively smoothly, and the issues that have been dominating my thoughts are almost forgotten.

Then, there's the "red pill" days. These are days where I can't help but see the problems for what they are - often because they've manifested themselves in one particular way or another - and end up battling with myself over what or whether to do anything about them. Today so far has been a "red pill" day.

Nothing has really happened today to fire it off this time. Mostly it's just reflection on recent past events that brings my mind to spinning again. Then, I came to a disturbing hypothesis as to the reason that I am in such conflict with myself over what to do here. I am beginning to think my heart has already set itself on one path, while my spirit is desparately trying to move in another. Caught in the middle of this tug-of-war battle is are my mind and - more importantly - my destiny.

In this hypothesis (upon which I have yet to come to a solid conclusion which I would claim as truth) it would seem that my heart is set upon a path that is generally considered destructive, but would leave potential for re-building and a new beginning in the end. Of course, there would be lasting consequences as with any significant decision in life, but the end I would be left with more freedom to seek out a better future. My mind sees that potential and very much longs for it, but has yet to conclude whether the rebuild would be worth the damage that would need to be done.

My spirit wants to hold onto what is here, and strive to make it better. Ideally, this would be the best choice, since no lasting damage would be inflicted. However, not all of this is under my control and my mind has a hard time conceiving how many of the things that need changing could be changed. The mind worries that if the needed improvements cannot be made, perpetuating the status quo even in the name of restoration could have worse lasting effects than destroying and rebuilding it anew.

In the end, the resolution is up to God. The question now is, what is it that He wants to do here? Another question - What can He do here. Blasphemous as it may sound, I do wonder what are the limits that God has in changing a person. He created us each unique, with specific traits and a specific purpose in mind. Who are we to ask that He change any person? Are we to expect Him to say "Oops, my bad. Let me fix that for you." when in fact it is much more likely that we messed up His work?

Some may claim that you can't mess up God's will. He's too big and powerful to have His will affected by the actions of one person. While on a large scale that may be true, on a personal scale I beg to differ. We can mess up God's will for our lives. This was first proven in the Garden of Eden. I believe that free will was given to man as a gift, but we have turned it into our own curse with dire consequences.

God wanted us to live in a peaceful paradise where we could walk with him and converse with him every day. But, Adam - yes, I said Adam - dropped the ball on that one bigtime when he chose to ignore a threat to his household, and allowed the serpent to tempt his wife (with himself soon to follow) out of God's will. So, Adam and Eve were cast from the Garden forever as punishment for misusing their free will. The land that they were sent to was cursed so that Adam had to struggle laboriously for it to bear fruit. In similar fashion, Eve also was caused to suffer pain in bearing child.

Have I been cast from the Garden for my mistakes? Yes, Jesus did come to die for our sins, and rose again to return another day. Yes, we are forgiven and not damned to suffer in the eternal. Yes, through Jesus, we can have a closer walk with God. But, does that exempt us from the Earthly consequences of our actions? Most definitely not. Biblically, I cannot think of one example where a person was completely exempted from the lasting consequences of something they screwed up on Earth, even though they were forgiven in Heaven.

At the same time, we are told that God does not want us to live miserably. He wants us to have the "abundant life". While God's hand is necessary in the fulfillment of that life, our choices have drastic effect on the promotion or destruction of that life.

So - when faced with such a choice - how do you know you're making the right one?

Someone asked me awhile ago if I was okay. My response was yes and no: By reading my recent blog entries, I think any person can come to the conclusion that things are pretty messed up in my head right now. That's not OK. What is OK in me so far, is that I am still able to think logically and rationally when making decisions, and I've yet to make any significant moves based on emotion or sudden impulse. Hopefully, that will last at least until the right course of action is laid out and seen as such.

Meanwhile, I need peace.

Nike

2006-10-11T01:12:00.000-04:00

Change can be a bitch.

Not so long ago, I was enjoying my new position and actually getting a chance to breathe during my days at work while things seemed to be so much simplified. That didn't last long. A few weeks ago, the person who trained me for this new position left the company. That left me being the only person around who fully knew how to do (and was assigned to do) the job that I have just recently learned.

Normally, I would consider this an intriguing challenge. Okay, maybe intriguing isn't quite exactly the word, but it is 1 AM right now. What makes this different however is that, while this job can be theoretically run by one person, the workload dictates a need for two - or at least one full-time and one part-time person. Unfortunately, that's not happening quite soon enough.

The good news is, backup is coming in a couple weeks (or so I'm told). The bad news is, backup is still a couple weeks away. My managers have told me time and again to let them know when I think I'm in too deep. They say they'll understand, given the nature of the job. While that may be, I am reluctant to call on them because I really don't know what can be done to help things. There's not much that I do that anyone else fully has knowledge, access, or time to help with.

I keep thinking that if I can just have one day where I can focus hard and shove my nose to the grindstone, I can knock out most of the backlog that's been built up. Then the phone rings. Or another e-mail comes. Or someone sends an IM. There's always something demanding my immediate attention away from tasks at hand.

Of course, this recent head case that I've developed hasn't helped anything. Any time I have had without phone calls or attention-demanding e-mails or IMs, has been occupied by the wanderings of my mind as it tries to decipher itself and its current quandary. I will say it's gotten better lately. Particularly this week, I've had an overall better time focusing on work than I have in the past couple weeks. Then again, that may be out of pure necessity, since I've come to fully realize and recognize the magnitude of the task at hand in my workplace.

In any case, I worry that it is all too little too late. Yes, I've regained focus. But now, the period of lacking has set me much further behind than I should ever have fallen. And still, there are the times where I need to just put my head down and crank up the music to drown out the noise in my head.

I can do this. It can be done. I know I can, and I know it can be. Now if I could just get it done!

Just do it!

Just Shut Up

2006-10-05T16:03:00.000-04:00

Have you ever tried to advise or console someone, and only end up finding that your words are probably more counterproductive than anything? That happened to me today. A friend is being attacked right now by Satan, something that particularly pisses me off, and I wanted to express my shared feelings on a thought that she had expressed since it related quite much to what I am going through these days.

Part of the problem with that I guess is that I'm still in the middle of dealing with my own things, and so what came out was a half-formed thought. That one didn't seem particularly good or bad on it's own. In retrospect, maybe it wasn't so great. But I know the latter half (which I also expressed when it hit me) was definitely on the negative side.

The saying goes, "Think before you speak." What they forget to tell you is to finish thinking first.

Of course, then there's times when - thought completed or not - it seems I should just plain shut up. I seem to have had an especially hard time with this lately as I have so much within me to express to some people but I don't feel that the relationship or environment surrounding myself and them are particularly appropriate ones for me to express myself in. So, I usually end up rambling on about one thing or another trying to drive my mind away from what it is I want to say.

Boundaries are an interesting thing, I guess. We all have to live within and obey certain boundaries. If we don't then there would be mass disorder in the world, and it would be a generally unpleasant place to live in. But sometimes boundaries can lead to too much confusion. Like, when someone has a thought or intention that may not be entirely (or at all) inappropriate or unethical, but steps outside the realm of conventional boundaries they are left dumbfounded with themselves in deciding what to do.

I think I'm rambling on again. This is another realm of fuzzy boundary, here. Of course, why should I expect anyone to understand me when I don't even understand myself?

I'll just shut up now. What was I talking about, anyway?

Ignorance is Bliss

2006-10-03T03:08:00.000-04:00

So, I've been struggling with the issues of personal identity, lust, and the present/future effects of past decisions for a good while now. I would say probably a couple weeks. Aside from my own stubborn self-reliance, the worst part of all this is the fact that it almost constantly is occupying my thoughts.

Most of this thought interference usually arises at work. While I have more than enough to keep me busy there, my brain almost always has some idle processing time to ponder over the various aspects of my situation. I find myself being distracted by desires for things I should not want, or thoughts of past decisions I have made wrong. Often, my imagination wanders towards what would be different if I had made decisions differently in the past or - in some ways, worse - what could be different if I made decisions now to change my future in certain ways. Then the "idle process" thoughts tend to bloat themselves into the space in my mind that I need to focus on work, and I become rather unproductive. Not a good thing when you've got the workload of one and a half people on your shoulders every day. (Fortunately, that should be relatively short-lived.)

When I am home, these thoughts usually end up faded into background static. There's often more than enough to keep my mind occupied with things in the present, or just generally entertained. Once in awhile, an idle process will be freed up to wander on its own tangent, but it seems easier to snatch it back here, in most cases.

Part of me wants to run, part of me wants to break, and another part just wants to shut down and forget this ever came up. While the former two are almost completely destructive to self and family, the third option seems to be trying to take dominance over my consciousness now. While ignoring one's own internal battles can in some sense make them go away, I know the calm is only temporary. However, calm is still calm. I just want to forget this thing ever came up in my mind, and try to go on with my life - with business as usual.

However, something inside of me still screams, "Business as usual is no longer acceptable!" While I can and very much would like to just shut it off into the deep recesses of netherthought, I also know that what it says is true and will not change. If I shut it off now, it will just come back later and I will be in the same spot or worse. So, I have to find a way to take care of it now, for once and for all.

The only question now is... how?

I know that I already know the answer, and have said it once or twice. But that is still another battlefield to be written about in another blog.

Lust is a Demon

2006-10-02T10:28:00.000-04:00

I find it amazing how one can long for something that they can't have, long after they've decided they do not want that longing.

...or have they?

Lust is truly an amazing thing. We see it everywhere in TV ads, billboards, magazines, and the like. Yet over half of all marraiges end in divorce, many because of this lust. Why society would perpetuate the feeding of the monster that is destroying it is truly beyond me.

Yet still, a person can find themselves struggling with the same dilemma from within. They may grow an attraction towards something or someone they cannot have and should not want, and yet still are unable to shut down whatever it is inside that draws them to it. Even when a person recognizes the presence and nature of this destructive force, they are still inexorably drawn towards it.

So, what is a person to do when the find themselves wanting something that they do not want to want?

Self-Questioning and Self-Doubt

2006-09-28T16:04:00.000-04:00

Continuing on the previous post...

So, now you've got the big long backstory. Let's come up to present day. I've been floating about all my life blissfully ignorant of the fact that I don't quite know who I am as a person up until now. Now that it's hit me, I find myself emotionally and psychologically panicked on a few levels.

Normally, I'm not one to be panicked in general, let alone in any emotional sense. Remember, it wasn't too many years ago when I didn't even know I had emotions. So, the experience has become quite disturbing for me. I'll try to break it all down, here.

The first stage that I've hit, and probably just about gotten over, is the stage of suprise. My mind kinda woke up and said "Wait, what the hell?". This is immediately followed by one of what's soon to be many self-questionings, "How could I let this happen?". I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent, generally insightful, and always aware of what's going on in my mind. The latter of those is what has helped to contain and control my emotions in times of duress, throughout the years.

Next comes the questioning of the past. "What have I been doing all this time, making life-changing decisions without knowing who I am? How can I make the decision that's best for me if I don't even know me?" This is probably one of the most bothersome, as it brings into question everything I've done in the past that is affecting my present and will affect my future and the futures of those around me. Particularly under attack have come my marraige and career as well as other less (but still) significant areas of life.

Then there's the "What might have been." phase. I have a pretty good imagination, and my mind will ponder the stupidest things down to the most minute detail if I let it wander too far. So, some of its idle time has been spent (whether I want it to or not) thinking about how things might be different if I had known myself back in high school, not too many years ago. Those were the years where the decisions most pertinent to my present and future were made.

While still stuck on those last two questions, my proactive thinker is starting to kick in and say "Okay, what do we do now?". This is probably one of the hardest questions, as all I can seem to come up with is to find a magic lamp and wish for a RESET button on my life. Other alternatives have included just running off somewhere to spend some time (a long time) on my own and study myself, or just shut this whole thought process down and claim blissful ignorance.

I can already see down those roads far enough to know that those aren't really good ideas, but then again nothing is really going to seem like a good idea from here, is it? Humans fear change by nature, and anything that I would need to do to get out of this rut and fix what has been broken is going to require significant change in one form or another.

For now, I guess all I can do is sit here and think. Ponder the situation, and hope that a good self-analysis can help clear things up. Then again, when you don't know yourself at all, who are you to conduct a "good self-analysis"? Some people keep telling me there's always God to run to. Of course, if there's anyone that should know me better than me, it's Him. But I also feel that I've grown deaf to His voice, and to some degree I even fear what He may have to say. There's that "fear of change" thing kicking in again.

See, unfortunately there is this big difference between knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it. I know there's help waiting for me out there, I just need to look in the right place. I know the right place, I'm just scared to go there. Why? If I've been so far separated from emotion for so much of my life, why let fear control me now?

I guess I'm only human. Pray for me please.

- Iszi

Gone to Find Myself (At least, in My Mind...)

2006-09-28T11:49:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, after yet another extended hiatus I have returned once again. For how long this time, is anyone's guess. While I do sometimes regret not having put as much time and effort into keeping consistent with my originally intended schedule and purpose of posting this blog, it is still comforting to know that it is always here ready to listen when I need to talk.

So, not too long after I had posted about my recent progress down the path of self discovery, I posted about a loss of self-identity. As confusing as this may sound, there really is no self-contradiction in that. It seems that in the process of discovering the truly masculine part of my being, I have come to realize how little of myself I really know.

When I think about it, I can identify the source of this problem, but cannot think of a feasable solution. Some of the problem is of my own doing, some of it not. All of it is in the past, leaving me with uncertain feelings about my future.

In my youth, I was often the target of peer abuse. The class bullies (or anyone else feeling superior enough) would typically gravitate towards me before finding any other targets for their amusement. This lasted through most of my elementary school years, and didn't let up until nearly halfway through high school.

I may never fully understand what brought it on, or what finally stopped it, but what I do understand now is the damage that it caused. During those years, and for years afterwards, I was a social recluse. I would usually be the one finding some obscure corner in the cafeteria for lunch, dropping it all down the hatch as quickly as possible, then disappearing to the library or somewhere I could be by myself. (Sadly, now that I look at it again, I still do that at lunch most times.) Anyone I would "hang out" with would usually be connected to some special interest group (Band, NJROTC, Chess Club, FCA/Student Venture) and I would usually only be around them when those groups were meeting.

An interesting thing about this period is that not only was I secluding myself from others, I was also pretty well shut down inside. For some time during my teenage years, I often wondered if I even knew what emotion was, let alone how to feel it. Later, any time I would take to learn about myself, I would usually be taking from others. That's not necessarily a bad thing, when you are by nature (and years of "training") careful about selecting the friends and groups that you allow to feed this to you. But still, it's not the real deal. When you don't even know you, how can you expect others to be able to know you well enough to teach you about yourself?

Fortunately for me, my trust has always been with God to some degree or another, and also with His people. When they would try to feed something into my life, I would usually listen. The upside is that the food there is usually good, but the downside is it's not your own food. You can only survive off it so long before you start to die for lack of being able to feed yourself.

The second problem I've had is lack of isolation at home in my lifetime. I can't be sure since I've yet to really experience it, but it would seem there's some things that just can't be learned when living in a busy household or sharing that life with someone else. When I was 18, I moved out of my mom's house and in with my dad. Dad's house was pretty empty, being a three-bedroom house with just him and me there, but I was still working on reclusivity at that time so that didn't help much. A year later I had to move back in with Mom, over which I won't go into detail.

During this time and some time before, I was involved in a long distance, internet-based relationship that would eventually lead to marraige and fatherhood. However, neither of us were financially prepared - individually or collectively - to live on our own. So, we rented the extra room in my aunt's house. It was a relatively small two bedroom house that was also crowded with animals. (To this day, there has never been less than two cats and two dogs in that house. Often more.) There was where we had our daugther and (skipping more details) a couple years later had to move out, but again before we are financially ready to do it on our own... back to Mom again.

Now the house is pretty crowded and almost always busy in one way or another. It's a four bedroom house occupied by my family, my mom and her husband, my sister, and my step-brother. Rarely is there a moment's true peace before 10 PM. Definitely not an enviroment conducive to self-exploration. On the upside, our financial situation is improving although we're still not to a point where we're ready to move out.

Wow. This has turned into a long post, and I fell like I've barely scratched the surface. Guess that's what I get for only posting on blue moons. I'll leave this here for now, and pick it up later.

- Iszi

Searching

2006-09-26T12:44:00.000-04:00

A saying, I don't know how hold, which has been re-phrased and said many times before, on many t-shirts, bumper stickers, and other paraphenalia:

"I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, please keep me here."

That pretty much describes where I am right now. More to come on this later.

Wild At Heart

2006-07-03T15:48:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I feel I am beginning to rediscover myself recently. Or, to be more accurate, I am truly discovering myself for the first time. I knew something has felt a little different inside me this past month, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until yesterday. All I knew is it felt good, and I didn't want it to stop.

This past month, my brother has been down from New York where he serves in the Marines. It was the first time I'd seen him in about 2 years. He stayed for a greater part of June, including both our birthdays (it was his 21st). In that time, he reunited with a good number of his high school friends, and let me tag along for the ride. I've probably "gotten out" more in the past month than I have in my entire (socially reclusive) life, and it has been the best time that I've had!

Add to that the freedom gained by my wife and daughter (both of whom I do still miss very much) vacationing with the in-laws in Illinois, and I have found myself disturbed by how truly chained down I had let myself be for the greater part of my life. (Even before marraige.)

I must disclaimer this by saying I in no way intend this to be taken as me trying to blame my fatherhood or husbandhood (is that a word?) for holding me back from who I am. To the contrary, it has been myself who has done most of the holding back.

I did not realize what this feeling really was until I picked up a book this Sunday from church, which is beginning to rock my world, and totally upturn my perception of myself as a man. The book is called Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge (http://www.ransomedheart.com/). I have only made it through the first chapter and half of the second so far, but it has already had a significant impact on who I believe I am and should be.

It describes how society today, and especially Christian society, has chained down and buried the rugged, adventurous, and aggressive masculine heart that resides in every man. It explains how these parts of a man's personality are integral to their masculinity and placed their by God's design. In short, John explains that it is only natural and healthy for every man to desire and pursue "A Battle to fight. An Adventure to live. A Beauty to rescue.".

The book isn't just for men, either. It is also meant to be a guide to offer insight for women to see why it is that "Boys will be boys" or, as it should be said, "Men should be men". Again, I have only barely scratched the surface of this book myself, but I can tell you so far that it definitely appears to be worthy of the "Books every Man must read" list, if there is one.

I should stop rambling on, especially since I am at work (although it's extremely slow here, since most everyone else isn't here, as we're off tomorrow anyway). I just felt I needed to get this out here. I definitely feel an incredible journey is ahead of me, on my road to self-discovery.

- Iszi

Settling Into Things

2006-06-09T15:59:00.000-04:00

Greetings Readers,

Finally, there seems to be a bit of sanity in my life. At least, in 45 hours out of every week. My job roles have changed a bit, and as I'm learning my new role things have slowed down a bit. I'm getting out of work on time more regularly, and the work that I have to do doesn't take up quite so much of the day that I'm here for. So, there's actually time to breathe here.

I still continue to be amazed at what God has done in my life, both recently and through the past few years. In re-connecting myself with my blogs a bit, I went and reviewed the pictures that are on my photoblog (link at left, cuz I'm too lazy to put it right here just now). I looked through some of the pictures of my daughter, realizing how out-dated they are, and then remembering how I felt when I posted them. My little baby girl was just starting to walk then! Nowadays, when I get home, she doesn't walk anymore. She runs. She runs all the way from the doorstep to the curb where I get out of the car, screaming for joy! She's going to be three this year, too!

Listening to my WinAMP play here, one song really cut in deep and reminded me how it felt to be a new father, almost three years ago now. Lyrics are below:

Creed - With Arms Wide Open

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything, oh yeah...
With arms wide open..wide open

[Guitar Break]

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything

With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

I'll show you everything, oh yeah...
With arms wide open....wide open

Until next time...

- Iszi

Amazing God

2006-06-01T17:31:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, it has been quite some time since I've posted an update actually worth the effort taken to write it. I guess I've just been keeping pretty busy in general. A lot has changed since I started this blog, and all of it is God-given. Most of it is also the reason I'm just now getting a chance to breathe enough to compose my thoughts into words.

Lately, I have had about 11 hours (sometimes more) each day during the business week taken up by work. That's 8 clock hours, one hour lunch, and about two hours going to and from work. Add another hour at the start of the day to get ready for work, and that leaves 4 hours out of a "normal" sleep schedule (16 hours up/8 down) for me to take care of personal business and errands, spend time with the family, and squeeze in a minute or two for myself. Being nocturnal by nature, my sleep schedule usually consists of 6 hours of downtime or less, with the extra uptime spent trying to gather just a little more sanity into my system. This all doesn't include the fact that Monday nights are tied up with 100% "Daddy Duty" time, while my wife is at her small group meeting, and Thursday nights are tied up with the small group meeting that I will be going to shortly. We also still try to make it to The Living Room on Friday nights once in awhile.

I am well aware that for some people, this wold hardly be considered a "busy" life, but for me this is the most hectic it has ever been. Yet, at the same time, I feel somewhat more secure in my life now than I have ever been. This sense of security is what I would like to elaborate upon for awhile, since God has really done some amazing things for me and my family in the past few years.

I'll start with the short version, outlining how various aspects of my life were then and how they are now. "Then" being some time shortly before I started this blog, and "now" being... well, just now.

Living Quarters

Then:
My wife and I were sharing a 10'x11' room with our then-newborn daughter in my Aunt's house. We also had our own bathroom and full access to the living room and kitchen, both of which had some of our stuff in them but were not ours exclusively. My Aunt is a smoker and has several animals, and the house was overall quite unkempt and not well-maintained. It was also in a very crowded neighborhood in between gang territories. We also shared cable TV, telephone, and broadband internet access with my Aunt. Fortunately, I had a router to split the internet up with.

Now:
My family has moved into my mother's house to live with her, my step-father, my step-brother, and my sister. My wife and I have our own bedroom, about the same size as the one at my Aunt's house. My daughter shares a room with my sister on the other side of the house. We also have the front living room to ourselves, which houses both my wife's computer and my own (mine was in our bedroom at my Aunt's house) as well as our own TV, albeit we don't have cable on this unit. We share broadband internet with the rest of the house via ethernet and wi-fi routers.

Transportation

Then:
My wife was driving a much-dilapidated '88 Dodge Aries, which had come to develop seepage along the fuel lines, as well as other problems. I did not have a full driver's license, and so would have to use my bicycle to get around if my wife was ever unavailable.

Now:
The Aries has been replaced with a '92 Ford Crown Victoria. The 'Vic is now in pretty rough shape itself, but still runs when it's needed. We have also more recently acqured a '93 Lincoln Mark VIII to take on the majority of our transportation needs. Perks of the Mark VIII versus both the 'Vic and the Aries include: Power everything (and it all works), sun roof, functional air conditioning, 10-disc CD changer, and more. I have also recently acquired my own driver's license and insurance, so I am no longer dependent upon my wife's availability for transportation.

Communication:

Then:
We shared one telephone line with my Aunt, paying for calling-card style flat-rate long distance service.

Now:
We pay for our own VoIP phone line with free long distance, as well as having our own cell phones for which we pay my mother a relatively small amount to carry on her Family Plan.

Financials:

Then:
I had long been in and out of dead-end jobs, averaging about $6-$7 an hour. The longest and most recent of these was a full-time job at a convenience store that I held for two years at various locations, mostly working third shifts, for $7.35/hour tops. Even with the aid of Food Stamps, WIC checks, and Medicaid for our daughter, we were living paycheck-to-paycheck by the penny. A large portion of these paychecks was going to my Aunt for rent.

Now:
I have now moved into the IT industry, finally. I am doing computer migrations and deskside support for a large corporation, with potential for advancement far beyond anything I could have wanted or imagined in any of my previous jobs. I am making $10/hour, plus benifits and get paid holidays including some government holidays, vacation time and sick time. It felt really weird, yet amazingly great to havethis past Monday (Memorial Day) off, and not have to worry about having a short paycheck. The job is much farther away from home, (30 miles, versus 3-5 miles at my previous jobs) but now that I have my own license, a second car (!!!) and insurance, the only (relatively small) challenge is keeping the gas tank full.

Oh yeah, did I mention the second car?!?! This is the most recent blessing God has placed in our laps, so I'm still really hyped about it. There is so, oh so much to say about how God has brought us here, but I should save that for another time. He truly has given us more than I ever could have expected, or even imagined to ask for. With all that He has done so far, I can't wait to see the house that He has prepared for us to call our own.

I'm really hoping to be able to discipline myself into having more time for this blog, as I have so much good news to share, and this is one of the projects that has slidden to the back burner for quite some time either due to a slight depression in our situation, or an over-abundance of blessing consuming my time.

Until next time, good night, and God bless.

- Iszi

Song In My Heart

2006-04-27T22:58:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

There is a lot to update you on here, but little time and energy in which to do it. (As if that's a suprise.) One thing I would like to express however, is a song that's been captured in my soul for awhile now. Hopefully in the near future this will turn to motivation and bear fruit. Thank you very much to Mr. Michael W. Smith for letting God work within him and through him to put this song out, which I am sure speaks to many more hearts than just my own.

"Missing Person" by Michael W. Smith:

Another question in me
One for the powers that be
It's got me thrown
And so I put on my poker face
And try to figure it out
This undeniable doubt
A common occurance
Feeling so out of place
Guarded and cynical now
Can't help but wondering how
My heart evolved into
A rock beating inside of me
So I reel such a stoic ordeal
Where's that feeling that I don't feel

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace he disappeared into the void and
I've been searchin' for that missing person

Under a lavender moon
So many thoughts consume me
Who dimmed that glowing light
That once burned so bright in me
Is this a radical phase
A problematical age
That keeps me running
From all that I used to be
Is there a way to return
Is there a way to unlearn
That carnal knowledge
That's chipping away at my soul
I've been gone too long
Will I ever find my way home

He used to want to try the straight and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately
But I've been searchin' for that missing person

Until next time, whenever that may be....

- Iszi

Reformatting For A Living

2005-10-04T16:15:00.000-04:00

Very interesting, isn't it?

No sooner do I make a post regarding my reformat woes at home, do I land a job where I have to reformat computers daily.

So, I've left the convenience store, and am now in a career that actually makes some use of my technical skills. Compared to some of the things I am capable of, this is still "Trained Monkey" work, but I am happy to finally be in a place where I can gain experiences that will point me in the right direction for the future.

As far as the work itself goes, the reformatting process has been greatly simplified. Various automated setup softwares have been put in place to make the required human interaction minimal. Meanwhile, the unattended process takes a good couple hours, so you can feasably handle several of these "migrations" at one time.

Right now, we're only being put to work on one at a time, but I'm sure this is just warm-up. There will likely soon be a point when I may have too many laptops on the desk to have any room for my own workstation keyboard. (From which I am currently publishing my blog.)

The working hours are a bit of a shift to make as well. Having worked from 2200-0600 for the past two years, I have become quite unaccustomed to seeing so much daylight, or spending so much time awake when my wife is (or - slightly more difficult to adjust to - so much time asleep when she is). A real nice schedule benefit is that I finally have a job where weekends and holidays will actually make a difference on the work calendar, and I can actually have more time (and energy) to spend with my wife and daughter.

Also, my posts on here should be a bit more regular as the computer use regulations around here seem to be relatively lax. As long as I'm not doing anything illegal or inappropriate, or letting casual computer usage interfere with my work, it would appear that things like posting to my blog and checking my webmails is ok.

Anyway, I'd better go. I've written enough here. I'll catch you up on some more stuff later.

Glad to be back,

- Iszi

Twiddle

2005-09-30T02:06:00.000-04:00

Well, you would think that by now they might have developed software that could format a 40 GB hard drive in less time, eh? Nope. After I started the re-format, I went to take a bathroom break, stopped at the fridge on the way back for a swig of Juicy Juice (We keep it in there for my daughter, but I tend to mooch a bit for myself now and then.) and still the format was barely past 30%.

Guess I should be glad he doesn't have one of those monster 200 GB drives or something. I might as well kill some time by checking to see if my favorite webcomics have updated. Links are at the left if you'd care to join me. Not that we'll likely be doing it simultaneously or anything, but just for the fun of the thought, go ahead.

Reformatting Bites

2005-09-30T00:11:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's been awhile.

Sorry I haven't written in a bit. I've just been tied up in this whole moving business. We've been living here a month and we're still not nearly as settled in as we could be. But that's another bunny trail.

Right now, I'm just sitting here waiting for a backup to finish on a friend's computer that I'm working on, so I can reformat it. He was having some issues with his internet configurations which came down to turning up some nasty Operating System corruption, and the fact that he's running his computer on way too little RAM doesn't help anything either.

So, here I am just watching the files "fly" across the screen as they are transferred from his computer to a special folder on mine over the network. Then I get the joy of wiping that puppy clean, and re-installing Windoze XP, which is almost equally exciting.

Sounds bleak? Well, that's just the mood I'm in right now. Sorry about that. The past few weeks, particularly at work, haven't been the greatest. And this piece of beef stuck in my teeth isn't putting me in any better mood. Be right back, after I get a toothpick.

There we go, much better. Now, in the good news department, it would appear that my life as a 3rd shift convenience store clerk is shortly to come to an end. Last week, a guy from some staffing company saw my resume online, and sent me an e-mail about a sub-contract position with a very large company doing some OS migrations. The contract would only garuntee me work until February, but I figure that's plenty of time to work out any future details I need to worry about.

It's funny how a computer will lie to you. It tells you that there's 3 minutes remaining in an operation, then 3 minutes later it says 7 minutes. What's up with that? Some MS geek's sick idea of a joke?

Ah well, enough for this rant. Looks like we're really almost done with the backup, so I'd better get back to it. Maybe I'll write again during the setup.

Blog ya later,

- Iszi

"Word Verification"

2005-08-27T15:34:00.000-04:00

Well, turns out I had some "comment spam" dropped in here in my absence. In one post, I had 3 comments from "Anonymous" users, advertising their blogs about weddings, women's shoes, and gambling. Fortunately, Blogger has now implemented (and I have now activated) optional "word verification" for comment posts. This means that, whenever you want to post a comment here, you will be presented with a random set of letter images, which you will have to verify for your comment to be posted. This is much like the verification process used in many registration forms. While it adds an extra step to the comment-posting process, it does prevent some (possibly) less pleasurable sites from having a software program just drop a link to themselves in this blog.

Nothing else real important to say here. Just wanted to give you guys (and gals) the heads-up.

- Iszi

Where's Something When You Want It?

2005-08-25T03:07:00.000-04:00

Seriously, where? Especially things that you should want more often, and should keep better track of, but typically don't? In this case, such an object would be my One Year Bible. Given to me by my Cell Group leader, it is supposed to be a tool to help me keep up with regular Bible reading, but I haven't used it quite that much lately. In fact, I maybe stuck with it for a solid week at most. But now, without any blogging material in mind, I was hoping that I could find some inspiration there, and yet I cannot find it at all.

Actually, gimme a few seconds... I will find this.

*sigh*
It's sad the things you'll find on your bedroom floor, when you let that become such a clutter zone as mine. Oh, and for the record, Diet Sprite Zero has (like all other Coca-Cola products) way too much carbonation. Unfortunately, it's the only thing cold in the fridge right now.

Okay, let's crack this thing open here. I guess technically it is the 25th now, so I'll flip there. Ah, I have missed a good while. The last time I checked, the Old Testament study was still somewhere in Kings. Now, it's a good deep bit into Job. It appears we're somewhere in the dialogue between Job and his three friends who had come to visit him as he wallows in pain and self-pity, being tormented by Satan.

Bah, I can't stand this Sprite. Almost done with it though; the quicker, the better.

Anyway, the way the One Year Bible (In case you don't have one - which I highly recommend you do.) is laid out, you get a bit of OT, a bit of NT, and a Psalm and Proverb to read every day. I'll just hyperlink the passages that it has laid out, and comment as things come to me.

So, first we have Job 16:1-19:29

Here's something of interest. Now, it is said by some that the story of Job may just be more legend than literal truth. Nonetheless it is Scripture, and therefore known to be divinely inspired. So, in either case, we have written here the accounts of words of a servant of God, in Old Testament times. The fact that it was written many centuries BC is what particularly makes this piece interesting:

(Job 16:19-21 NIV - Job is speaking)
Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend.

Long before Mary and Joseph were around, perhaps even before the days of Abraham, Job is speaking of a heavenly intercessor standing in his defense, whom we now know as Jesus. Just one of the many instances in Old Testament scripture, where we see foreshadowing of the events meant to take place between 0 and 33 BC.

Bah, I'm getting tired now. Guess Job will do that to you at 4 in the morning. Let's at least check out what Proverbs has to say today, before I go to bed. Ah, very good sense here indeed, as if any less was to be expected:

(Proverbs 22:1 NLT)
Choose a good reputation over great riches, for being held in high esteem is better than having silver or gold.

Also, please pardon the lack of the hyperlinks that I promised. I'll fix that next time I log on here. Meanwhile, just check out http://www.biblegateway.com/ for all the verses.

Now to quote Red Skelton: "Good night, and God Bless."

- Iszi

Long-Winded?

2005-08-23T01:32:00.000-04:00

I've been told in the past that I tend to be a bit long-winded with posts such as the one below (just previous) this one. Yet, I personally almost never feel that I've completely expressed myself here. I always end up feeling like I've edited myself for length, like a director cuts a film sometimes.

I'd like some feedback on this. Although it won't likely change anything (this is my blog, after all - if you don't like it, you can leave. ;-)) but I am just curious to see what other bloggers think about this.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

- Iszi

P.S.: If you're a Blogger member, please do login before posting a reply. I see a few fellow bloggers replying here, but leaving little if any way for me to contact them for a direct reply since they are posting "Anonymous"-ly. Thanks again in advance.

"Home" Again

2005-08-23T00:47:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm at my mom's house right now. I'm here mostly at the bequest of my wife, whom I hadn't seen in almost a week prior to coming over this time. We're still not entirely moved in by any measure, and the room meant for us is still far from prepared, so we're making our own space in the front living room for now, which is also to be ours anyway. (The house has a "Family Room" in the middle, and a "Living Room" in front, the latter of which my mother decided should be ours so we have our own living area outside the bedroom.)

I find myself with a strange feeling of coming home, yet not really being "at home". Almost as if one has been out of school for a year or so, and then returned. Although I myself have never been through that, I can probably now imagine what it would be like. The school itself would be the same, with most of the same people still there, but there would be many more new faces to see than in the typical school-year changeover, and many more old faces gone. Possibly some of the decor may have changed, some extra/co-curricular programs discontinued or newly begun. So, although it is the same school, it's not quite "your school" anymore.

I know this feeling will pass in time. Probably once we're settled into our actual room, with everything firmly in its place, it will be easier. A piece of me feels like having my own computer here would be helpful too. (It's still at my Aunt's house. - This post is being made on my wife's computer.)

It's strange when I think about it that way. The saying goes "home is where the heart is", and while my heart is with my family, a large part of it has been spilled online through a computer that I personally assembled in - and have personally cared for since - summer of 2000.

Odd. Now I also consider not having my bicycle is also a particular emotional hinderance here. Odd, yet it makes so much sense when I consider how I purchased both, and how much of my life has gone into both. Without going into much detail, I will say that there was a large sum of money given to me through my Grandmother when I was 18, and a large portion of that money went into the purchase for the parts to my computer, and the purchase of my bicycle and all the accessories added onto it at that time. They also represent (to my memory) the two largest purchases that I have ever made exclusively with my own money, paid upfront.

That being the monetary (physical) connection, the emotional connection comes when considering that a large portion of my life (as previously mentioned) has been lived out in the computer world, and another large portion of my life has been lived with that bicycle as my primary (or often-used alternative) form of transportation. So, to some degree, both represent to me a connection to independance and freedom.

Like anyone else, I feel rather confined when using someone else's computer, even when it's my wife's. None of the software is in the right place, I have no bookmarks (as if I use them), I have to manually fill out password forms, and the security is never tight enough. Without my bicycle, I have no expedient means of going anywhere outside of a two-mile radius on my own. With it, I could easily go anywhere within about 15 miles in one hour, and farther if I was to connect with the bus system. And around this area, that covers a lot of places.

I guess to some degree, it could be said that it's not good for me to feel such a strong "home" connection to a computer. To have that be "where your heart is" and be a Christian, is almost self-contradictory. Supposedly, I guess that kind of connection would better be placed in a Bible, or made in those "quiet times" that one should have every day.

Getting to that place though, is much harder than flipping some internal switch. My whole life I've known inside that that's where I really should be, yet here I still am. What it is that's keeping me here, a million psychiatrists and pastors could probably say, but the real question I want answered is, "What is it going to take to pull me out of here?". The answer might not be pretty, but I hope it comes soon. While computers and the internet have played a heavy role in my life, I know that they can't be my life forever. So, now that I know it, (as if I never have?) what needs to come to make me do it?

A part of me doesn't, but a part of me really does want to find out soon.

- Iszi

Quote of the day:

"Wars come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal." - Tupac

"A [vision], which misinterpreted may have been..."

2005-08-21T05:01:00.000-04:00

Digging through my archives (a shallow dig, mind you) I noticed that my most recent post mentioned my preparation for my A+ Certification, and a vision of a new home for my family. Given that a lot has changed since then, I thought I should mention a couple things about that while I'm on here. (Yes, this could be another delaying tactic to keep me from that pile on the bed, but if I really cared I guess I wouldn't be doing this now, would I?)

I received my A+ Certification on March 1 this year. That day, I just decided I was fed up with running through these practise tests, and wanted to get the real thing done and over with. Two tests that were scheduled to take a total of three hours took me all of an hour and a half to run through. When I came out of the testing room from the second test, the instructor that came to print my test scores was astounded that I'd finished both tests already. (The instructor who handled the first test, and got me started on the second, had left for the day, and the instructor who checked me out from the second test originally presumed I'd just finished the first.) They were also quite surprised that both my test scores were over 150 points above the passing requirements (on a 100-900 scale).

Unfortunately, this has done little for me in the job market. My lack of related work experience, coupled with my transportation limits has effectively nullified the value of my certification in my job hunt. So, for the past (almost) six months, I've had this certification and gone nowhere with it. This has also dampened my motivation to study for the Network+ exam that I had originally planned on taking by the end of this year.

So, without a better job lining up soon, I'm left having to move back into my mom's house. Other contributing factors aside, this still leaves me wondering about the vision mentioned in my February post - the one about us being in a house of our own by the end of the year. While not entirely impossible, this has made it very much improbable. So, I took another look into that vision, and began to wonder if maybe I had just misread it. It is quite probable that I am meant to be at my mother's house this year. And, when I think about it, I can't imagine too many other places that I could be, and truly feel "at home" in by this Christmas. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to turn out, or maybe I could be wrong still. Only time will tell.

Speaking of time, It's now almost 0530, and my wife is supposed to pick me up at 1200 to go back to my mom's house for more moving work. So, I should go and clear off that bed if I want any chance at a nap.

Good night.

- Iszi

The Real Me

2005-08-21T04:44:00.000-04:00

Okay, I give up.

My last update to this blog is listed as sometime in June, on my Blogger dashboard, but the most recent post is over 6 months old. I could go into a long spiel about why this is, but I'll leave that to your vivid imagination.

Meanwhile, I'm left wondering what I'm going to actually do with my little (idle) corner of the web here. And I've decided. I'm giving up. Not giving up on maintaining this blog, mind you. Just giving up on keeping up appearances. One thing that may have been holding me back here is that I just don't have that great positive feeling these days, that I would like to have when I write this blog. So, I'm giving up on bothering with that "happy feeling" style of writing.

If I write now, it's just going to be me talking in whatever mood I may be in, about whatever may come to my mind. Otherwise, this blog could go dead for another year or more. Who knows, it just might be anyways. We'll see.

Meanwhile, in life news: I'm moving again. Okay, not really "again" to you, since I have lived in the same house for the duration of this blog so far, but this will be the (counting...) fifth time I've moved in my life, and the third time I've gone back to the particular house that I'm moving into - my mom's house.

A lot of factors are contributing to this, but all you should be aware of right now (or rather, all I have energy left to mention) is that if I don't blog much in the next week or so (as if it would be different from any other recent time period) it can particularly be attributed to the moving process.

Now, I must go. I've got a large mass of schtuff that's been just sitting on my bed, keeping me awake (since I've been too lazy to deal with it) for the past four hours. Hopefully, I'll be able to pull myself back up into writing more on this soon. I really do want to, I just seem to have a hard time getting myself to do it (like I've been having a hard time getting myself to clear off my bed for the past four hours so I can go to sleep).

l8rz

- Iszi

Last Laps

2005-02-07T17:40:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

I hate to sound like I'm doing this as a chore, but right now that's what my whole life seems to feel like. I'm not entirely sure if I completely understand why, but it just seems as if even waking up to face the day is something I don't want to do anymore. If it's a night I have to work, I almost have to twist my own arm to get myself out of bed and get ready to go. While I'm at work, I constantly am having to fight the urge to just say "forget this, I'm going home".

Part of it, I think, is the combination of my body and mind coming into that "last lap of the race" feeling. It's the bittersweet sensation that tells you "I've been running so long, and I'm so tired I just can't run anymore," while at the same time it says "I'm almost there, jsut a little bit further and I'll be finished." By this, I am referring to the fact that I am almost ready to take my A+ Certification exam. I've completed all the lessons and exercises offered in the course that I'm taking, and am now just putting myself through the practice tests until I am fully confident I'm ready for the real thing. While I continue to do this, however, my body, mind, and spirit are all in the back seat screaming "Are we there YET?!?!"

I guess the only driving force I have going now is the fact that I know, once this part of the "race" is over with, I'll be accelerating quickly towards several long-awaited goals. The first of these would be a better paying, and slightly less stressful job than the one that I'm in now, with a much more flexible schedule. Granted, third shift allows for a great deal of flexibility in the sense that you're almost never working during typical "business" hours, and therefore have the whole day to get things accomplished without having work get in the way of the daytime schedule. However, it does make things difficult when you want to cram a lot of stuff into one week, particularly when all the stuff runs during different portions of the day, and then have to work your sleep schedule around that.

The next goal would be a place of our own to stay in. My outlook on this is helped very much by a small vision I had last year around Christmas. It's actually quite odd the way it happened, because my prayer life hadn't been any better then than it ever has in any other point in my life, and I wasn't particularly engaged in conversation with God at the time, or even really thinking about this particular subject. In fact, for me, it was just another night at work. For everyone else in the world, it was Christmas Eve, a wonderful time of celebration in preparation for the next day, meant to be spent at home with the family. But, for me, it was just another night at work. In the middle of this mild depression over spending a "holiday night" at work instead of at home, God must have known (since he knows everything anyway) that I needed a little more fuel in my fire.

As I was reaching down to get a plastic bag for a customer (one of a great many we had that night), just going about my typical business, a vision entered my mind completely out of nowhere. I saw my daughter, not much older than she was at the time, sitting in a room that I did not recognize. I don't recall anything more about the scene itself than that, but there was a feeling of festivity in the room, along with a unique feeling of belonging. Then, the vision was gone, leaving behind an immense feeling of hope, and I knew immediately what it meant. This time (Christmas) next year (2005), I would not be in the place that I am in right now. It would be a place of our own. Whether it be a house, trailer, or apartment, it would be one that belonged to us. That brightened my Christmas more than anything else that year.

Meanwhile, however, life still goes on. The battle to keep one's head above water remains a burdensome one. All I can do is just keep running the race until I finally reach the finish line. And then, It'll be another race to run. But this time, it will be with a renewed energy, and in much more enjoyable surroundings.

- Iszi

Stopping In...

2005-01-17T07:50:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

I'm just swinging by to say "Hi", and update my blog templates (read: links section) a little bit. Not really much to say right now.

Only big thing is our car's acting real buggy all of a sudden. It started a few days ago, when it just wouldn't start for some reason. Popped the hood to look at things, jiggled the battery cables a little, turned the key again and it came on. Couple days later (yesterday) the same thing happened. Popped the hood, smacked the battery a bit, and it fired right up with the next turn of the key. Now, however, the bugger's dead. I mean totally flat-line, not starting for anything's sake. Power is obviously flowing, as the lights, radio, and dashboard console all work. However, a "low battery" light is still showing, and nothing starts when the key is turned. Not even after a jump.

So, it should be interesting to see how things pan out from here. My wife has a cousin who works on cars and lives not far from here, so hopefully he'll be able to come over sometime soon and figure out what's going on, and hopefully it'll be soemthing cheap to replace. If not, I could be stuck with the ol' two-wheeler for awhile.

Anyway, I'm off to get that template clean-up done. Might even squeeze in a couple updates to My World In Pictures while I'm at it. After that, it's bedtime since I have cell group tonight, and work after that.

See y'allz later!

- Iszi

Studying

2005-01-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

Something else that may add to my distractions from posting in the near future that I should mention, is studying. Through SmartCertify Direct, I am now studying for my CompTIA A+ Certification, and more to come. If I can stay steady with the schedule I've been following lately, I should be ready to take the exams (there's two parts) by the end of this month, if not middle of next.

With A+ Certification in hand, I shouldn't have much trouble working my way out of this rut of a convenience store job that I've been in for the past (nearly) year and a half. I don't plan on stopping there, however. With the program that I've purchased (and a cheap enough loan for it wasn't easy to find, either), I have a full year's access to SmartCertify's complete course library. Again, assuming I can continue approximately at the same pace I've been running for the past week or so that I've been enrolled, it shouldn't be too hard for me to have completed courses for, and passed the CompTIA Network+ and CompTIA Security+ Certifications by the end of the year.

All this would be laying the foundation for what has long been my career goal: Network Administration. Where that might lead me, I do not know. But I do know that I've always had an aptitude and love for working with computers, so that is the best target I could think of to set my sights on.

So, if I don't post too often, this could be one reason why. Still, if all of you could please help keep me accountable to the once-per-week minimum, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you all for your support, and your concern in my absence.

- Iszi

TLR Website Up!

2005-01-13T09:53:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers!

Finally, the website for The Living Room is up! Not much to look at just yet, but I can't wait to see what it finally develops into. URL is: http://www.thelivingroomorlando.com/ . Link is also in my Links list on the left of this page, just ignore the "(Under Construction)" note that is under that link until I get to updating my template, please.

- Iszi

On-again, Off-again - My Bad Habit

2005-01-13T09:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

First, let me say to everyone: Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Okay, so that's quite a bit belated, but there it is nonetheless. Next, let me apologize for my absence. Several factors fell into play in causing this, one of the least of which was a (much-needed) re-formatting of my computer, yet the most of which would be a bad habit of mine when it comes to most projects I undertake which require my regular attention. You see, I have this bad habit of going through an "on-again, off again" cycle with many things I involve myself in. Such things included, to one degree or another, have been: church, online games (fortunately freebies, not subscription-ware like UO or EQ), forum memberships, and - of course - my blogs.

For a few of these, the cycle isn't such a bad thing to go through. For instance, leaving one game for another for awhile doesn't hurt my life or personal development in the least. Taking a break from posting in a forum I frequent doesn't hurt much aside from leaving some people that I've gotten to know there to wonder what's going on in my life. For others, however, the cycle does have an adverse effect on my life, whether noticeable or not. For instance, when I go through an "off-again" phase with church, I do end up feeling slightly disconnected from my "family", or feeling like I'm not doing as much as I should during times that I am usually helping out. "Off-again" phases with my Bible reading and prayer life (which typically have dominated my life, unfortunately still to this day) put a tight freeze on my spiritual growth, although the rest of my life seems to be running along reasonably fine. And this "off-again" phase with my blogs has left you all wondering what's going on here (thanks for the e-mails, by the way) and also left me feeling like something's just been missing here, yet I can't return to it because there's so much to catch up on.

So, here's the deal now. From here on, I will do my best to keep my posting to a minimum frequency of once a week. For my regular readers (if I still have any of you left), I would appreciate if you could help keep me accountable for this. If there's one week that I'm missing a post for, please e-mail me and just give me a little "tap on the shoulder" so to speak.

As for bringing things up to date here, I may or may not cover quite all the ground left open between my last post and this one. If I'm not mistaken, there's still a draft of my election post lying around here somewhere, so I may finish that up or otherwise break the topics up into separate posts. I will also try to bring My World In Pictures up to date also, but that's a LOT of pictures to sort through and upload, so that may take some time.

Thank you all for sticking with me through my absence, and thank you in advance for helping hold me to my commitments here.

- Iszi

So Much To Blog...

2004-11-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

You know how the saying will end. I don't have to tell you. Okay, so I will anyway. "So much to blog, so little time." (...and energy) My schedule has been thrown left and right the past couple weeks with the return of my wife and daughter, and having to run up a couple states north for a weekend, and now I have a six-day work week ahead due to various complications that have plagued the store lately. More days at work means less energy at home, of course, and therefore less energy (or will) to blog.

Also, I've misplaced my notepad. So, for the sake of preservation, (and a little spoiler for y'allz) I'm going to jot down here a few things on my mental "To Blog" list. Some you may already know, but most I'm sure you'll love speculating about. Since I've had much time now to mull some of these over, you'd better get ready to strap your seat belts on, because there will likely be long and bumpy rides ahead in some of these topics.

1.) My Take on the Election (in response to Debi's post)
2.) Pro-Life vs. Pro-Death (or) What the Bible Says About the Death Penalty.
3.) Worhsipping With the Angels (or) My Vision of Heaven (I'm halfway-hoping to get a Sunday off to do this one. I really find myself in the mood to write it just after church, but with no time to do it and still be able to sleep before work.)
4.) The "Gay Issue" in America. (Probably going to be covered mostly in #1, but may make a separate post to further elaborate.)

The first one is going to be tough to get through. A *lot* of issues are going to be addressed, and probably still some more research is needed on my part. I may end up keeping it in the "Draft" stage for awhile, working on it as I get the chance. I'll not just be addressing my opinion on the election in general, but also my thorough opinions on a majority of the issues regarding this year's election.

The second will also probably take awhile, although not nearly as long as the first. It's just going to take a bit of digging through The Word for awhile for the proper references.

The third topic, I'll likely be able to do in one clean shot when I do write it, as most of it is coming straight from my soul, with little to no outside references required.

The last topic - as mentioned - will mostly be covered in my discussion of the election issues, but I may do some more Bible-digging to be able to cover it more thoroughly in a post of its own.

All topics mentioned here (as with all my posts) will be fully open for comment, question, or correction. If any comment comes up appearing as inflamatory, however, (which I trust it won't, since you're such a great group of people) I will delete it and re-direct correspondence on the topic to personal e-mail. (If I wish to continue it at all after that point.)

I just wanted to get this all up here so you know that I'm not entirely neglecting this blog. I do think of things to write about often, I just rarely get to writing them. Hopefully, I'll be able to trim up this list soon.

Blog ya later.

- Iszi

Augh!

2004-11-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

*sigh*

Debi, I was going to reply to your comment in a post today, but Firefox crashed while I was trying to load a PDF file in another window in efforts to further research the topic. I had done much work already in writing the post, yet barely even scratched the surface of what I was wanting to say, and now have not the energy to return and do it all over again just now.

Hopefully tomorrow I will fare better. The thoughts should remain fresh enough, as many of them have been running through my mind for the past month, and still do even after the election. I typically prefer to keep my conversational topics steered away from politics, but I feel there's a need for me to get some of this out this time.

So, until tomorrow...

Good Night.

- Iszi

[EDIT]
Fixed the link, Debi. Sorry about that. See what I mean about this dawggone keyboard?

Anyway, I'm hoping to squeeze my post in tomorrow, or sometime over the weekend. Now, however, it's bedtime. I'd only really logged on to check my e-mail and thought I'd swing by and fix this while it was in front of me. In short, the reason for that is primarily due to a prolonged night at work, but I'll not go into it here now.

Blog ya later.

- Iszi

I'm back again... -ish.

2004-11-09T14:34:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Readers.

Long time no see, eh? Almost two weeks now? I can explain.

First thing that threw me out of whack was the return of my wife and daughter. Of course, one might think it would make me so happy and I would just love to blog all about my feelings and how my wife and daughter had changed while they were gone. Part of the problem with that is so much has changed that I've just needed some of this time to adjust to it.

My wife has a new pair of glasses and new haircut now. A small thing by most measures, but a change that has so unexpectedly brought out more of her natural beauty to me upon her return. (either that, or maybe the 6 weeks of sexual deprivation has something to do with it - I guess I'll never know for sure ;-) )

The really big change, however, has been with my daughter. She's walking now! Everywhere! All the time! And she's eating solids! I don't mean baby-solids either, although she does have those from time to time still. I mean true solids. Just about anything we eat, chop it up into smaller pieces and she'll have it. So, a lot of my time has been spent getting reacquainted with my "new" wife and daugther.

Sleep schedule also has a bit to do with it. I requested Saturday-Sunday off for the weekend that Jami and Tiffani-Anne came back, so that I could spend time with them right away. I had originally wanted to take a full week of vacation pay out of the bank, but we didn't have enough people to be able to cover me. So, for Saturday and Sunday, I swapped over to a "day-dweller's" schedule, to optimize my time available with my family. Then on Monday, I had to re-adjust so that I could work while still going to cell group that night. By Tuesday, I was so thrown off that I had to call off from The Living Room, in order to catch some extra Z's and be able to work that night. So, none of that helped at all.

Then comes this weekend. I've been going along fine, since I got re-adjusted to my "usual" 3rd-shift schedule. But right before bedtime on Friday (about 1400) I got a call from my mom. I have grandparents in South Carolina, and my grandmother up there had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Since nobody was sure how things would turn out from this, Grandma wanted to make sure she got to see all the family as soon as she could. Mom couldn't afford to take any extra time off, but she did have Sunday-Monday off on her regular schedule, so she made plans to drive up after work Saturday, stay all of Sunday, and drive back Monday afternoon.

I called my job to let them know the situation, and that I would need Saturday-Sunday-Monday off for the family emergency. No one there was happy about it at all. (My manager is still running with no days off most weeks, 12 hours a day, and would have to cover if no one else would, and she'd just had a new hire pull a no-call no-show on the shift that was running at the time I called. The third-shift worker that had to cover Saturday has kept a relatively consistent Friday-Saturday off schedule for the past 16 years, and always throws a fit when it is disrupted. The other lady that had to cover Monday (I had Sunday and Tuesday off on this week, oddly enough.) wasn't happy due to her medical conditions which are supposed to limit her workload. (Monday nights are truck nights and she has a bad back.) The bottom line in the latter case was that my co-worker seemed to believe that I was lying just to get out of working a truck night. But I'll not go further into that ugly bit of workplace politics right now.

So, I've spent half the weekend on the road, and the other half in South Carolina, seeing family I haven't seen in over 5 years. Grandma seemed to be doing well enough Monday morning that the doctor was expecting to release her from the hospital today. I will be posting some pictures of the visit, along with more pictures from Jami and Tiffani-Anne's stay in Illinois, later on as they come in and as time allows.

Another thing that has slightly hampered my drive to post is this keyboard situation. I'm still running off the old backup keyboard I dug out from the closet in the hall, and the "B" button and spacebar are pretty finicky to work with. Half the time, I have to double-tap the spacebar to get one space out of it, or smack the "B" key a few times to get it to punch something out. Also, the springs on this keyboard are more tense than most, making typing more arduous than usual. It actually disrupts the flow of my typing so much that I constantly am having to backspace over errors that typically I shouldn't be making. So, I'm pretty sure I know where a small piece of my tax return will be going next year, if this isn't fixed by then.

So, there you have it. A brief, and somewhat abridged, update on my life from the past two weeks. Also thanks to Butterfly for the e-card, reminding me that there are people watching me out here that do care.

Oh, I also read a good book by Kenneth E. Hagin, reccommended to me by my brother, while I was on the road. The book is called "The Believer's Authority". Paperback versions can be found for $5 or less, depending on where you look. It only took about an hour or two for me to get through it, but it holds powerful information on how Christians can (and should) take authority against the Devil, in ways that most don't even realize are open to us! Maybe I'll post more on that later, but for the time being, I have to go and eat the good food that my wife has prepared for our dinner, and then get ready to go to The Living Room, and work afterwards.

See y'allz later.

- Iszi

Not Voting

2004-10-27T19:23:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

You read the title right. I have officially decided not to vote this year. Why? Because I'm tired of the constant political mud-slinging I've seen all year, and for me to vote would be to say that I fully support a mud-slinger, regardless of which side I choose to vote for.

All year, ads have been running for both candidates pointing out one screwup or another, thoroughly outlining all the ugly sides of the opposite candidate, and then showing one brief moment of the advertising candidate's "good side", with a voice-over by that candidate saying "I am [Joe Candidate], and I approved this message." Why can't we just once have a presidential candidate who will run their entire campaign based solely on their own merits, without targeting the other's downfalls over and over again? Would that candidate win the election? In this world, it would seem, probably not. But if he were to stick to his advertised (Christian) morals in his policies and campaign, and not lay down wave after wave of personal attacks against the credibility or value of the other candidate, then he most certainly would have my vote behind him.

Since I am also now a father in this election year, I begin to wonder, "What is this teaching our children?" I mean this seriously. Imagine if the candidates for the position of class president in their High School were to run their campaigns this way. I don't even want to imagine the defamatory, slanderous posters there would be seen around that school's campus, or the hateful advertisements that might be run during the morning announcemnts. But then, of course, I'm sure the principal of the school would have something to say about such things. Surely they would not want to allow their children to advertise themselves that way. And yet, who's to argue against those children when, season after season, we see grown, "mature" adults acting the same way for virtually the same reason?

So, what would I say if I was asked who I would vote for? I honestly don't know. I mean, who do I want to vote for - a war-monger or a flip-flopper? Either way, I'd be voting for one person slinging mud against the other, with me being one in the middle catching the crossfire.

- Iszi

Blown Away

2004-10-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I just got done staying up all night with a thought in my head that has just blown me away. Okay, so that's not the only thing that kept me awake. I had work, too. But the whole time, my mind kept wandering back to this one idea.

What if Jesus wrote an autobiography?

Seriously, what would it be like? To read about the days of Jesus' life, from his own perspective? Okay, so we have the Gospels that tell us all about what he did, but it's all second- and third-party information. In some cases, it's only a man's translation of what God's Holy Spirit has revealed to him. And, while I do fully believe the Holy Spirit is a power to be reckoned, whenever you add a human into *any* project, whether divinely inspired or not, there's always a margin for error or mis-interpretation. Especially when you consider that the Bible that we read has already gone through a few different translators before our eyes even get to see it.

So, consider that Jesus Christ himself were to write an autobiography, and write - individually - a copy in every language of the world, so that he would not have to rely on fault-prone human translators to spread it around. What would it be like to read such a book?

A couple questions that come to my mind first are:

1. When would it start? Since Jesus is part of the Holy Trinity, He is fully God, and therefore has existed alongside the Father and the Holy Spirit for all eternity to date, and to come, even before the Creation of Earth, and likely before Time was even created. So, at what point would He start His autobiography?

1a. Would He start it at the beginning (if there is such an applicable concept) of events in Heaven? Would we, through His eyes, get a glimpse of how Heaven existed when all was in perfect harmony for a time? Would we then be able to see what Jesus saw when Satan and his angels were cast out from Heaven, and understand the feelings and emotions Jesus must have experienced when those events took place?

1b. Or, would He choose to start where the Bible starts, with the Creation of the Earth? Then, we would enter into a universe devoid of any existence, and witness how God created the stars and heavenly bodies, and chose one of those bodies to be a workplace for Him to create all known forms of life, including those made in His image. We would be with Jesus, and feel the heartbreak He must have felt in the events leading to the fall of man. We would be with Him to watch such Biblical events as the Great Flood, the Exodus, the downfall of Sodom and Gemorrah, and more. All these events we have read about, but we can only begin to imagine what it was like to witness - and likely even have a hand in - these events unfolding, from on high. We can't even begin to dream of what went through Jesus' divine consciousness, as He saw again and again how mankind turned from the Father, and as a result was punished time and time again.

1c. Would He maybe wait just a little while, until it was decided that He would be sent down to be the once-and-for-all perfect sacrifice and salvation for mankind's waywardness? Then, we would start by meeting the Old Testament prophets as Jesus did, and possibly even see what it was that made God choose the select few who foretold of Jesus' ministry, hundreds of years in advance. Perhaps we would even get to know them more like God knew them, better than any man on earth would have.

1d. Would He just simply start with His birth? That would be the way most humans could relate, by following the path of His "natural" life on earth. Might He actually begin writing of this path with the night of His birth? Or would He choose to wait awhile, until such an age that humans naturally begin to collect memories, so that we might relate better?

1e. Or would He maybe just start with His ministry, with the day that he was baptized by John the Baptist? This would be, by most measures, the most pertinent turning point in His life, and therefore probably the latest time that anyone would expect such a being to begin writing his life story.

2. Then, one must wonder when the autobiography would end? Being a divine entity, Jesus has existed and will exist for all time, longer than the Earth or humankind ever has or ever will exist.

2a. The earliest time one might expect this book to end would be with Jesus' Ascension into Heaven, after His Resurrection. While this may only (at the very least) cover the time period already documented in the Gospels, we would still have the unique priviledge of experiencing now-familiar events from a never-before-seen perspective.

2b. Or, Jesus might just decide to follow through a little further and show us how it was as he influenced the lives and ministries of his Disciples and Apostles. We would get to see Jesus' meeting with Saul on the road to Damascus, along with other earthly appearances He made after ascending to Heaven.

2c. Possibly, he might come fully up to speed to the current day. This would allow us to follow His perspective through all of currently known history, seeing and feeling what He saw and felt as various wars were fought, new lands were found, and other revolutions changed the course of history. We'd get to know His feelings on the current status of the world and His church. Then again, might we not want to? It's possible that He is not very much happy with His church as it is now. After all, a sadly large portion of the Christian church is very much asleep in regards of accomplishing any tasks that are of Heavenly importance.

2d. Maybe Jesus would come up to the current day and further. Perhaps he might jump into the future and show us more of what the end of the world would be like. Without revealing too many unknown secrets, He could still give us a very unique perspective on the things that would happen as the events described in the book of Revelation unfold. And, what is most important to me and been very much the driving force of this dream (for lack of a better term), it would also give us a look into His heart as He watches humankind punished once more, for the last time. We would delight with Him as he takes His children up to Heaven to be with Him and the Father and the Holy Spirit forever. Then, we would watch as God creates Heaven and Earth anew, in such glory as has never been seen or imagined by mankind.

These are the thoughts that have been driving through my mind all night. What if Jesus did write an autobiography? It would be an amazing read, I can garuntee you that for sure. It would definitely rock the world - for both the secular and Christians alike. And I can almost definitely assure you that it would completely revolutionize the Church, and the way she looks at things.

The very concept of such a thing has absolutely blown me away like nothing else.

- Iszi

Sudden Realization

2004-10-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Viewers.

I just came to the realization that, since I started living together with my wife, I can't think of any pictures that have been taken with me in them that can successfully be cropped to include me entirely without her. Okay, so there's a couple from our wedding (dad wanted a shot with my grandfather, himself, me, and my daughter - to show the generations), and then some from my dad's wedding (since she wasn't in the wedding party), but aside from those pictures, the few pictures that exist of me after January of 2002 all include her.

And, of course, none of these exist on my hard drive. At least, not that I can think of. Maybe I should do some digging to find out, or request them e-mailed to me from my father.

This was just a thought that crossed my mind as I was trying to find a picture of me to replace the picture of Ewean McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, in Star Wars - Episode II, that currently covers as my profile pic.

In fact, now that I think of it, I don't think there are any "recent" pictures of me at all that don't include some friends or family. I guess there is some deeper meaning behind this, but I'm running out of time to come up with it. I just thought I should toss this up before I scrambled off to work and forgot about it.

Maybe I'll edit this post later, or make a complementary post after I get home or something.

- Iszi

Abbott and Costello

2004-10-13T03:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I've always known there was this famous comedy pair out there named "Abbott and Costello". Their skits and movies have apparently impressed enough of America that many know their names, even though they may not have heard or seen a single one of their works. (i.e.: Someone like me.)

Yesterday evening, while staying at my grandparents' house, I had the pleasure of watching their production of Jack and the Beanstalk on DVD. In this production, Lou Costello plays Jack - a "professional babysitter" - who falls asleep while the child he is watching reads him the classic story of Jack and the Beanstalk. The rest of the movie is a dream sequence in which the story is played out with Lou Costello as Jack (of course), and Bud Abbott (who plays Jack's "manager", Mr Dinkel, outside of the dream sequence) as Mr. Dinkelpuss, the butcher to whom Jack sells his cow. Although the picture quality (even after being put on DVD) leaves much to be desired by today's standards, the story is nevertheless still timeless and well played out by all the actors involved.

Then, this morning after breakfast, my grandfather introduced me to one of the radio shows done by Abbot and Costello, called "Who's on First". If the rest of their productions have near the quality of humor as this one, then I can definitely see why their names are now so commonly heard of. The web link above has a text script, and audio and video files of the comedy skit. It may be a bit tricky to follow by audio or video, as there's a lot of quick talking, but those are definitely the best ways to enjoy the production. Go ahead and download one, then sit back and laugh a few minutes today. It's good for your blood pressure. :-)

- Iszi

I Should Probably Say Something

2004-10-11T16:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I guess I should probably say something about the recent death of Christopher Reeve. Everyone else is, at least. Not that it's a bad thing or anything - I'm just not typically one to talk about deaths of others that do not personally affect me, often.

One thing I must mention though, is that I find it sad that he is only remembered in most of his obituaries as "the star of Superman". I mean, sure he did a great job in all of the Superman movies, and he definitely created a face and character for Superman that most recent-day spin-offs of the series try to imitate, but that's not all he did as an actor.

I'm no film and movie guru, but I do know that most "big name hero" actors (i.e.: James Bond actors Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, Star Trek actor William Shatner, Star Trek: The Next Generation actor Patrick Stewart, Spider-Man actor Tobey Maguire, just to name a few) don't have just one movie or one series that's all they do in their acting career. I mean, sure there's the one that really get's their name on the map. Or maybe not the one that's the first to put them out there, but still the one that most people will recognize. Yet, that's not the only movie or series that completely should define the actor. There's plenty other movies in which every actor has performed very well, outside of their most-recognized role, and few ever get much recognition for those movies when they're being referred to, unless they don't have one of those "defining roles" as the aforementioned actors do.

As I ramble on about this, I must admit that I've still not seen every other movie Mr. Reeve has acted in. In fact, I've only seen one outside of the Superman series. It is one that I believe he deserves just as much credit and mention for as any of his Superman roles. In my opinion, it was a very great film, with a well-played part by Christopher Reeve. It is called Somewhere In Time. In short, it is about a playwrite who meets an older woman that turns out to be an "old flame" of his, that he's not yet had. This sparks a short series of events that leads him to be obsessed with this woman, whom we later find was a turn-of-the-century actress, and decides that he absolutely must meet her again. In probably one of the most unique ways that I've seen yet, (using self-hypnosis) he travels back in time to meet her and they fall in love, although much to the disapproval of her manager whom also has an eye on her. The rest of the movie, I will not spoil. Go see it for yourself. Chances are, a local library has a copy you can check out, if all else fails.

Anyway, it's now a couple days after I started this post, and I'm picking up from the middle, so I've halfway lost the train of thought I was originally running on. I've also got some other things that I've jotted down in the meantime, that I wanted to post about, so I'll cut this one off here. I think I've said most of what I wanted to say, even if the thought line seems somewhat incomplete.

- Iszi

Delightfully Dreary

2004-10-11T07:50:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

This morning's weather has been, by most measures, quite miserable so far. The sky has been mostly overcast, with only a few patches of sky showing through the clouds, which have been steadily letting down a light drizzle of rain upon our heads.

I'm lovin' it.

I don't know why, since I typically don't like riding my bike in the rain, but today I'm just loving every minute of this weather. The air is cool, there's a light breeze running about, there's the fresh smell that accompanies the rain, and the dark blues and grays in the sky are absolutely magnificent. (I love it when blues and grays blend just right.) The rain is really barely there, and entirely tolerable. In fact, it's somewhat conforting. Since there's only a light drizzle coming down on me, and no noise coming from above, I know these clouds are not signs of some horrid thunderstorm on its way that I need to avoid. So, I can just carry on and enjoy the weather.

So, today has been quite a delightfully dreary day for me so far. That is, if you measure the day from dawn to dusk. Running the other way around, (as I usually refer to it) I think I can describe my night about the same. It was delightful in the sense that it went by quickly and easily, yet dreary because it was filled with extra detail cleaning chores (scrubbing the front sidewalk and parking spaces, pulling out the frozen drink machines and mopping behind them, hands-and-knees cleaning under counters) to prepare for today's inspection. So, while the tasks dealt with overnight were not overly enjoyable, the night went by quickly and shortly and I got out before daybreak, even. It also helped that my co-worker pretty much left me to deal with my own work almost entirely for the larger part of the night.

Altogether then, I think I'm pretty happy right now with the way the past 10 hours have gone. I might post some more thoughts and ramblings later, but right now I need to go do some laundry and stuff in preparation for a night to be spent at my grandparents' house. (Something I've not done in several years, and have always enjoyed, even through my most recent ages.) I've barely walked in the door and gotten my feet out of my soaked-through socks (soaked from hosing down the lot, not the rain) before I came to post this. I wanted to get these thoughts out before I lost them, though.

So, with that all said, I'll talk to you later.

- Iszi

Anyone Else Having Problems?

2004-10-10T15:02:00.000-04:00

I just recently downloaded and installed the latest release of Mozilla Firefox, to try to get myself away from the Internet Explorer hook. It's a beautiful browser, and I love all the features that it's offered, but I've been having problems viewing this blog properly. After the Archives section in the sidebar, there should be a Links section, followed by a Blogger button and a couple other icons. However, in Firefox, all I see is some text that is supposed to be commented out in the HTML code of the template. Anyone else using Firefox that's having this problem? Any slick coders wanna take a shot at it?

- Iszi

[EDIT]
Seems some good person at Blogger was able to fix the problem for me. The site looks nice and pretty now in Firefox, as it always has in IE. Thanks, Blogger!

Fasting - A Lesson In Resisting Temptation

2004-10-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

As I have mentioned before, since my wife has been gone I have been slammed with a wave of temptation towards acts that easier for me to resist when she is here. I won't sugar-coat this, now. It comes right down to porn and masturbation. It's something that I had let run rampant in my life long before I got married, and for some time after. At one point, for several months recently, I had full control over these desires and was able to steer clear of everything. But the past (three, now?) weeks have been harsh.

I've been sexually deprived, and could not rest in the reassurance that relief may be available within a few short hours, or days depending on how our moods and schedules worked out. No, relief is still several weeks away. Also, there's fewer people in the house for me to have to worry about being "caught". So, for the first two weeks of this abscence period, I found myself succumbing to the temptations, although every time I would beat myself up over it (not physically, mind you) afterwards. I hate the compulsion that leads me to these things, and yet I had not the strength to consistently resist it.

Then something came to my mind. I don't know how or why, but I had another compulsion coming forward now. This one, however, was not of Satan and sin. This was the re-arising of a desire to do something that had helped me feel spiritually free in the past. I wanted to fast. Now, when most people consider fasting, they think it means going off of food for a few days or so. Some people do this kind of fasting as a regular practise and exercise of their Spirit. For me, however, that is just not an option. I'm 6 feet tall on a thin frame, weighing in at 129 pounds. I can't afford to go without food for much more than 12 hours (and that's sleeping), let alone a whole day.

So for me, as well as many others, fasting has a slightly different meaning. Instead of going without food for days on end, they'll choose to avoid some other compulsory behavior or desire that they have. It may be food-related, or not. Some may fast off of chocolate, some might stay away from the TV or computer. There's all kinds of ways to fast, as long as it is something that you have to constantly consciously make your mind up not to do.

What, then, am I fasting away from? After reading the first part of this post, you may assume porn and masturbation. But that's not something to be fasted from, that's something to be avoided altogether regardless. Yet, at the same time that is obviously my end goal, right? So, my fasting is targeted towards assisting me in that. In a sense, it's a temporary aversion from one thing, to accompany and aid in the permanent aversion of another. When I fast, for the second time now, I'm fasting off caffeine and other forms of artificially made stimulants. I used to be big-time hooked on Mountain Dew Code Red. I used to drink between one and two liters of Code Red throughout each work shift, occasionally downing a SoBe Adrenaline Rush in low-energy emergencies (i.e.: working a shift after already having been up for 24+ hours).

Some had said I was addicted to the stuff, which I may have been. One day, at the last Men's Encounter that I attended, Pastor Rob saw me walking down a hallway with a 1-liter Mountain Dew Code Red in tow, as I almost always had one by my side during those days. He said "I'm going to pray that you get delivered from that this weekend." In the middle of the Saturday of that Encounter, (Encounters start Friday nights, and run to Sunday morning) my three-liter supply for the weekend had run dry, and the hotel's convenience store didn't carry any. So, I decided to take Rob's word as a challenge. I got some lemonade to help my praising voice last the days, and that's all I had to drink for the rest of the Encounter. For a month afterwards, I stayed off all drink-based caffeine (couldn't keep entirely away from the caffeine that naturally comes in chocolate) by supplementing my liter-sized Code Reds with liter-sized Aquafina, proving that drinking Code Red was no longer an addiction, but a choice of habit.

After that month, I slowly started to slip back into keeping a regular supply of Code Red handy as I used to. Once in awhile, I'd go for the water instead, but Code Red was again my habitual choice. So now, to accompany my re-establishment of abstinence from sexual sin, I am once again fasting off caffeine and artificial stimulants (i.e.: the aforementioned SoBe Adrenaline Rush). The closest I have come to breaking this so far has been one relatively small dose of Ginseng the other night, upon the insistence of one of my concerned co-workers. Since it is a natural herbal supplement, I do not consider this a breakage, but also am not going to be making it a habit.

Through this period of fasting now, (which has lasted a week and a day today) I have come to realize what the real purpose behind fasting is. Most will say it is to help weaken your flesh, in order to allow the Spirit to strengthen within you better. While I agree with that, I also believe there's a psychological aspect to it that can actually aid those struggling with sin.

As stated before, fasting is abstaining from any activity or indulgence which you would habitually do, and have to make a conscious and willful decision on a regular basis not to do. Now, what is sin? Willful disobedience to God. That means that every time you sin, you are taking that opportunity to make a conscious decision to follow the desires that lead you towards that sin. That also means that every time you are presented with that opportunity, there's also the choice available that leads away from sin. The conscious decision to follow God's will and not succumb to Satan's wishes for your life.

Given that parralel, one can gather that not only is fasting a strengthening of the Spirit, commonly in preparation for prayer or some heavy trials. It's also training to resist sinful temptations. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to constantly resist one of the most primal natural urges and bodily needs - to eat. That has got to be the ultimate training grounds for one to learn to resist any form of sinful urge. Especially for those that fast for days on end like that.

So, I've decided now that I will continue this period of fasting until my wife returns. After that, you can bet Code Red will be back at my side, although once in awhile substituted with a liter of Aquafina. But I do not by any means intend for the end of my fasting to be the end of my resistence to these sins that have plagued my life for so long.

- Iszi

Photoblog Is Up!

2004-10-07T11:36:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I've now established my photoblog, entitled "My World In Pictures". This is where I'll be posting all my pictures, when I have them to post. Right now there's just a handful of my wife and daughter, and one of my wife and I, but there surely will be more to come so stay tuned!

- Iszi

Pictures... Lots of 'em!

2004-10-07T06:36:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers!

As most of you by now know, my wife and daughter are currently visiting family in Illinois. The other day, my mother-in-law fished out some batteries for her digital camera, and the picture flow hasn't stopped since. Since I also have a good bunch of pictures on my computer, (if not my wife's) I thought you might enjoy getting to know me a bit more through those. So I'll shortly be setting up another blog that will be strictly for the pictures, so as not to clutter this one up. I'll post a link when it's up.

- Iszi

Cool Coincidences

2004-10-04T09:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Yeah, I know, this is a lot of posting for one day for me, but there seems to be a small handful of things I have to talk about, most of which don't really fit together. So, here's this post. Kind of a small thing really, but I just thought it would be interesting to share.

Yesterday was Sunday, of course. So, of course I wasn't able to post this then, as Sundays don't typically work well as posting days for me. (Read about it here.) In any case, I did go to church yesterday, as usual. A couple interesting things just sort of lined up during my time there that I'd like to share.

First, on the way to church, my sister asked me to help her cram for the test we were expected to have in School of Leaders that morning. Part of the test (we thought) was expected to include several memory verses that we were supposed to have gotten throughout the course of the semester. I personally slacked a lot on that part of the class, as apparently did my sister. So, while we were in the car, I took out my School of Leaders book and started calling out verses for my sister to remember. Near the end of the list, I came across one that I had expected her to know easily, as it is one of the primary scripture verses to remember in the Christian faith - particularly more so in our church, as this is what the church's vision is based on. So, I told her "Here's an easy one - Matthew 28:19." She didn't know it. Of course, there's many verses in the Bible that one may recognize without knowing offhand the scripture reference for it, so I tried another approach. "C'mon, it's the Great Commission! You've got to know that one!" Still, she was clueless. So, I told her:

Matthew 28:19
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

Then, it took her a good couple minutes going through it to remember the whole verse verbatim. Shortly after, we got to church and went up to take our tests. At the end of the test, Pastor Rob announced a few bonus questions. The last question was "What scripture is known as The Great Commission?" My sister is so toasted if she got that one wrong!

Another interesting coincidence where I was able to help someone in church that day, without originally anticipating that I would be helping them, occurred in the entryway to the church after class. I was mingling around there, waiting for the next service to start, when I ran across one of the guys in my cell group (whom we are calling JF) with his wife. After a minute of talking with JF, my cell group leader's wife came over and started talking to JF's wife. During that conversation, I heard my cell group leader's wife mention something about being self-conscious of her "coffee breath". During that moment, I happened to have my hands in my pocket, and my fingers ran across a sample packet of Orbit gum that had come along with a sandwich I had had at work for dinner. I usually keep a pack or two of Trident White with me for after-dinner chewing, so I'd just tucked the Orbit away and not thought much about it. Figuring the last thing a pregnant woman needs to worry about is her "coffee breath", I pulled out the sample gum and offered it to my cell group leader's wife, who graciously accepted it and immedately opened the package and started chewing the gum.

So, let's recap.

1. I have my favorite sandwich for dinner at work, which just happens to currently include a sample of breath-freshening chewing gum.

2. On the way to church, I give my sister a hard time, like the loving big brother that I am, for not recognizing a key Christian memory verse.

3. The aforementioned memory verse pops up as a bonus question on our test later, and my sister gets to nail it!

4. I end up being able to give the aforementioned piece of gum to a pregnant woman in need.

Isn't it amazing how God can just line things up for you to do without you realizing it?

Very Un-Patriotic (BMW)

2004-10-04T08:41:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I don't plan on making a follow-up post here for every post I make on BMW, but this particular issue nagged at me bad, and I wanted to make sure some people at least knew it was posted. The post contains a word or two of profanity, but is not littered with it, as that's not my style. (Unless you really get me cheesed, in which case I won't be referring to that kind of post on here.) So, if you wish to view my rant on one of the most un-patriotic things I have ever seen, feel free to follow the link.

- Iszi

Wake Up and Smell the Foliage!

2004-10-04T07:37:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

As I have said before, some things are more easily noticed when using a slower mode of transportation. (Refer to my "When Life Slows Down... Finally" post.) Today, it was an interesting smell that just brought peace to my mind. I got out of work a bit earlier than usual, just as the sun was coming up. So, as the sun came up and warmed the earth, the morning dew began to evaporate off of the grass and trees around me as I rode. As the dew evaporated, it carried with it the various smells of the plants that it was on. At some point in my bike ride home, I came across an area where the scent was so strong, it was almost like a perfume although the smell itself was distinctly natural. It actually made me just close my eyes and enjoy the smells around me for a minute as I rode. (Being careful to make sure I wasn't on a collision course with anything beforehand, of course.)

Somehow, this particular smell reminded me of a time in my youth when the world was still somewhat blissful. Particularly, it reminded me of one summer I spent at San Pedro's Summer Scripture Camp. It was sometime during my middle school years, and my grandparents (who are Catholic - hence, the Catholic-oriented camp) thought I would enjoy going to a summer retreat as a birthday present. (Mark on your calendars, people: June 17th - Coincidentally also the date I started this blog, and the day that my wife and I started considering ourselves as a "couple" before we got married.) It was a great time there, just being relatively away from everything and everyone. Sure, there were plenty of other people there, but no one that I knew. It was also in a pretty woodsy area, so for the most part everything was quiet and peaceful. Like I said, it was a time of bliss, when I had little to nothing in particular to be concerned of, and everything was just quiet and - dare I say - perfect in the immediate environment. One of a few times in my past life that I wish I could just go back and spend the rest of my future in.

So, what about you? Try this: Wake up early one morning, or stay up late one night (depending on what your sleep schedule is like) and take a walk or bike ride around some area near your house that you know, starting just as the sun is beginning to come over the horizon. Give yourself a chance to experience all the smells that are in that environment as they come up to you. Then, write about them and (if anything) what they remind you of.

This should be interesting.

- Iszi

No Trespassing

2004-10-01T11:33:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Short one here. Just something that kind of popped in my head as I passed by a small body of water on my way home today. I've actually seen the phenomenon that brought forth this thought twice now, in two different locations.

So, someone please tell me, what does the Florida Department of Transportation want so badly that's in retention ponds? Two times now, in two different places, I've ridden past these weird retention ponds. Both of them are fenced off, and on the fences are signs saying "NO TRESPASSING - DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION". What's up with that?

- Iszi

Notepad

2004-10-01T11:28:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Just thought I'd forewarn you that I've started carrying a notepad and pen with me now, wherever I go. Among other occasional purposes, its main function is to document blog article ideas as I come up with them. See, there's been several times where I get home and log on, and know that I've thought of something to blog about overnight at work, but can't for the life of me remember what. So, I've got this notepad now, and it's already got a good several items in it. A few for this blog, and a few for my other blog. So, I've got some writing to do now, and my posts should be more regular as I spend my blogging days trying to catch up with the notepad, rather than trying to stew up something to blog about out of thin air.

Hope you enjoy.

- Iszi

What I Want To Write?

2004-09-26T23:10:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I find myself in the middle of a deep rut of boredom and emptiness. Something has told me I should write, and write about my feelings, but I don't really know what to write, nor am I sure I know my feelings. Or maybe I do know them, but don't understand them. Maybe I'm just afraid of what they are.

A good part of my life, I think I have been hiding from my feelings, my true emotions. What made me want to do this? I can only guess it has to do with my experiences in school, since the 3rd grade until probably about the 10th. My days were constantly filled with bullies, jeers, and insults during that time. At times I would shoot insults back, but would only get worse ones in return, with my own having been entirely ineffective. Other times, I would be too tired of the failed retaliation attempts to even bother. At those times, I would turn away sullenly and try to move on, but was still left feeling very stung.

Through this time, I was always taught that ignoring the bully would make him go away. Why are we taught this? Most people seem to think (as true or untrue as it may be) that childhood bullies pick on other kids because they're looking for attention. So, the obvious counter to this would be to not give them the response and attention that they're looking for. This, theoretically, would show the bully that this method (or target) for getting attention does not work, and so (supposedly) they should move on to trying another method (or target).

However, for one to completely be able to ignore a bully, one must also be able to put aside or ignore the feelings brought on by that bully's words and actions. Not only are a bully's words and actions often personally hurtful, they are many times publicly humiliating to their target. The feelings brought from this are anguish, inferiority, shame, worthlessness, rage, and - when everyone else seems to be on the side of the bully, or otherwise neutral - isolation.

So, how to ignore one's feelings, then? It's not easy at first. For awhile, you have to grit your teeth at whatever hits you. Eventually though, you get used to it. It even becomes second-nature to you. They say your feelings become "bottled up" at this point. In my experience, it seems more that you've become immune to them. Even if there is some bottle to break, when it is broken the ground that it is broken on is hardened to the point that it does not absorb the bottles contents.

For some reason, that almost doesn't even make sense to me. Pardon if I ramble a bit, but I've now decided I should probably just spill out whatever comes to mind the way it comes this time. So, I'll not be re-writing any of this as I go.

Perhaps there's actually stages to the dulling of emotions. The first would be where you have to focus yourself on ignoring them - the "gritting your teeth" phase. The second is where you ignore them subconsciously without trying anymore - the "bottling up" phase. Then, there's a point where you just don't feel them at all - the "hardened ground" phase.

So, now I've found myself in that "hardened ground" phase. I think I've been here for quite awhile now. Several years, at least. What are the symptoms of this? For one, it's not too easy to make me really laugh. I mean honestly laugh uncontrollably. Outside of that laughter, there's not much that makes me really smile from the heart. And the hardest thing to get me to do is cry. Surprisingly enough, the last thing that made me cry was something that most guys might think is just a little thing that only a woman would cry over.

That was a year ago now, plus a few weeks or so. During the planning of our marriage ceremony, there were all kinds of snags in having to deal with other people's schedules and locations. Part of the difficulty was due to lack of funds to be able to pay for a neutral location that would be central to everyone else's position. Schedule difficulty was because it had to be done while my wife's mother and grandmother were down, (since they were paying for the paperwork) and both my parents had plans that overlapped this time. Eventually, I was able to talk all the major parties (the in-laws, my parents, and the person conducting the ceremony) into a date and time that (albeit in some cases barely) lined up with everyone's schedules.

In searching for a location, there were only a few available, none of which were in the family-politically-neutral category. The one we had to settle on was a neighbor of my mom's, whom I'd known since I was 12 at least. Meanwhile, I got a letter from the only local aunt and uncle that I had on my father's side, saying that they and their children (3 of them, the youngest probably now 13) would not be attending because they did not agree with the way we were doing things. I don't recall the exact wording, but the reasons were pretty much based on religion. I don't think they liked the fact that we were getting married after already having a child, but what was probably the bigger problem was that we weren't getting married by a minister in a church. In either case, those situations were both due to the financial situation we were in at the time. (And still are in, pretty much.)

So, that did kind of hurt, but it was somewhat to be expected, so I tried to keep it aside and not let it bother me. What did hurt, however, was when I talked to my father about the when's and where's of the wedding. He told me that he and his wife would not be able to attend there, for personal reasons. That hurt bad. In fact, it's probably the only time since childhood that I can recall going to my mother (and that was an hour-long drive that my wife made just for me - for those who don't know, I don't drive and my mom's house is an hour away.) for emotional support, and actually crying on her shoulder.

In the end, we moved the wedding to my mom's house and everything went okay. It's quite funny in a way, what's coming across my mind now. The most recent time that I have felt genuinely hurt (albeit I didn't literally cry over it), was a few months ago, and also involved my father and a wedding.

This time, it was his wedding. If I've already posted on this, I apologize for the redundancy, and I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. Originally, when my dad e-mailed me to tell me that he and his fiancee were (finally) getting married, he said that he had wanted me and my brother to both be best men. However, in a later IM conversation, he said that he wanted my brother to be best man since he would be in uniform. My father was formerly in the Navy, and recently retired from the United States Air Force Reserves, and my brother is recently enlisted in the USMC. So, since they both were going to be in uniform, (the wedding was not a military ceremony, but it was on Armed Forces Day, so all veteran attendees were asked to appear in uniform) I could understand if he wanted my (note) younger brother to be the one directly at his side, with me standing next to my brother, but to say that my brother was to be the sole Best Man, essentially relegating me to a lower position in the ceremony, just because I could not be in uniform, pissed me off.

However, that wasn't the only factor to my hurt. See, this also opened up an old wound. All my life, my dream had been to enlist in the Air Force, and go to school to work on the computer networks there. All my life I'd wanted to serve in the armed forces like my dad and granfathers. When my interests and skills developed so strongly in computers and technology, the Air Force seemed the best and only way to go. Also, I had a predisposition towards that branch, since that was where my father served most of his time. If I've ever had a "lifelong dream" that was it.

So, when I was 18, I went to the recruiter's station. Next step from there was the ASVAB test, which I passed with flying colors. So then, I was in a position to choose any career the Air Force had to offer that didn't require perfect eyesight. (I'm supposed to wear prescription glasses 24/7, but currently don't know where they've run to. Fortunately, I can see well enough to function without them, but not pass a military optometrist's inspection.) So now, on to the MEPS. The only thing that could have held me from passing through here (I thought) was that I could come up underweight. If that had been the case, a little bit of working out and chowing down could have fixed it easily. Okay, so there was also this little curve in my spine, but it had never impaired me before, nor did I ever feel any pain from it, so it should pass muster, right? Wrong. The biggest lasting heart-break of my life was the day that I was told the curvature in my spine was too great to be acceptable for military entrance.

So, now I was being told that because I couldn't wear the uniform that I wanted to wear so badly with all my heart, I couldn't stand as my father's Best Man at his wedding. Not only that, but in my place was my younger brother. Not a best friend of my father's or one of my uncles, but my younger brother! Perhaps it's wrong of me, but with all things otherwise being equal in regards to personal relationship, when a father has to choose between sons for a particular important role in his life, isn't the eldest typically given precedence?

It came to the point that I couldn't let the hurt go unanswered. I calmly confronted my father with my feelings on the issue, and he tried to smooth things out, making it look like a misunderstanding or something, but all the talk didn't make things feel too much better. Furthermore, when the wedding came around, and then the reception, I was constantly hearing my brother being introduced, and referred to as, "My son, the Marine," by my father. At some points, I would be introduced as "My son, Jacob," but in my mind I kept hearing "My son, the convenience store clerk." What else was I supposed to think?

So enough with the past, what am I feeling now? I guess I've dropped into something of an empty stupor. Empty because my wife and daughter are hundreds of miles away, and stupor because there's not really much to do right now. Okay, so there's a good deal of stuff to do, but nothing I want to do. Nothing that I could look forward to doing even if I did do whatever else needed to be done. So therefore I am left here doing nothing, in a state of utter boredom and depression.

Oh, look! Another blog has updated. My wrists are starting to cramp up from all this typing anyway, so I'll wrap it up for now.

- Iszi

Furcadia

2004-09-23T02:19:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Just thought I'd post about a game I've come across recently, that I'm now "flirting" with a bit, called Furcadia. It's essentially a place that you can go to and let your imagination go. In a sense, it could be calld an MMORPG, but there's no consistent plot in the world to play in. Basically, what it is is a world made up of several (somewhat) distinct areas where your character can go to interact with other characters, or to browse and enter into "dreams".

Dreams are worlds within the world of Furcadia. Some of them (I'm guessing) were pre-designed with Furcadia, while the majority of them are user designed and uploaded. Inside these dreams, you can do just everything you could do in the outside world, but in a different environment. Some dreams are created specifically for some form of entertainment. (i.e.: Some are devoted to board games.) Some are created to be an open house to hang out in. Some will let you build your own house inside their lands. Many dreams are dedicated to role-playing, each with their own environment, theme, and rules. I've found dreams dedicated to Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Lord of The Rings, for example. I even found one designed to be like Pokemon.

In most of the Furcadian world (Including any non-dream world, and most dream worlds) your character is displayed as a walking animal. There are Canine, Feline, Rodent, and Equine avatars, as well as a couple others. For a fee, you can even have wings, or be a Dragon, Gryphon, Eagle, or Phoenix. While most of these animals are naturally quadrupeds, in Furcadia they walk bipedal and are proportioned slightly more like humans.

There seems to be quite a few friendly people in Furcadia, as well as some not too pleasant. There's actually a whole section of the world specifically for "R-Rated" dreams and interactions, but I have yet to have any mentionable problems with anyone outside this area.

So, feel free to come join me. Download and registration is on the web link above. A reccomended tool for this game is Furnarchy, which allows you to keep a buddy list of people you meet in Furcadia, (the game does not yet have this feature integrated) and also comes with some other useful tools. If you're looking for me on there, my screen name is the same as here, "Iszi". If you want to try to contact me when you log on, you can type "/Iszi " to whisper to me if I'm on.

I might post a screenshot or two later on. Meanwhile come on out and have some fun.

- Iszi

Something Wrong With Me?

2004-09-22T04:41:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I've been up since 2200 Monday night and it is now almost 0500 Wednesday morning, and I still probably have an hour or so to go before I'll be ready to crash, although I probably should do so sooner.

Part of my sleep problems come from a naturally erratic sleep pattern, helped by a somewhat unregular schedule of daily activities throughout the week, as I have described in this post on my new blog. (Don't worry, that post is clean. Feel free to view if you want to get a rough idea of my schedule throughout a typical week.)

However, I'm starting to wonder if there's not some other reason for all of this. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my marriage hasn't been the most stable as of late, and there's also the added stress of having to keep a baby in a house that shouldn't have one to start with, (something I'll probably rant on more in detail on BMW later) on top of maintaining myself in one of the least sought-after jobs there is on the market. Now add to this the recent subtraction of my wife and daughter from the picture for a month.

Originally, when it was proposed that they go up there for a month, my first thought was "Yes, finally some peace and quiet around here." While proving to be accurate so far, I hadn't anticipated how much that "peace and quiet" would actually get to me at some points. I truly do miss my wife and daughter more than I probably had imagined I would. Always having considered myself a pretty emotionally stable guy, I guess I kinda just figured it would be a small change I'd adapt to and move on through as if it were nothing. Friday night, the last night they were here, was when it actually started to hit me while I was at work. Saturday morning I saw them off, and then took a long bus ride home and landed straight in bed. That was some good, quality, quiet-time sleep right there... once the phone stopped ringing.

When I awoke, though, something in my heart just felt things were wrong in the house. I couldn't hear the TV on in the living room. Half the lights in the house weren't on. No one was in the chair in front of my wife's computer, and the playpen was empty save for a few left-behind toys. That night I worked with a much-weakened feeling spirit. I honestly came close to having a case of the sniffles a few times when I thought about how I was really missing them, and how I should probably have taken Friday night off to spend with them. Then tonight, when I came in to go on the computer about an hour ago, something was also just as much out of place. The light in my room was on, and the bed and crib were empty. No light snoring or rustling as my wife sleeps or my baby rolls over in her crib. Just nothing.

So yeah, this is all bothering me a good bit. I miss my wife coming to drag me out of bed when I'm starting to cut close on time for work. Heck, the nursery at TLR was short-handed tonight, and all I could think of for it was her. And yet she says our marriage needed this time apart. I dunno.

What also bothers me is what I keep hearing from people at work. Last time I checked (probably a year ago or so by now) I stood about 6 feet tall, and fluctuated weight between 130-135 pounds. My complexion has always been rather light, particularly owing to my nocturnal nature, and I've never (since after babyhood) been said to have an ounce of fat tissue on my body. Well, in the time that I've been at this particular store, (3 or 4 months now) several of my co-workers, and even a couple customers have been expressing concern that I've been losing weight badly, and I'm looking pretty pale. The weight part I can tell a little by the way some pants are fitting me. Complexion I notice little difference in except I'm just now starting to tan from some of these bike rides.

In any case, some of these ladies are seriously concerned almost to a maternal degree, if not more so. And now I'm starting to feel it physically, since I'm riding my bike more. But honestly, if I ate the way that I know I could, there wouldn't hardly be money left over for my wife or daughter to eat after rent and tithe are taken out of the paycheck. So now, with everyone but me starting to worry about me, I'm starting to get a little concerned myself. What the heck is wrong with me here?

- Iszi

BMW Is Up

2004-09-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, got the foundation laid down for BMW - Blog, Moan, and Whine. Not much there yet, but I will be posting some stuff later on. Feel free to add to your favorites or whatever. I'd prefer it not linked though. If you want to link to me, please link here. I'll add a link to BMW in my sidebar later on.

- Iszi

Talking Back

2004-09-20T13:05:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers. And particularly Butterfly and Debi. :-)

I noticed a couple comments on my previous post, and thought I'd compile my responses into a new one, since they started to become a little lengthy. (Then again, when was I ever known to be brief?) So, here we go.

Butterfly - My mom's roof is all tarped up last I knew, and they're going to need it totally re-done, which falls just under their deductible on their insurance, so they're going to have to shell out full price from their own pocket. Over at my house, we've still got the damage we had before with the siding, but the real ugly parts have been boarded up. And that's about it. My aunt has never been too hasty about taking care of non-vital repairs. (i.e.: Anything short of full loss of power, water, or phone service, or damage to kitchen or multimedia appliances, or air conditioning.)

As far as riding my bike to work, it has its times. On the way to work isn't much enjoyable, since it's in the middle of our hot and humid Florida nights, and there's always the pressure to get to work on time. But, on the way home, when the weather is about as cool as it's ever going to be during the day, and I don't have to particularly worry about getting anywhere at any certain time, it's rather nice. Distance is a little over 3 miles, and I usually cover it in about 30 minutes on the way there, and sometimes as short as 20 minutes on the way home. (A lot more uphill going to work than from, if Florida can be considered to have "hills".) Like I said before, it's nothing I've not done on a regular basis in the past, it's just been awhile. Also, my self-maintenance level isn't where it used to be either. (A couple co-workers of mine have told me that in the past 3 or 4 months that they've known me, I've lost a good bit of weight. Starting from 6' 0" and 135 lbs. at last check, that's not a good thing.)

Probably the most riding I've ever done was one trip home from another job, when I'd missed the bus on a particularly nice day. It would have been an hour to wait for the next bus, and the weather was nice, so I decided to go crazy and ride my bike all the way. Why crazy? Because (now that I look it up) the trip was about 23 miles from work to home. And that would be if you're taking the Interstate, which of course I wouldn't be doing on bike. So, with all the detours, (plus a few long-sustained wrong turns) my ride was probably more like 36 miles or so, and took about 3 hours. If I got back into the shape I was then, I think I'd do it again sometime just for the fun.

Meanwhile, in my current shape, my body screams for mercy every night. This truly brings me to the awareness of how not well my body actually is. I used to be able to do this kind of ride to and from a job, (or double the distance, to and from school) and do my work in between, and not physically feel bad at all coming home. Not a good change at all.

Debi - Thank you for your prayers, they are always appreciated, and particularly now they are hitting directly on my current needs. Strength is a rather obvious one, given my recent change in travel mode. Wisdom is also going to be needed to get me through just handing the mess of thoughts in my mind right now. There's so much that I can feel that I'm thinking right now that I don't clearly know what I am actually thinking. Also, with my wife and baby away, many temptations have - and more will - come into play that normally don't have as much strength against me when my wife and daughter are here. So, the battle of flesh vs. Spirit rages on harder.

As far as me going up to Illinois to see her while she's there, that's pretty much out of the question. It's financially un-feasable to start with (her mother's paying for her trip as it is), and even if we did have the money to get me there and back, we couldn't afford for me to have the time off work. So, nice idea, but it just can't happen. :-( The peace and quiet around here is nice though, when I'm sleeping. When I'm awake and I notice it, however, it does bother me occasionally. Fortunately I have a handful of good friends and family members that will drag me out of the house as they see necessary to keep me "alive".

In other news - I'm considering starting another blog. There's a lot of times that I just want to totally vent my frustrations, but that's not what I intended to have this blog for. So, I'm thinking about making a separate one just for when I want to gripe about various things. That way people that like to keep up with this journal here can do so without having to see my "ugly side" if they don't want to. However, it may behoove anyone wanting to truly know me - all of me - to go ahead and read both. I will warn that, if things get really nasty some days, there may end up some occasional "colorful metaphors" on that blog, (For which I'm considering the title: "Blog, Moan, and Whine") although I will try to refrain from their usage in general. The separation of the blogs should also help keep any remotely harsh language further off this one. Yeah, I know it's not good of a "Christian" to swear, and it's something I'd like to say I'm working on, but when it comes to venting - for me - those rules just end up out the window sometimes. Hopefully some day I will be able to say I'm entirely free from it, but meanwhile you have been warned. I'll post when the new blog is up.

- Iszi

Yeah, I'm Alive... Unngh!

2004-09-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

So much to write, so little energy. So, I guess that's about all I'm going to get to say here. The week's been long and trying, and now to end (if you consider Saturday/Sunday to be the weekend) it, I had to say goodbye to my wife and baby for a month or so. They've gone up north to visit my in-laws, while I stay home to keep making money. Meanwhile, since a.) She's the one between us with the driver's license, and b.) Our transmission just went out, most of my traveling to and fro has been done through leg-power. Either walking, or biking, with the occasional relief of a bus ride in between. It's not like I've not been through this before, or never had to cover these distances in this manner before. It's just been awhile. So all my muscles want to do now is grunt and stiffen up and never do another thing for the rest of the night... or week... or life. There's a lot more that's gone on that I'd like to cover. Also some psuedo-philosophical things I would like to ramble on about, but half of those have been forgotten in the time that it's taken me to get to doing this, and the other half I just don't have energy for. It's time for sleep. Further proof of how tired I am, here. I'm too lazy to break this into paragraphs or care about whether or not it's even remotely punctuated properly. Although I'm sure my punctuation has never been perfect to start with. Wait, that was just a fragmented sentence, wasn't it? Ah, screw grammar, good night.

- Iszi

Posting About... I Forget What

2004-09-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I had something in mind last night (Or was it the night before? Or maybe the daytime today?) that I had wanted to kinda just toss up in this little spot of mine, but I entirely forgot what it was. So, I guess I'm just posting about my own forgetfulness. Bummer, I guess.

Oh, and I guess to follow everyone else's fashion I should probably post something about yesterday having been 9/11. Sounds pretty apathetic, doesn't it? Although it may not be not the greatest thing for me to say (or be) on the subject, but that's kinda how I feel. Don't quite know how to (or if I can) explain why, but that's the way it is. For some reason, for the past three years, whenever 9/11 has rolled around all I could think of is "Oh yay, everyone's going to get all sappy-sobby, and the nation will probably be keeping their eyes peeled for copycat criminals or something like that."

This is not to say that I'm not understanding of what happened on that day, or the loss of life, or damage to a handful of the most significant buildings in the hub of the big-business capitol of America. It's just that I've never quite seemed to have the emotional pull from it that everyone else has. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that for most of my life (and still often times now) my emotions have been largely supressed. Even when I'm angry beyond measure inside, I rarely express - or even feel - it.

Maybe it also has to do with my memory of the day, and the week to follow. Yeah, I'm going to psycho-analyze myself a little here. Might wanna step back, it could get ugly.

In middle-to-late August of '01, I'd flown to Illinois to see my wife (fiancee at the time) and meet her family, with the intent of staying for about a month. If I recall, this would have had me there for a few weeks or so ahead of her birthday (9/13), plus another week or two. So, having already been there awhile and overcome any sense of jet-lag there may have been, at zero-whatever-hundred hours it whas when the first crash hit the news, we were doing what any sensible young adults would be doing after staying awake past 2 in the morning: sleeping. In fact, knowing myself, I probably hadn't gotten to bed until more like 4 or 6, while she (being the more sensible one) was an hour or two ahead of me. So I'd only had a couple hours of sleep on a very hard double-size mattress (which really didn't fit the both of us together real well) at my grandmother-in-law's (yeah, called 'em the "in-laws" long before the paperwork was ever done) house, when her mother yells out "Get up, get up! We're at war!"

So, what was my first thought? "Damnit Mom, the sun's still in the east, let me go back to sleep!" Of course I had enough sense not to actually say that... I think. In any case, I did at some point (probably a half-hour later) drag myself out of bed just in time to see a couple replays of the disaster. And while the whole "Do you realize how many people there were in that plane/those buildings? thought process was somewhere in the back of my mind, the front of my mind could only say "Wow... that is some pretty cool demolition." when the towers went down. Seriously, if you were to take that out of real life history, and put it in a movie, what would the response from (probably) 90% of Americans be? In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I'd heard that after 9/11 the release of MIB II was delayed because the original storyline consisted of blowing up the twin towers. Kind of a bummer since I know those would have been some great effects! Heck, I wonder what they would have done to ID4 (Independence Day) if the Empire State Building or the White House had just been blown up while the film was nearing completion?

Not long after this moment of the experience did we get a phone call telling us to haul it to the gas station and fill up since prices were changing while people waited in line. So, there's another good chunk of that day with my fiancee and her family blown. (Gas lines were worse there at that time than I've ever seen them down here during the preparation and recovery days surrounding Charley or Frances.) Then, the day after, I get told that my stay was going to be cut short. Since I was on a "buddy pass" through a cousin-in-law, I was ordered to make my return flight in 3 days or my ticket would be cancelled. And yet, aside from the barely noticable military presence, security at the airport was still a laughable joke.

So, what were my feelings on 9/11 at the time? All I can remember is being tired, cranky, and pissed off that hours (and later weeks) were taken away from time with family that I had barely gotten to know just because of some lunatics a thousand miles away that got a little pissed off at us for no particular reason. And I wanted to sleep. Bad. Or at least be able to zone out and let my body pretend it was sleeping while my mind occupied itself with something of lesser concern. Oh, and the job market absolutely sucked when I got home. (I had been unemployed during my vacation, with no job yet reserved for my return.)

So, apathetic? Yes I am. Do I feel bad about it? Probably should. Then again, when you almost don't know your feelings, it's hard to know if you really do feel bad about something in a deeper sense like that. So, what do I know that I feel? Not much except that America needs to suck it up and move on. Roll with the punches. Dust yourselves off and get back up and running again. Seriously, people, you act like this is the most catastrophic event that could have taken place within such a short time span. Maybe it ranks up there a little bit, but open your eyes to the really big stuff that's happened in the past. Like Hiroshima. Yeah, Pearl Harbor was pretty bad, but what about Nagasaki, too? The world is never going to be at peace, and throwing more crap at each other and whining about it forever isn't going to make things any better. So cry your river, build a bridge, and get over it.

I should correct myself on that. The world will be (for the most part) at peace for some time in the future before its end. But when that time comes, the end will also be near. Read the book of Revelation if you don't know what I'm talking about.

- Iszi

By Invitation Only

2004-09-07T16:03:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, today seemed rather productive albeit stressful. First task was to run over to my grandparents' house to assess any roof damage and assist with any immediately necessary repairs. They lost a few pieces of shingles, but other than that most of it looked fine. The only heavy duty work needed was to take down a tree limb that was rubbing against the edge of the roof and would likely start to casue damage if another heavy storm came through.

After that, Grandma made us (my sister was with me) some lunch and entertained us with details and pictures from their trip to Italy several years ago. Then we headed back to my mother's house to help put up another tarp that would cover the entire roof over the garage. (Where most of the leakage is.)

So, what does all this have to do with the title of my post tonight? The title comes from a newspaper article I had read while waiting at the table for lunch at Grandma's. The article was in the Life & Times section of The Orlando Sentinel, and was entitled "A chosen few". The article is about what appears to be a very exclusivistic singles club in th Orlando area, "By Invitation Only". This company is so proud of their exclusivism, it appears, that their company name is in big, fancy letters on the "welcome mat" of their front porch. (And it's not a small mat either.) The club proclaims itself to be only for the "elite", the "upper eschelon", the "culturally sophisticated". The minimum income required to join this club is an advertised $50K per year, with an "unofficial line" drawn specially for men, at $100K.

Sound like somewhere you might not be able to get into? Hear some quotes from the owner, Nancy Kenyon, and you might be glad that you can't. In response to why this company was created with such high standards: "The lower socioeconomic class is doing fine. They can meet in Laundromats." Ex-cuse me? What mouthful-of-a-term was that? "lower socioeconomic class?" Since when did my salary or lack thereof determine my value to society, or my character as a human being? Furthermore, if everyone were to get paid according to the amount of blood, sweat, and tears (put shortly: physical labor) poured into their work, the pay ladder would be turned upside-down, with the bottom-level employees making thousands more than the ones in the office who currently earn their paycheck almost solely because of their ranking in the company.

To contrast the statement that the "LSC" (for short - in this blog, not the article or actual quotes) could essentially meet in the sewers for all she cares (Just my take on the quote - again, not anything actually stated.), she says that "[The upper eschelon] is not meeting, mating and procreating ... It's having a detrimental effect on our country ... Our upper eschelon is going to get smaller. The gifted classes are going to get smaller. There may not even be gifted classes." Okay, now I wasn't born into the "upper eschelon" myself, but I most certainly could have qualified (and did, in many respects) for gifted classes when I was in school. And I can tell you for almost absolute sure that my mother's and father's combined incomes (even when dad had two jobs) didn't likely ever hit the minimum required income level for men in the club.

I doubt it would surprise you to know that although she would not disclose the amount of the membership fee, she could be quoted as saying "I always want my suit to cost more than the membership fee." while wearing such a suit that retails for $1K at least.

I find it quite funny that, even with the exclusivistic nature of this club, one of its members could be quoted as saying the club includes "People from all walks of life..." Then again, let's look at the examples he gives, "... lawyers, a couple of real estate agents, some jewelry store owners." and the man himself is a construction superintendent - just about the only person who might remotely allow that list to be classified as "all walks of life", in my humble opinion.

Betty Wilson, one of the ladies working at the club, can be quoted as saying she likes to take her members to the "type of places where run-of-the-mill people wouldn't feel comfortable." Last I checked, even the not-so "culturally sophisticated" person still would enjoy having a nice glass of wine served to them among friends sitting in cushy chairs around a table with a live string ensemble playing in the background.

Further, Wilson is quoted as saying "Didn't your mother or grandmother ever tell you that birds of a feather flock together? You don't see the eagles playing with the buzzards. We are eagles, the movers and shakers and doers and winners." I wonder how that made the interviewer, whom I'm sure doesn't net $100K/yr (which, if I'm not mistaken comes just a couple bucks short of $50/hr) feel. I mean, how would you like it if you were trying to do someone a favor (I'm guessing) by giving their club a little publicity in one of the most read publications circulated in a densely populated area, and that person - during the interview - called you a buzzard to your face? Think of what a buzzard is. It ain't pretty for one, and all it does is eat after the other animals, many times after flies have already started having their turn at the carcass.

The writer ends the article with probably one of, if not the most appalling comments from Mrs. Kenyon that there are in the article: "When someone our age..." (It would seem most of the club members are in their middle-age years) "...doesn't have that much of an income, there's a reason. They're unmotivated, they have a low IQ, or they don't make good decisions." For myself, (albeit I don't yet fit that age category) I may fit the last of those three. I have plenty of motivation to look at when I wake up every day. Just turn to my left and there's my wife, look over her into the crib and my one year old baby is looking back. I have to make sure both are maintained alive and well, and reasonably happy. I think that's a good bit of motivation. IQ? Again, I could have easily qualified for several gifted classes back in my school daze. In almost any given class that I did take, I skipped most classwork and homework but could still ace any given test. In some classes, I even literally sleeped through all the class and still passed the tests. So, bad decisions? Yeah, probably. I've chosen to slack a good bit throughout my life, but everyone does make mistakes. Who is anyone to hold one's mistakes against them for the rest of their life, and use that mistake as cause to tell them whom they may or may not hang out with?

If I may be so bold, I think the author of that article was trying to portray his brutally honest personal opinion of this club and its owners, operators, and members, without actually overstepping his journalistic, objectivistic boundaries. So, Mr. Mark K Matthews, I'll say it loud and proud for you in my own opinion and words: These people are a bunch of self-centered snobs whose class deserves to die for lack of a place of intermingling for breeding purposes. Quite frankly, I'd rather mate with a "vietnam veteran" living off the side of the road, than to shake hands with one who would endorse such a club's ideal.

Okay, so maybe that was a little to the extreme. But I hope my point has gotten across there.

And yet, we still haven't hit the part of this that disgusts me the most. According to the latest tally of the club's 1000+ members, most of them are claiming to be Christian! Okay, so Jesus did feast with the lawyers and tax collectors, but I seriously didn't think he meant for them to just go and continue feasing solely among themselves in His name! It would almost be like if I were to get up on a pulpit to preach about living as a "rich poor man", knowing full well I'll shortly be driving home from church in a brand-new, paid-for-in-full-with-cash Jaguar XK8, and can't remember the last day in my life that I honestly could claim to be penniless. This isn't to say that Christians shouldn't ever be rich. The Bible does say that God has plans to prosper us, but I highly doubt he meant for that prosperity to give us reason for shunning the "LSC".

Just further proof of how screwed up life can get when people are paid more for working less, I guess.

- Iszi

Update - The Orlando Sentinel has moved the article referred to in this post, into its archives. Typically, these archives are only accessed by paying a subscription fee to the Sentinel's website. Fortunately, Google has yet to remove the article from its own search archives, so I was able to pull up a cached copy in a Google search. The full text of the article is below:

A chosen few
By Invitation Only isn't for everybody, which is just the point. The club aims to be a place where the elite can meet, mingle and mate.

By Mark K. Matthews | Sentinel Staff Writer
Posted September 6, 2004

Chances are, you can't join By Invitation Only. Look at the name, people, it means exclusive. Top-notch. Se-lect.

First, let's talk salary. How much do you make a year? Minimum wage? Ha! Go away, and don't track mud on the carpet. $30,000? Nope, sorry. $40,000? Close, but not there yet.

To get in, organizers say, club hopefuls must make 50 big ones. Minimum. And that's just for the women. The unofficial line on men is even more, ringing in at a clean $100,000.

Founder Nancy Kenyon says there's a reason, nay, a mission, for the posturing. It is to help preserve what she calls "the upper echelon."

"The lower socioeconomic class is doing fine. They can meet in Laundromats," says Kenyon, who chats over a fruity drink inside society headquarters, a pink house in College Park. But the upper echelon, she says, "is not meeting, mating and procreating."

A big problem.

"It's having a detrimental effect on our country," says Kenyon, 55. "Our leaders are not going to be there. Our upper echelon is going to get smaller. The gifted classes are going to get smaller. There may not even be gifted classes."

Hence, By Invitation Only -- Kenyon's solution to the love problems of Central Florida's elite singles. Based out of a quaint home she says is one of the oldest in the College Park neighborhood, the group matches members of the upper crust on the down low.

Discretion guaranteed.

"We are just careful," says Betty Wilson, who runs the day-to-day business of the club. At the top of her priorities, Wilson says, is to ensure members -- which Kenyon says include politicians and judges -- can mingle and "not worry about it showing up in the headlines."

For that reason, the membership roll is confidential. Party locations are kept hush-hush. Even the cost of joining By Invitation Only is kept in the shadows -- although Kenyon will drop a single hint.

"I always want my suit to cost more than the membership fee," she says, wearing a light-colored St. John ensemble that retails for at least $1,000. "Very high-end."

Still, there are a few secrets Kenyon will reveal. Founded in 1991, she says the club now boasts more than 1,000 society singles. By her count, most are white, Christian and Republican. Many are divorced; most are middle-aged. Some, Kenyon says, hold positions of power, especially in the business community. Go-getters. CEOs.

"People from all walks of life, we have lawyers, a couple of real estate agents, some jewelry store owners," says Ted Langford, 47, a construction superintendent and the only member of the club who agreed to speak on the subject. "It's quite a big circle."

To get into the club, it helps to know someone on the inside. Candidates with a sponsor are required to endure only one interview; those without must pass two. Still, to help increase membership, the club recently has taken to advertising in the newspaper -- salary requirement included.

Once accepted, membership has its privileges. There's dinner, dance and theater. Private beach parties in New Smyrna Beach. Cocktails at the posh Citrus Club, which touts itself on its Web site as a haven for "people of distinction who appreciate the special amenities of a place of privilege."

"Our group, we feel, is culturally sophisticated," says Wilson, who joined By Invitation Only in 2000 and became director a year later. Called one of the more popular members of the group, Wilson -- who would not reveal her age -- says she tries to take her charges to the "type of places where run-of-the-mill people wouldn't feel comfortable."

"Didn't your mother or grandmother tell you birds of a feather flock together?" Wilson asks. "You don't see the eagles playing with the buzzards. We are eagles, the movers and shakers and doers and winners."

But there are some secrets Kenyon would rather not reveal.

In 1989, when Kenyon ran an Altamonte Springs group called Perfect Match Introductions, she settled out of court with a competitor -- her former employer, in fact -- called Compatible Introductions, which alleged she stole materials and ideas from them. The settlement cost Kenyon at least $28,500, county court records show. Asked about the dispute, Kenyon said, "It was just silly."

Kenyon also has been sued by clients upset with the service. These also were settled, but she says the problems weren't because of the "quality of the service" but rather the clients' expectations. "Now if anyone complains in the field, we just give them their money back," she says.

Even the salary requirement has been questioned.

"Fifty thousand a year? That can't be right," says Langford, who serves as one of 12 "ambassadors" in the group, a role destined to help new members get acquainted. "We have some teachers. That [figure] can't be right."

So why advertise a salary minimum? Valerie Patterson, president of a singles service called Dinner Dates, says a club such as By Invitation Only would use that to "convey that's it's an elite crowd."

Kenyon insists the only reason she instituted the requirement was because her members wanted it.

And beside, she adds, "When someone our age doesn't have that much of an income, there's a reason. They're unmotivated. They have a low IQ. Or they don't make good decisions."

Mark K. Matthews can be reached

at mmatthews@orlandosentinel.com

or 407-420-5164.

Prepare, Recover, Repeat.

2004-09-07T09:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, this has probably been simultaneously the easiest hurricane I've ridden out, and yet the hardest one I will have to recover from. Or rather, the hardest one I will have to recover from until Ivan gets here.

Charley left little to no damage to the house that I live in, but my mother's house got pretty roughed up along the edges. Particularly, there's several spots in the roof that had shingles tore up and off, so there were a few leaks in the ceiling to deal with and some spots to tarp over on the roof. At work, I'd had to lose a day because the hurricane was coming through, and that was reflected very harshly on my paycheck. Also, the air conditioning was out when I came back for about two days, along with just about any other equipment required to keep anything cold. So, not only were we sweating up a storm to get things done, but we were having to clean up messes from melted ice cream and chocolate, and exploding pizza boxes. (The frozen food display freezer was actually stuck in a perpetual de-frost cycle to the point that it was actually cooking some of the frozen pizzas in there.) Also, when all the replacement product came in, it wasn't a small shipment by any measure. And the employees are the ones that have to put it up, typically on third shift. (Yeah, that means me.)

So, no sooner do we recover from that hurricane than do we have to prepare for this one. That meant getting another load of huge shipments in at work to cover for the increase there would be in sales. (Surprisingly, after Charley, the drink product we ran out of most was beer.) And it would also mean having to board/tape up the houses and make sure the tarps are extra secure on the roofs.

Fortunately, for the most part in this area, it seems that Frances was kind to most of the debris that was still left lying on the side of most neighborhood roads. However, she was not kind to the roofs on, and soil around, our houses. My mother's house (where I am writing this from currently) has more leaks in the roof than I want to count, and reports from my aunt's house (where I typically reside, which is made of wood) are that the outside walls are so saturated that most of the siding is now worthless, and some parts are even damaged to the point that insulation can be seen. As far as work goes, the power has been out since my manager checked on it Monday morning, so there's yet to be any forecast on when we'll be re-opening (or when I'll be able to start making money again). I may just end up having to fish around other stores for hours to work. Probably should have gotten a jump-start on that already, but there's other things around here to take care of before I would like to go in for any unscheduled time. Hopefully, if necessary, I can claim some of the missed hours as sick pay.

And now I'm left wondering, what's the point of all this clean-up again? I mean we're only expecting the next storm to come through in four or five days! The worst of this for me is that everything's coming just as I'd started to build some resolve to get out and find a better place to earn money from. So why go out looking when you're going to be incommunicado for so many days in the near future, and - for that matter - don't even know if the place that you'll be looking into will still be standing or operating after the next storm?

I feel like the character in a common "dumb blonde" joke:

Why do blondes take forever in the shower?
Because the shampoo directions say "Lather, rinse, repeat".

So, why is life never going to be back to normal around here?

Prepare, Recover, Repeat.

- Iszi

Another Month Gone

2004-09-04T17:29:00.000-04:00

Been just short of 3 months ago that I started this blog now, eh? Moves quick when you're not paying as much attention as you orignally intended, I guess. This month also will mark my daughter's first birthday (the 4th) and my wife's and my first wedding anniversary (the 14th - really ought to find a freebie calendar to attach here, anyone know one?). Here's sure proof that my daughter is a born-and-bred Floridian now: She's to having her first birthday on the day of her second hurricane experience, with another hurricane still likely to come in a week or so. Not many out-of-staters could claim to that I bet.

There's a good bit of stuff I've been itching to blog about off and on lately, but couldn't get my lazy tail around to doing until now, and even now isn't the greatest time considering I've just (a few hours ago - yeah, did the day shift like an idiot) gotten off work and have a likely-to-be very long day ahead of me thanks to a "gal" named Frances.

What I would like to get out here are a couple shouts to some blogs I recently started keeping up with, some of whose authors I'm in the process of getting to know. I'll be adding these to the Links section soon, if they're not already there:

The Crazy Woman and Heart, Soul, and Humor are both written by a nice Christian lady named Debi, whom I've gotten to know a little bit through her blog and a few e-mails back and forth. This is one of the first blogs I stumbled across in the Blogger Dashboard, and albeit I'm not typically one for political discussion (sorry Debi), it's managed to keep my interest still.

Prison Pete is written by an anonymous Editor who relays the letters sent from his friend "Pete" who is currently in a medium-security Federal prison awaiting release sometime this month from punishment for an unspecified crime (the guy does have right to keep some things private) for which he possibly faces further time in a NY State prison upon release. For more specifics visit the link above, regarding the Editor, or just visit the blog link and dive right in. Pete's really an intriguing person once you get to know him a bit (through his blog). Ran into this one when it became a "Blog of Note" on Blogger, and been keeping up with it since.

Being Jennifer Garrett is written by one of the editors at Blogger. (Yep, you guessed it, Jennifer Garrett.) Basically just her little dumpzone of thoughts on whatever suits her mind at the time. I don't recall how I stumbled across this one, but it's been pretty interesting to watch and you'll find I'm even specifically mentioned in one of her posts! (Pays to "Do the Dew", eh?)

Butterfly is written by a young lady who refers to herself simply as (what else) butterfly. Ran across her comments on another user's blog I was surfing and started watching her blog probably a week ago. Whenever we get a chance to synch up online, I'll probably be helping her learn a little bit (what little I know) about this thing we love to call "blogging".

Semi_Automagic is written by an EMT/Embedded Systems Specialist who goes by the name of David. Just caught onto it while bouncing around the Blogger navbar, and (since he was online when I posted a comment to one of his entries) started chatting with him via e-mail last night. Seems like a pretty cool guy, and he linked back to me, so I'll be returning the favor here.

Anyway, that's all for now. By the way, I'm currently blogging from my mother's house using my box with some spare peripherals dragged out from a box that was lying around. Originally just brought the tower for the sake of keeping it out of a house that probably wouldn't be weathering the storm well, but then my brother said the word LAN Party and I couldn't keep it unhooked for long from there.

So, see y'allz after the storm, then!

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there are hurricanes but no thunderstorms or tornados.

Blogadelic, Baby!

2004-08-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers!

For my 30th post (Yay, another "0" number, woo-hoo! - Actually, it really has nothing to do with that.) I thought I'd reflect on some stats that I've found interesting regarding my blog.

A couple days (maybe a week) after I started this blog, I ran across a site tracking tool called BlogPatrol. It's free, and gives you basic details about traffic to your site. Some items of interest are the "Top 20's" and "Last 10's", which they have for both Referrers (Sites with links to my blog that people cliked on.) and Search Tearms (Words people used on search engines that led them to my site.). Also provided is a breakdown of some basic computer information for the last 25 visitors (IP, Browser, OS, and Screen Resolution/Bit Depth).

I really don't much care who does or doesn't view this site, but it does fascinate me in a way to see what actually does happen to this page when I'm not looking. For instance, I can say with reasonable confidence that a large percentage of my visitors are running Internet Explorer 6, on a Windows XP machine, at 1024x768 resolution with 32bpp. Someone out there is running 1280x854x32 (Widescreen?) on a Mac. And some others are like me (and I am excluded from this listing, by the way) and like 1280x1024x32 on their WinXP machine under IE 6. The few Mac users that have stopped by are all running NN 7.x, and there's some oddball XP user running something called Opera 7.x. (Never heard of that one... maybe I should give it a whirl.)

IPs barely tell me a thing, except for a few people that I know of. Like, I can say "Hmm... that's a familiar domain, I wonder if so-and-so has stopped by?". Or "That's a local ISP, I wonder who I know nearby that's visited?". Which tells me my visitors like to tease and toy with my mind. I have one word for those... nyahh! :-P

What I find of particular interest is the Referrers/Search Terms lists. Most of my referrers are other BlogSpot blogs, probably via the handy-dandy little Blogger Bar up on the top of any BlogSpot site. That link all the way on the right will take you to another (random or recently updated?) blog that's linked to BlogSpot, and I can only assume that's the way I'm getting them listed as referrers to my site, since I don't know these people and I don't see my blog in any of their links lists. Aside from those, my next hottest referrer falls under the "Self-Referring/Bookmarker" category, which tells me that people actually do visit this link that I hand them once in awhile. Kinda nice to know. After this, things start to get interesting. My next hottest referrer, albeit unsurprisingly, is Jennifer Garrett's Blog. It's a pretty popular blog that I just started reading (Gotta remember to add her to my Links section), written by one of the editors at Blogger. She'd made a post one day regarding the new flavors of Mountain Dew popping up, and I made a comment to add Pitch Black to her list of Dew Mutations. Seems she was shocked enough to append that to her original post, and therefore now puts her on my "Top Referrers" list, and makes her the only specific one I can document that I did not intentionally genrate. (At least, not for this purpose.) So, thanks Jen!

The truly most intriguing thing I find, however, is the Search Terms list. So far, only 3 searches have hit my site. (Not that there's much traffic here anyway, but the searches themselves are interesting.) Two of them were through Yahoo!, one for "money for returning students" (don't ask me how Yahoo! found me that way), and the other for "green glass doors". The latter I find particularly interesting since the third search was through Dogpile, also for "green glass doors". After further research, I've found that the "money for returning studients" search actually picked me up due to a typo in one of my posts (accidentally added an "i" in "students") and then some remote connetions to the other terms throughout my other posts. As far as Yahoo's "green glass doors" results, I think the person must have had "valley" or something else in there when they did their search (the term itself has actually dropped off the list since it's been awhile, so I don't know exactly what it was, just that it was there and had something to do with those doors), because I can't find myself anywhere within the first five pages or so of Yahoo's "green glass doors" results. But for "money for returning studients" I'm number 12! (An error soon to be remedied, so I'll not link.) And, for the Dogpile "green glass doors" search, I'm number 10!

Just some interesting things I've noticed, and thought I'd blog.

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there are puppies and kittens, but no dogs or cats. O.o

Rainbow-Dumping Koalas

2004-08-19T12:16:00.000-04:00

So... what if a koala bear really did crap a rainbow on my brain?
I mean, what would it feel like?

I think it would start with the fuzzy feeling of the koala's bottom rubbing on my head, followed shortly by a warm mushiness as he starts about letting his business out in my hair.
Then, a slight tingling sensation as the colorful stuff passes through my skull.
Next, I imagine a veritable merry-go-round of images swirling in front of me as it all enters my consciousness.
I'll find myself in another place, floating in the sky, chasing birds through clouds with the ground above me - not below.
At some point maybe I'll come to rest on a mountaintop, to converse with a friendly goat about the weather.
Then, we would watch together as a thunderstorm brews in the distance, with beautiful flickerings and bolts of lightning streaking across the sky, and around our heads.
Suddenly, I feel the steady drizzle of rain running down my face, as if - anomalously - that is the only spot on earth being rained on.
I look up, and I see...

... Dangit, that koala's really taking a piss!

This message brought to you by the Department of Random Thoughts.

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there are Skittles, but no rainbows.

Women

2004-08-18T04:39:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Today, I'm going to write about something a little more personal than I have in awhile. That is, personal in the degree that it does not just involve myself. Hey, this is a journal, isn't it? So bear with me here.

Lately it seems I've been going through some very trying times with my wife. I know some of it, if not a majority of it, is my fault through my own laziness. But still, some of it seems to have originated elsewhere. Where, I'm not entirely sure. But if it has to deal directly with me, I don't know how.

Before my wife and I met, I had yet to know what it really was like to be "on fire" for God, as I do know. (And am learning more each day.) Conversely, from what I'm told, she was thoroughly active in her church and in various aspects of keeping up in her relationship with God, or at the very least maintaining a Christian attitude and outward appearance. This was even reflected in the screenname she was using when I found her online. Me? Yeah, I went to church now and then. I went to various youth groups and some social outings associated with the like, but I never had that fire, and my life outside any "Christian" setting was just that of any other ordinary Joe.

Fast-forward a couple years. We moved in together down here, and occasionally went to the church I'd been going to for a year or so, as our schedules and energy levels allowed. Later on, the "schedule and energy level allowing" part seemed to happen less and less often to the point of almost never.

(If you've already read My Bio, first I say kudos for sitting through that whole thing. Second, a lot of the following will probably be redundant of that post, but some previously unmentioned details are included. So you may want to read or skip.)

At some point, my brother invited us to the church we are at now, ChurchInTheSon. Originally, I stayed away because "I didn't have the time." or "I didn't have the energy.". I also didn't want my wife to go without me because I wanted us to experience it together so we could make a decision as a couple on it. At some point, my brother convinced me to stop holding my wife back, and she went and loved it. She wanted this new place to be our "home church". Still reluctant to change, but not wanting us to be divided on this, I gave it a shot and after a time formed my own connection to the church.

Meanwhile, my wife is on fire. She'd joined the choir and a cell group as soon as she could, and went on the first Encounter she could round up funds for. During this time, I was slowly starting in the direction that put me where I am now. I started getting involved in The Living Room, helping set-up and tear-down when I could, and helping with the PowerPoint presentations that assisted in leading Praise and Worship.

At some point my brother and my wife got me to go along on an Encounter, which was when I truly felt my Spirit get fired up for possibly the first time in my life. After coming back, I got myself plugged into a cell group, and started coming to church on Sundays more consistently than I ever have since my parents' divorce.

Meanwhile, my wife started getting a little worn down. She'd been coming to church early to be in choir for first service, then go to Post-Encounter, then to be in choir for second service, then actually sit and listen to the sermon in second service. And that was just Sundays. Mondays she came to church to meet with the cell group she was in, but she had to show up early to get me there to help set-up for TLR. From there, I would usually catch a ride out to the cell group I was (and still am) in, and she would just come home after her cell group which usually met during or shortly after (depending how fast we were) I was done helping with set-up. Then, Tuesdays, we'd show up early so I could check the PowerPoint presentation for the night, and help with any last-minute setup issues at TLR. Then she'd stay late with me so I could help tear-down. Thursdays I had nothing, but she had choir practice to go to.

So, understandably, she was starting to get a little "burnt-out" of church. She figured it would ease things up if she dropped out of choir, instead of me dropping off TLR since TLR is usually the more short-handed of the two. I was reluctant to agree to this, but it sounded reasonable enough. It also helped fix my transportation issues on Sundays. (Usually she'd have to leave the house before I'd hardly had a chance to get home from work, so I ended up having to bum rides from friends and family if I wanted to go.)

Life rolled on a bit like this. She transferred cell groups to one that was being started by another member of the one she'd been in, and met on Sunday nights. She also went on a second Encounter during this time, as did I not too long ago.

Lately, though (not quite sure exactly when it started, probably been a month or two now) it's been like pulling teeth to get her to come to Sunday morning services. And almost as much so to get her to go to cell group meetings. While I on the other hand have stayed dead-set determined not to miss a Sunday regardless of circumstance or her own choice. This week has been prime example of that trend.

Saturday, she told me I'd likely have to find my own way to get to church. Again her excuse for having backed off was because she was "burnt out". Sunday, she didn't start to change her mind until she began to realize that I was dead serious about riding my bike if I had to. However, I insisted that unless she herself wanted to go to church, I wasn't going to let her take me because I didn't want to have to deal with having the unpleasant company of someone who didn't want to be there in the first place, whether it be my wife or otherwise.

I ended up taking my bike. A ride that lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes (albeit it's no stretch I've not done on a regular basis before) in late-summer heat ended with my arrival at a church that had no power and was running on generators just enough to have lights and speakers up. (In case you haven't noticed, I am in central Florida, and we did just have a hurricane through here, so it's not an uncommon condition in this area right now.) Amazingly, the church building felt refreshingly cooler than the outside, despite the lack of air-conditioning. Where others were fanning themselves from the heat, I was thanking God for the cool atmosphere.

Also while I was there, I had to deliver the message to my wife's cell group leader that my wife may or may not be showing up that night - she was undecided. Later on, I learn that she's actually wanting to leave that cell group and find another, after she's already formed bonds and relationships with the women in her current cell group - the kind that shouldn't just be broken on a whim.

Monday came then, and I had to face the prospect of finding my own transportation to set-up for TLR. This time for legitimate reasons, but the past few weeks haven't been easy either, when there haven't been. Fortunately, set-up was cancelled anyway since there was still no power.

Tuesday - tonight - my wife's original plan was to just drop me off at church for TLR and leave me to find my own way home (which I've never had trouble finding - praise God - but still never much liked imposing either). For some reason she changed her mind and stayed anyway, even though she knew I'd connected with some other guys and was going to hang out with them afterwards and have one of them take me home, therefore rendering her presence unnecessary. (Not to say I wanted her to go home and miss service - just that I wouldn't have needed her to drive me home after.) In any case, had she stayed with her original plan, that would have left her without any connection to church for the entire week, and still leaves the fact that she's continuously been a hinderance to all the things I've been trying to do there throughout the week. (Oh, and in case you're wondering about my cell group meeting for Monday, it's moved to Thursdays and I've got a ride that's been pre-arranged and regular for awhile anyway. Makes enough sense since my wife has no need to be in that vicinity at that time anyway, so it's no big.)

So, things have inverted themselves here. My wife used to be the most devoted, spiritual, and otherwise outwardly Christian of the two of us, leaving me in the dust. For awhile during my recent growth period, we seemed to be nearly on the same level. Now it seems I've grown more, and she's pulling away to the point that not only is it likely hindering her spiritual life, but it's also putting a lead weight on mine.

So far, the Bible has yet to encourage me much either. There's several examples I can clearly recall where, when a woman (typically, a spouse) gets involved with affairs between men and God, they only serve to (at least try to) screw things up, whether that be their intention or not.

The first example sadly starts with the first woman. In Genesis 3:6-7, we see Eve being the first to sin directly against God, and then inviting her husband Adam to join. Albeit the man had his own free will, he'd probably learned by that time that it's usually not a good idea to argue with his wife. ;-) Thus began what is widely known throughout the Christian world as "the fall of man". In this case, the influence of Adam's wife (who allowed herself to be influenced by Satan himself) served to distance Adam (and, consequently, mankind) from God, and to get them evicted from their original residence in paradise, to a near-barren wasteland where they (and again, consequently the rest of mankind) had to work hard to make the ground produce what they needed to survive.

Another example is Job 2:1-10 where, after Job has experienced much suffering and trial, and yet is still continuing to stay faithful to God, his wife comes to tell him to (verse 9) "... Curse God and die!". Isn't that just the most uplifting thing your wife can say to you to help a rough time in your relationship with God? (Note: sarcasm) This is one case in which a man has the bravery to stand up to his wife and say "... 'You are talking like a foolish woman...'", and not listen to her advice. Had he followed her suggestion, he likely would have been far separated from God in what was once one of the greatest man-God relationships in history.

In Genesis 15, God makes a covenant with Abraham, then known as Abram, saying that he will have a son and his heirs through that son will be as numerous as the stars in the heavens. Abram's wife, Sarah (then known as Sarai), had yet to bear him children, although they had been married for quite some time. Moving on to Chapter 16:1-5, in order to make this miracle work - in a sense - Sarai told Abram to sleep with her maidservant, Hagar. Again, looking back to my comment on Adam and Eve, Abram did have his own free will and could have very well chosen not to listen to her, but who's going to want to argue with his wife, particularly when they make something out to appear to be a part of God's plan? So, Abram slept with Hagar, she conceived, and then Hagar began to despise Sarai for what she had done, to the point that Sarai came back to Abram and blamed him for the whole fiasco. So, not only did his wife's interference lead Abram to sin, but it also served to make trouble in his wife's relationship with her servant, and his relationship with his wife.

And so now I have to deal with a wife who is constantly hindering my own connection to God and the church. In fact, this past night, she kept asking me why I don't stay from church this week since I had been having problems sleeping well lately and was quite cantankerous upon waking to get ready for TLR. It almost came to the point where I had to yell at her and tell her "No, I'm going and I'm not going to change my mind!".

I do love my wife and my daughter very much, and further I do know that to divorce is sin, so I do not even consider that ever an option for me to take. Yet, at the same time I wonder how much longer I can take this? What is it I'm doing wrong that I have to change to fix this? I could understand if she was just wanting to back off from going out for things that are essentially just for me (i.e.: Monday and Tuesday nights), but now that she's backing out of Sunday services and cell group meetings on top of that, it makes me feel like it's not just something wrong with me. It makes me wonder what is going on that she won't tell, that's keeping her from wanting to do these things? Probably the most bothersome of my worries is this: If I am (And I am) called to be in ministry - to preach and minister to others - how can I fulfill that calling, to the best of my abilities and God's satisfaction, when my wife is like a dropped anchor dragging along the bottom of the sea that my ship is sailing across?

I guess it's time to weigh anchor, but the only question is how?

My prayer tonight:

Father God, I come to You in thanks for all You have done for me in my life. I thank You for the power that is in Your Holy Spirit which You have sent to dwell within me. I thank You that You have given me such a fire to have Your will done through me as needed. As always, I can do nothing in this world that is of You without Your help, and I need that help now. Please help me to understand what is going on in my family now, Lord. Give me Your wisdom, so that I may see what is necessary to straighten things out. How can I work to build Your house, Lord, when mine is in a shambles? Help me to better hear your Holy Spirit, so that it may guide me in the re-construction of my household, that it may grow to be a better representation of Your house, to bring glory to Your name. I thank you for the fruits your Holy Spirit has planted in me, particularly that of longsuffering - patience and perseverence - that has helped me to better stay the course through these times. Help me to not be angry, or to loose that anger upon my family when the days are harsh. Please help me to open up better communication with my wife so that I may come to understand what is going on in her life that is working to try to separate her from You. Help me to have wisdom in handling whatever this is that has come against her, to bind it and cast it out of our lives and this household. This, Lord, I pray so that our relationship with each other, and with You, may be strengthened, and also that I may grow to be a better servant in Your will, to better build Your household to the glory of Your name. All this, I pray in the name of Your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Corporal Punishment Defended!

2004-08-13T00:03:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Like scant few these days, I was raised to fear the wrath of a good spanking when it was deserved. Never was anything harsher than my mother's hand used, and rarely was it done when I was not fully dressed. Always it was because I had done something wrong and needed some form of immediate, effective punishment. Never did it leave a mark, or did I feel need to whine to anyone outside the family about it.

So, I constantly found myself confused when I hear about people being taken from their parents because their parents spanked them or some nonsense like that. I have always considered a reasonable amount of corporal punishment acceptable when deserved, because that's how I was raised. And just today, I stumbled across defense for it, should any Christian need it.

See, I wasn't raised on corporal punishment because I lived in some "redneck" home, or my parents were "old-fashioned". And it definitely was not because they were "abusive". It was because I was raised in a Christian home, by parents who were raised in the same. This form of discipline is in fact supported, in Proverbs 23:13-14 (NIV):

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death."

In the NLT text, these verses are translated as:

"Don't fail to correct your children. They won't die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death."

The Message translation emphasizes verse 14 even clearer:

"A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death."

The part about this that would scare people in today's society is that, in the most commonly used translations (KJV and NIV), these passages are referring specifically to discipline with a rod! That's talking about smacking the child's bottom with a long, sturdy, wooden stick! And people cringe today when we talk about just a little slap with our hand?

The bottom line of a good spanking is that it's the quickest and most effective way to get the message across. As humans, one of our primal instincts is to avoid physical pain. Which means that we will avoid doing things that we know will cause us pain. (i.e.: Touching a hot stove.) So, if we are shown that a particular action (such as telling a lie or bullying a sibling excessively) will result in us experiencing pain (a spanking), then we will naturally not want to do it anymore.

So, rather than "abusing" our children when we spank them, the Bible says we are using physical punishment as a tool to teach them to stay away from behavior that would lead their soul to eternal death. And no one, but no one, has any right to tell me not to try to stop my kid from going to hell. As long as they are left alive and well, and no worse for the wear, the Bible explicitly tells us there's no reason not to spank our children as a form of punishment.

Just some thoughts I figured I'd put up, in regards to this scripture I stumbled across.

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there is sleeping but no beds.

People Say The Darndest Things

2004-08-11T04:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Nothing big here. Just something that struck me funny that I thought I'd share. While playing Shattered Galaxy tonight, someone said something rather peculiar, and yet interesting to consider, in the chat box. I don't know what conversation I walked into the middle of, but here's the quote anyway:

"It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow on my brain."

I'm not kidding, those were the exact words.

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there are balloons, but there is no air.

God is Just AWESOME!

2004-08-11T00:03:00.000-04:00

Hallelujah, Readers!

This has just been an awesome night for me tonight. Of course, this was a Tuesday night, so I was at The Living Room not long ago. The really awesome part about it is who came to TLR tonight.

It's this regular customer I have at work that I've been trying to get to come. His life right now is a total mess, and he needs to get it straightened out, but he has been very reluctant to accept any help in steering in the right direction. I've invited him several times before; every time he's said he'd come, and every time he'd stood me up. This week, however, he came to me (mentioned it first) about TLR one night at work, and said he'd come along with his girlfriend and her sister. The time for TLR to start came, and he wasn't there yet, so I kinda freaked out for a bit. Got a hold of him and found out he was just running behind. He stayed for the latter half of praise and worship, and about the first third of the sermon before he had to leave to take his girlfriend home, but he said he'd try to come again. No one, myself sometimes included, ever seriously expected him to walk through the door of that church no matter what he said. So, for me, finally seeing him there tonight, and hearing him say he'll come again was just totally awesome. Praise God!

Gah... You ever have a fire lit up in you, and right in the middle of your burning it, someone tells you something or something happens that totally kills it, and you can't get it back up? A friend of mine, who has not even been married to her husband for two years yet, told me about 2 minutes ago that she's getting a divorce. I can only pray that God helps her through this, and that she knows she can seek forgiveness through Jesus Christ in the end.

Now, however, I am left with a lost fire. I might tap up something more later on on to post, but this is it for this one.

- Iszi

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors, there is marriage but no divorce.

The Valley of the Green Glass Doors

2004-08-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

I now introduce The Valley of the Green Glass Doors to this blog. For the uninitiated (who would be otherwise horribly confused), this is pretty much a word game. In this hypothetical "Valley", all things exist which have double letters in their names. Such as pizzas, or frisbees, trees, pools, and yellow. Nothing exists in the Valley that does not have a double letter in its name, like onions, or throwing, leaves, water, blue. So, what you do is you take something that does exist in the Valley, and something that does not, and put them into a comparison sentence. Like so:

In the Valley of the Green Glass Doors...
...there is pizza, but no onions.
...there are frisbees, but no throwing.
...there are trees, but no leaves.
...there are pools, but no water.
...there is yellow, but no blue.

I'm thinking for the sake of entertainment, I might just start adding a Valley of the Green Glass Doors entry to the end of my posts from hereon out.

- Iszi

How Do They Do It?

2004-08-05T11:42:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I came home from work today rather weary, as usual, and contemplated posting something up here, although I didn't quite know what yet. Although the past few days have not been uneventful, it's really not been much worth reporting either. Primary reason I hadn't posted Tuesday or Wednesday morning was because I came home from work and went straight to the crash-zone, since I'd had to work the previous night on both those days. Monday and Tuesday nights are usually reserved off so I can go to cell group (Mondays) and TLR (Tuesdays), and not have to worry about feeling too burnt-out at work from having woken up several hours earlier than usual. But, to get the days off I needed for last weekend's Men's Encounter, I had to work Monday and Tuesday nights this week. So, it was definitely crash-time after work on those nights.

So, instead of posting, I went and browsed some of the Webcomics and other Blogs I keep track of, then went off and put a few levels on my units in Shattered Galaxy. Then, a thought came to me that I figured, for some reason, I should post.

How do they do it?

I mean, the guys that put out those Webcomics I read every day. How do they do it? How do they keep up with work, family, social life, and their webcomics all at the same time? And they don't just do this one or two days a week, most of them do it close to every day of the week! UserFriendly updates 7 days/week, LeastICouldDo 6/week, and Real Life 5/wk. And most of them have forums and blogs on their websites, too! So not only are they having to plan, draw, and publish their comics every day, but they're also having to keep up a reasonably regular posting schedule in their blogs and forums (which, I know from experience, keeping up with a whole forum at once can be a massive task), and on top of that, try to keep up with the (likely) massive influx of e-mails they must receive every day from their readers alone, not to mention family and friends.

So, my question is, "How do they do it?" and, more importantly "How can I do it?".

That's all for now.

- Iszi

Wow... Long Time!

2004-08-02T13:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Geez, has it already been two weeks since my last post? Somewhere close thereof at least. I guess that's what happens when Satan very expressly tells you that he's not happy with the direction you're turning in. Well, Satan, here's some news for you: You're just gonna have to deal with it and go mess with someone else. Jacob is tired of putting up with your crap, so now you have to deal with Israel!

For those who don't pay attention to my calendar (wait... I have one? No, I don't. Maybe I should get one...), I just came back from a Men's Encounter on Sunday. Since I had recently discovered the great plans God has for me, I went to the Encounter asking Him to show me what I will need to do to live up to these plans, and where to go from here to head in that direction. What I ended up realizing is that I haven't truly given God first priority in my life. A large part of that has its root in the flesh-vs.-Spirit battle that I've been talking about now and then.

Part of the reason I haven't posted in awhile is because I've just been getting too worn out at work lately. Whenever I come home, my flesh has just been telling me "Okay, it's time to just chill until bedtime.". While writing this blog, and reading the Bible and praying can be (and is) quite relaxing and "chilling" for the body and mind, that's not what my flesh (and, of course, Satan) wanted me to do. So, instead I would come on and log on to one of my favorite games (See Links section to left.) until my body said it was time for bed. Then later on, get up for work and do it again. Through this behaviour pattern, I allowed myself to be distracted from God, and remained stagnant in my walk with Him, although my Spirit has so much longed to grow stronger, so that I would be able to do the things He wants me to do in my life.

Eventually, I began to recognize this as an attack from the Devil. See, one of the grounds that he uses to intrude upon our lives is called the Battlefield of the Mind. In this instance, his attack was for the purpose of distraction and delay. Satan knew I had received my calling to service from God, and Satan knew that I wanted to find out what God wanted me to do to work towards the fulfillment of His calling on my life, and so Satan wanted to distract and delay me as much as possible so that it would be longer before I would actually come to do God's work, if I should ever overcome that distraction to begin with. For a time, I let this just slide. Don't know why. Maybe in my flesh I just didn't much care, and I wasn't letting my Spirit take enough control to work otherwise.

Such is the Christian life, it seems: A constant battle of human flesh vs. God's Spirit. One thing I always have said on this: God's greatest gift and curse to humankind, rolled into one, has been free will. He'll put the path before us that he wants us to walk, tell us that he wants us to walk in it, but we must choose every time to do so. He's not going to force us, and He's not going to stop us if we choose otherwise.

So now that I know that it has been the Devil trying to distract me from God's will in my life, and I know what's in the Devil's tackle-box, I know how to better listen to my Spirit and focus more on God as my top priority, so that I can walk in the paths He wants me to walk in.

A Biblical expression of the choice we are given to make through the free will given to us by God, can be seen in Psalm 119:32, in which the Psalmist says: "I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." In this, he is expressing that because God was the one that set his heart free (gave him free will), he will walk in the paths God has for him, instead of choosing otherwise.

So, now is the time for me to get my priorities straight. I know I need to start putting God first in my life, in my schedule, in my mind. Then, focus on the family. Everything else can come after that. Only when I give myself completely over to God's will and service, can He lead me to fulfill the calling that He has put on my life.

- Iszi

Song of the Moment: Scott Krippayne - I'm Not Cool

Links Section Created

2004-07-20T14:42:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

I would just like to make note that there is now a Links section in the sidebar of the Main page of this blog. That is all. Oh yeah, and the previous post was numer 20, w00t!

- Iszi

When Life Slows Down... Finally

2004-07-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

Greetings Readers.

Sorry for the short hiatus again, but as my previous post mentioned, work has been starting to wear me down a good deal. Finally, though, with last night being night number 13, my work week is over. BL stopped in during the shift to say that she should be able to make it tonight, so I at least have one day off for sure.

So, having worked for almost two weeks solid, and been (trying) to keep up with my usual church-related commitments in the meantime (only one of which I called off - that was last night's cell group meeting and setup for TLR), I was really looking forward to my wife's arrival so that I could just plop in the car and relax on the way home, then proceed to my bedroom for a good, long crash before TLR tonight. Seems God had other plans for my day.

I called home to let my wife know I was ready for her to come get me, only to have her ask if I could take the bus instead. She'd been out the majority of last night (until just before I had to go to work) with a friend at a funeral for one of their family members, then the rest of the night trying to stay asleep despite fighting cats at our door, and a fussy baby in the crib. So, she wasn't in the greatest waking condition to drive out to get me. I relented, and went out to wait for the bus.

So, let's look at how my morning was changed and what I was thinking about it:

Originally, I would have had to wait about 20 minutes inside the air-conditioned store for my wife to arrive to pick me up for a 10-minute ride home, during which I would have to do little more than sit in the passenger seat and possibly respond to a few questions regarding my night at work.

Now, I had to go out in the lovely humid Florida morning, to wait for an indeterminate (up to a half-hour) amount of time on a wooden bench that was wet with morning dew and surrounded by ant holes, for a bus to come get me. (Eventually, I gave up battling the onslaught of the ants, and went to sit on a nearby storm drain.) When the bus would come, I would have to get on, fish out $1.25 to feed to the fare machine, then sit down and maintain my awareness enough to know when to pull the stop cord. After that, I would have to choose from waiting for the next bus on the second route I'd have to take, which could be up to an hour, or walk about 1.5-2 miles the rest of the way home, again in the humid weather of an overcast Florida summer morning shortly after sunrise. After I would get off the second bus (should I choose to wait for it in the first place) I would still have about a quarter of a mile to walk home.

Needless to say, this did not sound good to my body at all. In fact, it sounded like the most wrong way anyone could think of to end a 13-day work week, when a better alternative was available. Quite to the contrary, however, it ended up being a very fitting way to end such a week.

So, let's look at how the morning actually went:

I went out to the stop, took one look at the bench, and had just enough presence of mind to put my jacket down first, then sit on top of it, to avoid a wet bottom from the morning dew on the bench. Sitting there, thinking about the journey home that was ahead of me, I looked down to notice that my feet were planted quite firmly in the middle of several ant-holes, from which a steady flow of ants came and went, going about their business. Then, I noticed some of those ants (well, duh) had chosen to use my feet as a part of their travel routes, as long as I was there. Just great, I thought. After sweeping some ants off with my hands, then just kicking my feet around to try to shake them off, I looked for a better place to plant them while I sat at the bench. Finding none, I gave up and sat atop a storm drain nearby. There were still ants on the concrete, but they were few and far between.

There I sat, until the bus came. After I got on the bus and approached the fare machine, the driver closed the doors and started moving along again. I had barely even had a chance to pull out my wallet to get the dollar bill. Nimrod, I thought at the bus driver, Don't you know it's against the law for you to move this bus until I'm past that little white line behind you? Fortunately, having used my bicycle as a primary form of transportation numerous times in the past, I had a good enough sense of balance that it did not affect me too much, and I was able to pay the fare and sit down. There, I looked up to the TV monitors to amuse myself with the latest news coming from the bus' sattelite feed from the Transit Television Network. The screen display (possibly the satellite feed itself was flawed, who knows) was distorted just enough that some words were readable, but the overall message that was trying to be conveyed was beyond legibility. Fortunately, this was the shorter portion of my commute, so I didn't have to tolerate the boredom much longer.

After I got off, I found myself just slightly hungry enough to feel the need to snack on something quick. I considered my options as I walked along: McDonalds? No, that's the one BL fell at, and furthermore I wasn't in the mood to walk into one of my former workplaces just at that moment. Wendy's? Heck no, the service at that one is consistently horrible, and I've never much liked the food itself anyway. Besides, they looked closed. The new Dunkin' Donuts across the street (the only other fast-food option along my path) hasn't been opened yet, so that's a definite no-go. Bummer. The only place along the way that would have anything now that may remotely suit my palette was a Walgreens on the next corner I had to turn.

So, I walked through the parking lot of Walgreens, and as I approached the entrance area I noticed a few policemen standing rather conspicuously by the doorway. Now what? I thought. As I drew closer, a man came out and was calmly surrounded by the policemen as he ranted about the manager (who was not far behind him) having something against him because he was homeless. Carefully distancing myself from the situation as I entered, I found no opposition to my going in the store and proceeded to the other end of the store where their vault was. The soda section was rather bare, especially in the one-liter size category. I turned to the manager, who was returning to his office just past me, and asked "Are you out of Mountain Dew Code Red one-liters?" (The only soda and size I drink.) He politely informed me that his store was discontinuing them. Just lovely. I thanked him for the information, and proceeded on, noting they carried Hersheys milkshakes, which I also liked.

Hungry for a candy bar now, I went to check out that section before I actually got my drink. Nothing particularly jumped out at me, so I went to browse other aisles for some odd reason. I found myself in the stationery section looking at highlighters, which I needed for my Bible.

At this point, my mind and mood finally started to actually slow down and I could breathe, although I did not realize this until a good bit later. They didn't have any highlighters that made particular mention of being suitible for Bibles or thin paper in general, so I looked around some more just to see what was there. Then my eyes settled on a protractor. I rememered my art now, and how I used to enjoy it. I do not draw art and pictures in the usual sense. Rather, I draw a particular type of geometric design, and transform it into various forms to (often only vaguely) represent other objects and/or artistic expressions. It's kind of difficult to explain without showing, but the whole thing really just requires a pencil, ruler (preferrably a transparent standard/metric combo, with measurements as small as 1/16 in. on the standard side, and millimeters on the metric), and protractor (also preferrably transparent, and as small as possible). A pen is also nice to finalize the drawing with. Oh yeah, paper is also a necessity. Preferrably graph paper. And a nice notebook to keep it in.

With these thoughts in mind, I looked around for these things that would be needed for me to be able to indulge myself in my psuedo-artistic expressions once again. Finding the supplies to total much more than what I had on hand, I remembered the 14 hours' overtime that would be on my next paycheck. Yeah, now I've got something to look forward to with that.

Done with my browsing, I went and picked up the milkshake I wanted (Cookies and Cream, yummay!) and found a 3 Musketeers bar in the candy aisle, paid, and exited the store. By this time the police had gone, and I figured I likely had missed the bus one way or another, or the wait would bore me to death if I hadn't, so I resigned myself to walking. This is what turned my morning totally around.

You see, when you walk to and from places, or even take your bike, instead of just going in a car or a bus (or anything capable of exceeding 20 MPH with just the touch of a pedal or button or twist of a handle), you notice things that you wouldn't otherwise. The whole world just kinda slows down so you can experience more of it if you want to.

The first thing I noticed was that I started smelling things. On my way past a school, I smelled a perfume (likely not even coming from the school at this time) that reminded me of how someone smelled one time on a first day back at school. Back when the first day of school, although marking the first day of the more tormentuous portion of the year, was still a day of freshness, a day marking a new start. A day to see friends not seen in the past few months.

Working my way through a neighborhood, I smelled the water coming from the sprinklers in a lawn across the street. This smell was particularly amplified by the humidity of an atmosphere soon to have a rainstorm. (Which, surprisingly, hasn't happened yet - It's been about two hours now.) This reminded me of how cool the day actually was, being overcast as it was, instead of being clear-skied with the sun blazing overhead. It also reminded me of carefree days playing in sprinklers in our yard, or in a neighbor's pool. Sometimes to live in the past for a moment is just bliss.

A couple blocks later, I noticed the smell of a freshly-cut lawn. Although I remembered how my own yard needed mowing, the thought more prominently in my mind at the moment was of days when mowing that yard was the worst of my dreads and concerns, yet this was the perfect weather to have been doing it in. Just before a storm, when the air is cool and there's a slight breese now and then to enjoy. Okay, so the air today was rather stagnant, but a breeze could be imagined.

The second thing I found myself noticing more than I would in a car, was the things that I heard. One that particularly stands out in my mind was the sound of wind chimes coming from someone's front porch. Not only was I able to hear this sound once, but I was able to enjoy it for probaly three minutes or so, before I walked out of range of it. Birds singing along the way were also nice.

Another thing that happens when you take a walk is you meet people. They may or may not end up being of much significance in your life or your day, but they are interesting to meet nonetheless. Today's person was a landscaper working on a yard across the road from where I was walking. His truck and trailer were parked on the side of the road I was on, and I greeted him as he came across the street to pick up a leaf-blower. I commented on the nice weather, to which he responded "It almost makes you want to work, eh?". I told him I was actually just getting off, and smiled when he said "Then it makes you want to enjoy the rest of the day, doesn't it?".

So, I started the morning thinking this was the worst way to end the day, when in fact there was not really any other way that would have been more appropriate. As my life begins to slow down for a couple days, after nearly two long weeks of work, so do I get to experience the feeling of life in general at a slower speed than normal. A speed that's enjoyable rather than effecient. A relaxing speed, with the feeling that you've got all the time in the world to spend just sucking in the universe around you in all its goodness. Sure there's the not-so-nice parts, like a beer can halfway lost among overgrown bushes on a less-than-cared-for piece of land off the side of the road, but all of it has some life to it, and it is all - for better or worse - God's creation, and it all belongs to Him who loves the world.

For a related post, follow this link to another blog, which I commented on earlier last month. It's the same I referenced in another post, so if you already looked you might want to save yourself some reading and skip it.

Tonight, as usual, is The Living Room. After that, I may post again if I have the energy. There's still so much to report about the past few days, but I just wanted to dedicate this post to my experience today of life at a different pace. You should try it sometime. If you've only got a few miles to go, try walking/biking to work, or school, or some other location you'll be going to. Keep your senses keen, and be aware of the world around you. You'll be amazed by some of the things you see, even if it is everyday stuff. When you have the time to see those kinds of things, and the time to think about them as you go along, great stuff just comes to mind that you would never think of otherwise. It sounds funny in those words, I know, but I can't think of any clearer way to put it. You really have to experience the feeling yourself to understand.

- Iszi

Song of the Moment: Jaci Velasquez - Every Time I Fall

Wearing Down

2004-07-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

Good morning, Readers.

I really hate to bitch about work on this blog, but my body doesn't feel in the mood for much else right now, so bear with me please. Last night, BL made it to work although apparently still in much pain. The bruise from her injury has spread rather extensively, yet she still came in. I guess she can't afford to take too much time off, and at the same time also doesn't want to cause any more headaches for our store manager, (by leaving us a person short on third shift) who already has enough on her own plate to start with.

So, since she was coming in on an injury that she should probably be staying home with, BL's shift was short and with few assignments. Which meant that I had to pick up the slack, and do it with less time available away from the register. I don't really mean to complain about the fact that the duties were un-balanced for the night, because I completely understand why they were the way they were, and honestly wouldn't like to have had it any other way, for BL's sake. But still, that didn't make it any easier for me to get my job done.

Furthermore, the vault (big walk-in cooler with all the drinks, remember?) looked like absolute hell when I walked in. Personally, I feel that it's because I haven't had to do the vault in the past four nights. When I do the vault, I spend a lot of time making sure the back end (anything that's not in the window shelves) stays organized, as I work to get the window shelves stocked. On a typical work week, Sunday nights are the absolute easiest nights when it comes to getting stuff done in the vault because I've already had two days (Friday and Saturday - sometimes I get Thursdays off, and usually if I do work them I'm not in the vault) to get things straightened up in the back end, and there's been no vendors coming in except the nightly dairy delivery, which we handle ourselves anyway. Wednesday nights, by comparison, are usually the roughest nights because a.) Between Sunday and Monday nights, every vendor that delivers into the vault has come in, including our twice-a-week merchandise delivery truck. and b.) Upon closer observation, it would seem that the person who covers the vault on my nights off doesn't spend any time at all worrying about keeping the back end is straightened and organized. (Even though they've had a whole night to clean up after the delivery nights before I have to see it.)

So, although I've greatly enjoyed having a break from the vault since SS (yeah, that's our other third-shift lady) has come back, I was absolutely pissed when I walked in last night to see it the way it was, especially with not much time to work on it, after having to already take care of more than my usual share of the workload. The sad part is, the organizational issues that need taking care of are simple do-as-you-go things, as long as they're done on a steady, regular basis. When you ignore them for nights on end is when they become daunting extra-hour long tasks to fix. Not to mention some of the issues can result in out-right safety hazards.

On top of that, the extra stretch of my work week didn't make things feel any better last night. My back has started to become sore in ways, and at rates, that I shouldn't be feeling at this age. Some nights (particularly after walking into the vault to see it as it was last night) it's all I can do to not just say "Screw this, I'm going home.".

Now I wonder, does the typical pastor ever have these thoughts? Was he ever in a job like this, where he had to fight with himself to keep going, and keep a positive attitude? I would guess that in one way or another, the answer is likely yes. I mean, all of us are human, right? And not all pastors have been in pastoral service all their life. Even if they "always" knew they were headed in that direction, some of them probably had to do something in the "dead-end job" category at some point, likely so they could fund their way through the necessary schooling. So, how do they deal with this flesh vs. Spirit battle?

That's what this boils down to, I think. Just like any forbidden lustful desire, this is a flesh vs. Spirit battle. During this harsh time at work, my flesh keeps telling me: "You've worked ten days straight for this lady here, and now you're having to pick up a good bit of her workload, while your own workload is being unfairly inflated to begin with by other people's laziness, so by golly you have every right to bitch, moan, and whine as freely and liberally as you want!" And at the same time my Spirit keeps trying to say "You're doing this to help a friend in need, and as a follower and imitator of Christ, you should do this gladly and without complaint. In this way, you will '...Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.'"

A reminder of this actually came Monday morning when, after having dropped me off at home, BL referred to my works (having offered to cover her Monday-Tuesday shifts, and then later her Wednesday-Thursday shifts, so she could rest) as "The most Christian thing [I] could do." Inside, this made me feel happier than I could ever have imagined, yet my flesh was saying in my ear "Yeah, yeah, let's just get this week over with quick.". The quarrel between the two left me regrettably unable to respond, aside from just to smile and wave goodbye. Honestly, whenever BL or my manager tells me "thank you" for doing something of this nature, instead of saying "you're welcome" (which would only be polite and proper), I end up just giving a half-smile and re-directing the conversation to another topic.

So, why is it that there must be such a flesh/Spirit battle over even such a small thing as saying "you're welcome"? How do people overcome this in their lives? Especially in such demanding and abusive jobs as these? It's funny how you can sometimes be dulled to the harshness of your own job, and at other times see it so clearly. One particular night it was brought to clear light in my eyes when a local County Corrections Officer said to me "I hold you in high respect, working this shift here... you work a more dangerous job than I do!". How, in a job such as this, can anyone keep a Christian attitude without feeling like they're faking it?

Strangely enough, it now comes to mind that they aren't really faking it, they're just taking control of themselves and making a clear choice which part of themselves they're going to listen to. I have had several nights lately where I feel the joy of the Lord in my heart, yet my flesh constantly dominates and drowns that joy out with physical fatigue and mental anguish over the demands of my job. So, with your body being the vessel through which all worldly tasks are done, and through which you communicate to others, how can the Spirit prevail? The body is constantly fighting against the desires of the Spirit by not wanting to do anything at all, by wanting to be lazy and to complain about its aches and pains because it is the part of you that does all the work, and all the Spirit does is sit back and try to tell you what is right to do, and what you should be doing with your body.

It's like trying to fight the auto-pilot on an airplane. The airplane wants to do whatever it wants to do. The airplane's intent is for its survival and success. But ground control wants you to make the airplane do something different, although their intent is also for the airplane's survival and success, just in a better way. No matter which of the two you listen to, the airplane will still survive and be successful. To follow what the airplane wants to do, you just sit back, relax, and let the airplane do its thing. To make the airplane do what ground control wants it to do, you have to grab the stick and pay attention to the airplane's attempts to veer off the course ground control wants it to take. If you let go of the controls for one minute, the airplane will take back over and get back to doing its own thing again. You take control for awhile, getting the airplane to do what ground control wants you to have it do, but after a point it becomes tiresome to keep countering the airplane's re-directions, and it's just easier to let the airplane do its own thing, since it will still survive and be successful anyway.

So, what propels us to keep control over this airplane of ours? What is there that can keep us from just deciding to let go and let the airplane fly itself?

I'd better go. I'm beginning to ramble on, and on top of that the B on my keyboard is sticking suddenly. It's amazing how annoying the malfunction of one key on your keyboard, no matter how little it is used, can quickly become an annoyance. It's also kind of weird how, all of a sudden, every word seems to need that letter now even though I haven't used it in the past 29 words, or 163 characters. (If you're actually counting behind me, you must be more bored than I want to imagine.)

So, until next time, provided my keyboard doesn't completely give out on me, I'll cy'allz l8r.

- Iszi

Song of the moment: Delirious? - Deeper

Things Lining Up... Sort Of.

2004-07-16T12:36:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, last night has to have been the smoothest Thursday night I've had in awhile. As a matter of fact, this whole week has felt pretty smooth at work, despite the complications that have arisen. BL isn't feeling much better at all. In fact, she's looking worse.

My five-day work-week started last Wednesday, after having had Monday and Tuesday off that week. BL got hurt on Thursday, but was able to (barely) work her shifts Friday-Sunday, until our other full-time third-shifter came back from vacation. Sunday night, I told her I'd work Monday-Tuesday for her (which I originally had off, as my weekly requested-off days), for which she was going to exchange her Wednesday-Thursday nights off. So, a couple hours after coming home Wednesday morning, and deciding to sit down and catch up on some things (namely this blog and my Bible reading) since I should have had the next two nights off with no other plans, I got a call from work. It was BL calling to tell me that her doctors wanted her off until the 18th, but she thought she'd be fine with just two more days. They'd already tried finding someone else to cover, but it turned out I was the only one available and willing to work. So, I worked Wednesday and Thursday night, looking forward to Monday-Tuesday off.

Last night, the schedule came up and it turns out I've got Tuesday-Wednesday instead, so BL can stay off the truck nights - essentially, she's got light-duty shifts and hours this week. This is not to say that I have anything against her having light-duty, but the week is starting to feel long, and one more day added to it really doesn't much appeal to my body at the moment. Then, BL came in to pick up her paycheck, and she looked 100% worse than the last time I'd seen her. Considering that the last time I'd seen her was after her having worked 3 days on a serious injury, and this time was after her having been off and (supposedly) able to rest for 4 days, I was expecting to see her feeling a lot better. Honestly, though, if she comes in tonight looking like she did last night, I'd probably have to seriously talk to her about finding someone else to cover the shift. Granted I'm not a manager or anything, to be in position to tell her to do this, but I don't think I'd be comfortable just letting her work like that without saying anything about it at all.

As I said though, taking away the stress of an over-lengthened work-week (although I shouldn't complain much, as my manager is having to work 7 days most weeks, 12+ hours a day, since she has no Assistant), this past week since Sunday has been pretty smooth. Also, some other things are starting to line up pretty nicely in terms of scheduling of future events, particularly some that would be recurring on a weekly basis.

First example: There is a Men's Encounter coming up at the end of the month. A friend of mine from cell group (hereafter referred to as JF), had offered to help me cover the expenses when the Encounter was first announced, and at the time I thanked him, but told him I probably wouldn't be going for one reason or another. Then this past Sunday put a new spin on things, as I mentioned in yesterday's post. I knew, after my first Encounter, that I would want to go on another one at some time in the future, but I didn't have much real motivation to go (particularly with someone else paying) until I got my calling from God so obviously confirmed on Sunday. This has left me with so many open questions about my future, and has revealed to me how important it is that I begin some more serious work on developing my relationship with God, so now I actually have a purpose for going to meet - and devote some solid quiet time - with God on an Encounter.

So, now I have a purpose, and the funds and transportation offered, but do I have the time? Encounters are on a Friday-Saturday-Sunday schedule. Last time I was able to go because we had some part-time third-shift people at work that could cover. But now we're running on (including myself) just three full-timers, one of which has a standing Friday-Saturday request off (and the 15 years' seniority to back it up) because of her son's Little League games. Just talked to her last night though, and it turns out that their last (expected) game weekend is the weekend before the Encounter weekend. Now, how to get the third day off without compromising on my paycheck? Turns out that the last time I'd taken vacation days, when I was turning them all in, my employer only put in for two, leaving me one left out of my three that I had. With the way that week lined up, it didn't have much of an effect financially, so I just left the extra day in the bank, and had all but forgotten about it.

Another thing that's lining up now is the Post-Encounter classes. After an Encounter, there are (optional) follow up lessons once a week for 10 weeks, altogether called a Post-Encounter. After my first Encounter, these were being held on Sundays at 0930. (That way, a person going to Post-Encounter who might be in the choir could still go while keeping up with praise and worship for first and second services.) This didn't quite swing well with me since, at the time, I was still trying to get over the straight-from-work-to-church molehill as it was. Then, Post-Encounters got re-scheduled to Wednesday nights, which completely did not match with my schedule at all. However, today I had a short chat with Pastor Rob as he is coming back into town, and he mentioned that Post-Encounters are going to be moved now to Tuesdays at 1800, which fit in perfectly just before TLR.

Also, since I've gotten this renewed fire in my Spirit, I've started to consider attending our church's School of Leaders classes. Again, however, a Wednesday-night schedule doesn't sit well with me or the rest of my week's schedule. This past Tuesday, though, an announcement was made about a new School of Leaders being started up by Pastor Rob, on Sunday mornings at the same time Post-Encounters used to be. Now that I've gotten myself more in the groove of getting to church on Sundays, and earlier, this seems more a possibility.

I know it seems egotistical for one to think that so many events that also would affect so many other people are particularly lining up to one person's schedule so nicely just for them, but it does at the very least seem to be a positive sign, doesn't it? I guess we'll just have to wait and see as time flows on and these things actually come to pass. It's just amazing to me though, how it appears God is beginning to work now that I have begun to believe and accept the calling he has given me.

Now, the next question in my mind burns: How can I live up to a calling in a career field that is almost entirely opposite of what my own strengths and interests have been in this life until now? But I will leave that for a later post. Now, it's bedtime.

Good night, erm, afternoon, uhh... whatever you call it.

- Iszi

Song of the moment: Third Day - Take My Life

Starting Over

2004-07-15T09:06:00.000-04:00

Greetings Readers!

Wow... It's been awhile, eh? Got a lot to catch up on in this here journal of mine. First step to catching up, of course, is starting from where you left off. So, last I posted, I was a little behind on my Bible reading, right? Well, my laziness seems to have gotten the better of me again, and add to that the fact that a dozen chapters of the Bible to catch up on in short order kinda had me feeling very much overwhelmed to start, I found myself just slacking until I was behind a total of 5 days. Only reason it's capped there is because I hadn't laid out the schedule any further in MS Outlook yet. So, that's a grand total of about 20 chapters to catch up on. Sounds like time for a new plan to me. I think I'll try just re-scheduling all my missed readings to be done one at a time in the days ahead of me now, instead of catching up on days behind. Pretty much just going to pick up from where I left off, and reschedule accordingly. Might also consider leaving Sundays out of the reading schedule entirely this time.

So, with that out of my way now (I'll do today's reading later, and maybe post on it if something particular comes.), let's update on the rest of the... what, almost a week now? Last post was last Monday, before cell group, so I'll take it from there. In case you don't have much time, I'll warn you that that's a long way to go, as a lot has been going on in my life this past week.

Monday in cell, we met a little early at our group leader's house (as usual) to find him mowing the lawn. After he wrapped up the section he was working on (just in time for the meeting), we sat in his backyard (not usual - we usually meet inside in the nursery) and ate popsicles while we went over some scripture in reference to Elijah and Obadiah. (That having been a week ago, I don't quite recall the full details of the pertinency of the scripture, but feel free to look up anything on the topic yourself.) After that, we started a project called the Prayer of Three. Essentially, the Prayer of Three is a project that involves us asking God for help to better connect with three people that we already know in our lives, with the end goal of eventually inviting them to come to church, and hopefully seeing them accept their salvation through Jesus Christ, and come to beter know God. Since my prayer life has never been very much active, and I've always had some sense of apprehension towards prayer, this wasn't exactly a project I was looking forward to. Although I do know some people whom I would very much like to see come to Christ, the whole "praying" part of it (which is the core of the Prayer of Three project) kinda has me shying away from it, even though I know I shouldn't.

Our group actually started the Prayer of Three assignment the week before. The first part of the assignment (each part is given a week's devotion) was just to pray for three people to come to mind, that would be our Three to pray for. To be honest, I didn't really do this part at all. I had one guy definitely in mind, whom I'd been trying to get to come to TLR for awhile. He's a regular customer at my store, and has just been royally screwing up his life lately. I see in him the potential to become a great man, but he has a lot of straightening up to do first, and the only way that can happen is through Christ. So, that was one down. When it came time to list our Three on Monday, the next person that I could come up with was our Coca-Cola delivery guy, whose name just begs me to ask if he has Christian background. The third one I thought of is my brother who is currently in schooling through the USMC, and has virtually ex-communicated a majority of our family for various childish reasons. So, that day we prayed and agreed with each other for open doors so that we could make a connection to better know or better communicate with our Three. (Which was the second week's assignment.) After that, we pretty much wrapped things up and left. I don't recall what I did for the rest of the night, but knowing me it likely wasn't much productive towards any goal, except probably sleep.

Tuesday, as usual, was TLR. Setup for that week's service was also Tuesday. (Sometimes it's done on Monday.) So, I got there plenty early enough to help out with that, and do a little extra cleaning on some of the glass tables and such. (One in particular had a horrid amount of candle wax dried and stuck to it that took a good bit to get completely clear.) I don't really recall much of Pastor Rob's sermon because, well there wasn't much of a sermon really. Seems that in the middle of preparing for his message, his computer crashed on him and refused to come back up. Fortunately, we had another guest musician who helped cover the empty time, and gave a little message of his own in between songs, vaguely regarding the difference between "secular" and "sin", a topic I may discuss in more detail another time. After TLR, I met with a guy I knew by acquaintance in the church (Whom I will refer to as CD, hereon.) who'd expressed interest in taking some time for us to better know each other. After talking for awhile and sharing our stories with each other, I had mentioned my concern regarding my prayer life, which he in turn offered to help me work on. From there, I think I just went home and to bed, as it had come to be past 2 AM.

Wednesday and Thursday were rough working. One of the other full-time third-shift workers at my store was on vacation, so my co-worker for the night was one who didn't have much third-shift experience at all. And, on top of that, Thursday was a truck night. Never fun. Also, the other full-time third-shift lady (that wasn't on vacation, hereafter referred to as BL) came in to visit. I had invited her once in the past to our church's Senior's service (called Forever Young), which is on Thursday afternoons, and she was planning on going that day. However, during the day, she'd had a slip and fall accident at a local McDonald's, and seriously injured her hip. So, she had just gotten out of the hospital, and was stopping by on her way home to let me know, since she'd said she'd stop in (with the original intent) to tell me how the service went.

Friday and Saturday, BL came to work although she was in a good bit of pain. Sunday night she came just short of calling off work. I told her that, if it would help her feel better, I'd work Monday/Tuesday for her. She thanked me for it greatly, and when our manager came in for the morning, she swapped our days off. (BL had had Wednesday/Thursday off, so that's what I now had.)

Also on Sunday, of course, was church. This week's service totally rocked my world into a different orbit. First off, Pastor Alex was out of town this week, so Pastor Rob covered the sermon. His message was entitled "Just be...", and covered three major mandates given to the church in the Bible: "Just go", "Stay connected", and "Just be". Essentially the message pointed out various commandments that were given to the Disciples, that many Christians mis-interpret to not include them. I could elaborate more, but the message that day isn't really what I'm here to talk about. What I do want to talk about is what happened after Pastor Rob's message that morning, and after the altar call. It involves what I mentioned in an earlier post, regarding my possible call to be a preacher. But first I'll give a bit of background information...

Until this past Sunday, I never really knew I was being called to preach, but God has been giving me hints here and there that, until now, I've all but dismissed as random wanderings of the mind, or strange coincidence. The first came probably a month or so after I started going to ChurchInTheSon, sometime not long after I'd gone to an Encounter, and found myself truly fired up for God. This first hint of my calling came to me in a dream. I do not remember all the details fully, but what I do remember is being at church, at night, and sitting in the sound booth, when Pastor Rob came to talk to me from the other side of the wall. I can only assume it was a Tuesday night, with me being at the computer making sure the PowerPoint presentation was ready for that night's Praise and Worship in The Living Room. So, while I was checking out the presentation, Pastor Rob came to me and told me he wanted me to preach tonight. Of course, I had a hard time believing what I was hearing, but he said "I'll handle the music like usual, but I want you to do the message tonight." and then he walked away. While I was sitting there in this dream, trying to take in what I'd just heard, a scripture came to me. The words of the passage didn't come to me; just the passage reference: Romans 3:13-15. In my dream, I was still quite confused by everything: This strange request by my Pastor, and this odd scripture that was in my mind, that I did not know. And it was around this time that I awoke. Either that, or the rest of the dream just did not stay with me in waking.

I looked up the verses that day, and still found myself confused since I could not see the significance in just those three verses. Looking at them again now, however, I do see more meaning particularly when taken in context with the full chapter. But I'll write more on that at a later date, when I've had more time to study it.

So, that was my first hint. The second came when my "Yee-haw sermon" started coming to my mind, almost out of nowhere. I actually didn't think much of this one in context of me being called to preach until one day, in conversation with a neighbor, my wife made reference to my dream and the "sermon" together. That got me started into thinking about it again for a bit, but after awhile I just shook it off again.

Another hint came on another Tuesday. It was mid-afternoon, and I was going to The Living Room that night, and was making some calls to some people I knew who might be interested in going also. One of those calls was to my ex-girlfriend, whom I've been able to keep in touch with off and on for awhile. We started talking about how things were going, and if she'd been to church lately and stuff. Turns out that she hadn't gone to church for awhile, since the church her and her current boyfriend were going to started treating them badly, or something to that effect. So, she'd been checking out some other churches, like the one that was affiliated with the pre-school I'd grown up in. But she was only checking them out from a distance, looking at the websites and asking people she knew about them. She'd never really gone to one of the prospective churches, nor had her boyfriend. So, naturally, I invited her to TLR that night. She was apprehensive and started asking about what our church believed in and such. Also, she mentioned that she really wanted to wait on her boyfriend to go with her, which turned out to be her root excuse for not having gone to any of the other churches she was checking out. Supposedly, he'd been wanting to go to church just as she has, but one thing or another had been holding him back. I recounted how, had my wife continued to let my reluctance keep her from going to the church we were in now, we never would have gone and both of us would never have started to grow as much as we have in our relationship with God. Altogether the discussion over beliefs and excuses took about two hours or so, until I finally had to hang up and get out the door, or otherwise risk being horridly late. And the entire time, I felt on fire as if the words were just pouring out of my mouth and heart, almost out of my control. I felt as if I had just finished preaching a sermon to a one-person audience, and I usually don't like "preaching" about anything to anyone.

Then, almost a month ago now, I started writing this blog. After the introductory posts, having found myself exhausted of any material that may be of interest, I decided to actually look up reference and put together this "Yee-haw sermon" that had only been a small collection of related thoughts and inspirations, up until that point. And it ended up being a lot longer, with more fire behind it, than I'd ever imagined. Okay, so it may not be my longest post-to-date (especially after this one, I'm sure), but it felt long and I'm sure it would have been longer if I'd let it.

In another post, I decided to just post what came to me from my Bible reading, as assigned by my cell group leader. The passage of reference was 1 Peter, Chapter 4, and the post itself ended up a lot longer than originally intended. In fact, I think I particularly recall forcing myself to cut it a little short. Again, it was as if I'd just been preaching a sermon that came almost as if from nowhere.

On another Tuesday night, during praise and worship at TLR, Pastor Rob just spontaneously called for the audience to shout "yee-haw"! Later, I asked him why he'd done it particulary, and he said he was just being silly, but the possible significance of it still hung in my mind.

During this time, I've also started to get the feeling that I need to get moving on from the rut that I'm in with the job I'm in. Of course, I've always known that the convenience store business wasn't going to be my end-goal career for life, but I've been kinda just sitting on it for now, as just being enough to live on. I mentioned this to one of my friends from cell group who suggested, among other things, that I perhaps ask Jim if he knows of any jobs with the church that I might qualify for. Jim is the Technical Director of our church. One of his many duties is managing the sound board for church services, which includes The Living Room. So, I get to see him every week on Tuesdays, and of course he would be a good person for me to talk to in regards to job opportunites at the church, since my life's career goal (until now) has been in the computer field.

So, with the thought of a job at church in mind, I also started to think more of what I want to get out of my next job, aside from just a paycheck or some credentials in a field. One of the things that came to mind was more time to devote to church activities. So, of course, what better way to get that time than to work at the church? Unfortunately, when I asked Jim, there weren't any positions that needed filling. But the thought still stayed in my mind.

And now we come to Sunday, when absolute confirmation came during church service. After praise and worship, before Pastor Rob's message, there were some people who had wanted to be baptised. Among these was my wife's cell group leader, Crystal. Of course, Crystal has been a believer for quite some time, but she apparently felt that she needed to be baptised again as a renewal of her commitment and cleansing through Christ. Somewhat akin to a married couple's decision to a renewal of vows after some time. This reminded me of my own subtle desire to be re-baptised, since I have had this recent renewal of spirit in God. I had also been considering that, should these little hints towards my destiny in pastoral service become something more serious that I would commit to, then I would definitely want a re-baptism to signify my own re-commitment to God's service.

Then, throughout Pastor Rob's message, there were some references to people being called to ministry, although that was did not quite seem to be the real focus of his message. Somehow, I just felt these particular words speaking to me in a way I've never heard anything speaking to me before. Towards the end of the message I started to make the connection, but still wasn't feeling sure. I thought "God, if he says something about pastors or ministry that I feel speaking to me one more time, then I'll know it's from You, and this is what You want.". I was asking for an un-deniable sign from God, one that I could not just shrug off, to convince me that I was absolutely being called to full-time ministry service.

Then came the altar call, where any non-believers in the congregation are asked if they wish to accept Jesus into their life. So, I was thinking "Okay, this is the end of the service. I guess I was wrong, or God's calling me in a different way.". But instead of the usual call to the lost, Pastor Rob added mention of those who need to re-commit themselves to God in a greater way. This touched me slightly, but I half-shrugged it off and just waited for the call to end. It did, and those who had answered the call were escorted out to another room where some of the church leaders would pray with them and talk with them about the significance of their decision and new direction in life. But that wasn't all. After the alter was clear, Pastor Rob made another call. This time, it wasn't to the lost. It was to people who were being called into ministry, who needed someone to pray and agree with them for a fresh annointing from God. That was it. I couldn't deny it any longer, I couldn't just shrug it off, and there was no way I would have been able to walk away and say that that second call didn't mean anything to me. So I, among others, went up to the altar. After awhile there, one of the church leaders made their way around to me, laid hands on me and prayed over me. Awhile later, Pastor Rob also came and prayed over me and another person next to me.

Afterwards, I felt moved to just kneel down and pray. Something I can't recall ever doing before. For that matter, I don't ever recall answering an altar call before. I'd always figured that I knew Christ and had accepted my salvation, so there was no reason for me to go up to the altar. So, having answered an altar call for the first time, I knelt in prayer for the first time. Yeah, I'd prayed before in my life. But it was usually something prompted by group activity such as grace at the table, or the Prayer of Three in cell group, or something of that nature. And it was usually either standing or sitting. I can't recall ever kneeling down to pray, let alone of my own initiative.

After all this, I still had a hard time believing (although now I knew) what was happening, and I did not have a clue where I should go or what I should do now that I do know what I'm here for. After going home and grabbing a bit of sleep, it was time for work again. This was the night I offered to cover BL's Monday/Tuesday shifts. Also, throughout the night, I talked to her about the church service, and what had happened. She responded that she'd known I was called to be a pastor for awhile. I did a double-take. One of those "You-knew-this-already-and-you-didn't-tell-me?" double-takes. What I really asked was "When did you know this?". Her response was "About a month ago, when you started trying to grow your beard.". (I've had a moustache and goatee for awhile, and had been wondering what a full beard would look like, but it never quite came in full enough to be a decent beard.) I found it strange that she should relate her knowledge of my calling to something as relatively insignificant as me trying to grow a beard, but made no mention of it at the time. Now, however, there was absolutely no way I could deny what God was trying to tell me.

The only question now is... how?

How is my life supposed to be so strongly connected to ministry? Is it to be among a specific age or interest group that I can relate to, like 20-somethings or computer gamers? Or am I to grow to become head pastor over a church some day? Is my ministry supposed to be in a local area in the USA, or somewhere else in the world? Will I have one home church, or will it become a worldwide movement that sends me fully around the globe a few times a year?

How am I supposed to get into the ministry? How can I go from the convenience store clerk that I am now, to the pastor and minister that God wants me to be? How can I endure or even afford the amount of schooling that will likely be necessary? How am I supposed to get out of this rut of a job that I'm in, and into one that will be better conducive to my growth in the direction God has for me?

These questions and more, as well as just the calling itself, have me totally blown away. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for me. And keep praying and studying. So, I'm starting over on some things. This blog, for instance. I've fallen way behind and slacked off making on my entries. I'm going to start writing daily again, except probably on Sundays, as previously mentioned. Also, when I (should, finally) get a day off again on Monday, I'm going to start again from where I left off with my Bible reading plan. Meanwhile, I need to rest enough to be able to last through this 12-day work stretch I'm on. What I can do during that time, though, is start over again on my prayer life. CD hasn't been quite keeping up with me much lately, as he's had a bit of a busy time himself, but maybe that's just another sign that this is something I need to try to work on as much as possible without help from anyone, short of God. I'll also be reading and meditating on 1 Kings, Chapters 3 and 4, which are the reading assignment this week for cell group. I'll probably post more on that later in the week, as well as Romans, Chapter 3.

That's all for now. More to come as life goes on.

- Iszi

Song of the moment: Skillet - Locked in a Cage

Still Here

2004-07-14T10:37:00.000-04:00

Good Morning, Readers.

I'm still here, and I have a post in the works to catch up on the past week or so of missed posts. However, I just received a phone call that cancelled my nights off for this week (was going to be off tonight and tomorrow - will elaborate when the post-in-progress is up), and I've been up and going since 1830 yesterday, and worked the past 7 days with no off-day so far, so it's time to grab up a major emergency supply of Z's.

I'll have to catch up on this later, I guess.

- Iszi

Catching Up

2004-07-08T11:39:00.000-04:00

Greatings, Readers.

Combine a pretty busy start to the week (for those whose schedules are actually affected by the "Sunday-Saturday" week) with a natural tendancy towards laziness (which I'm trying to work on, among other things), and what do you get? A guy (me, duh) who's WAY behind (only a couple days, but that's about 12 chapters!) on his Bible study, and consequently hasn't updated his blog in awhile.

I'm still trying to catch up on the reading, but I think it's going to be a good couple days of cramming before I'm back up to schedule. I'll start putting more posts with actual content up once that's done. (And there is a good bit to catch up on there, too!)

Until then, I'll cy'allz l8r!

- Iszi

Studying

2004-07-05T17:10:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Well, as predicted, I'm busy catching up on yesterday's and today's bible readings together. I thought I'd pop in just to say "Hi, I'm still alive, and Happy belated Independence Day!". More on that later. Right now, I gotta get back to the Book. (Genesis 3-4, Matthew 2, and Proverbs 1 from yesterday, and Genesis 4-5 and Matthew 3 for today.)

By the time I finish my reading, I should probably have just enough time to get ready for tonight's cell group meeting, after which I should be able to come home and make a decent post, catching up on the past two days.

See y'allz then.

- Iszi

Bible Study

2004-07-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

No real huge post today. Yesterday, after picking up my paycheck, I went out to get (among other things) a new Bible, as I had (don't ask me how) lost the 2 that I used to have. (One was an NIV Student Bible - Link is to Revised edition, I had an earlier one - and the other was just a plain old, run-of-the-mill, raw NIV Bible I'd had for awhile - which, of course, I just found again today.) The new one I got, coming highly reccommended by my wife, my brother, and the girl at the Family Christian Store that we went to, is an NIV Study Bible. Here's a direct link to the enlarged picture so you can see the lovely blue hardcover. (For those who don't know, I like blue. A lot. I just can't help it. But it has nothing to do with why I chose this Bible... honest! Just icing on the cake... yeah, that's it.) ;-)

So, along with (finally) getting a new Bible to read out of, I decided to start a Reading Plan to actually get myself into it more. Strangely enough, however, this Study Bible didn't come with any Reading Plan included. So, I spent a little time on Google looking around for one that I could follow online. Finally, I've landed on one put together by Victory Christian Center, that matches what I'm looking for. (Read through the Bible in a year, not entirely linear, a bit of Old Testament and New Testament every day, with regular doses of Psalms and Proverbs along the way, rarely breaking chapters apart. Here's the direct link (PDF format) to the study plan itself.

After finding that, I went ahead and did my reading for today. (Matthew 1, Genesis 1-2, and Psalms 1) And now, that brings me pretty close to bedtime. I'm hoping this reading plan won't be so prohibitively time-consuming as to keep me from maintaining this blog the way I originally intended, but if that be the case, then I guess I do have to weigh priorities. :-( I'll keep y'allz posted on that for sure.

Also, a reminder: Don't expect much if anything new up here tomorrow. It is Sunday, and I'll be lucky enough to have energy to check my e-mail, let alone do any blogging after church. (As a matter of fact, I might end up doing double-readings on Mondays, to catch up from Sundays, on a regular basis.)

So, to quote the great Porky Pig... That's all, folks!

See ya next time.

- Iszi

Song of the moment: FFH - Found a Place

Oops!

2004-07-02T11:04:00.000-04:00

Well, it looks like Wednesday/Thursday's post didn't happen. For some reason I just found myself overwhelmingly tired after making the post ahead of this one and had to surrender to sleep. I will get around to the post I was originally intending on making, but right now it's kinda hard to concentrate on posting the way I want to, when there's an actively cute baby in the crib next to me. I'll get to it sometime, though.

- Iszi

Here Goes My Horn... toot

2004-07-01T10:55:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers

Just a few belated notes of minor interest:

The post before this one was number 10! Yeah, just a teeny little milestone, but I find it cause for minor celebration because I'm just that easily amused by some small things like that sometimes. So, there was post 10, woohoo! Also, it is probably my most openly introspective post yet, which I'm somewhat proud of. That, coupled with the few Bible-study posts before it shows that, while I am sometimes distracted, I'm still taking this in the direction I'd originally set out for it to go. I hope to see myself posting more like that in the future.

Also, an interesting thing happened to me Tuesday night, that I didn't get around to mentioning in my post. After TLR that night, I got to go hang out with some of my friends from church. My wife had gone home, because she was starting to worry about the weather (typical Central Florida thunderstorm, more bark than bite), so I was catching a ride with one of the guys that I help out with set-up and tear-down for TLR. After a couple hours hanging out and enjoying good food, and good friends, at a local Cheesecake Factory, my ride had a couple hours scheduled in our church's 24-7 Prayer room, and asked if anyone wanted to join him. I figured since I was getting a ride from him, and didn't have much better to do with my time anyway (Midnight to 2 in the morning - like nothing for a full-time third shifter, right?), I'd go along. While in there, I looked around at some of the writings on the walls, and in the Prayer Journal. Then, one in particular caught my eye. A paper stuck to an obscure corner wall behind a light, quoted a Bible passage I recognized, but did not list its reference. After a moment, I realized "Hey, that's in 1 Peter, Chapter 4!". After a few minutes' flipping through the Prayer Room's Bible (Had a hard time finding 1 Peter to start with. - Really should work on that.) I found that that specific quote was Verse 8: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." With this in mind, I found the closest marker (happened to be red), underlined the quote on the paper, and listed the verse to the side of it.

I just felt so proud of myself that I actually recognized and could identify a Bible verse that wasn't John 3:16! Sure, it's another really small thing to some, but it feels like a big accomplishment to me. I mean, you could come up to me and quote some scripture without saying what it was and I could probably tell you, "Yeah, I think I read that somewhere in the Bible." or maybe if I'm lucky, "I think it's somewhere in the Old (or New) Testament, maybe in (name of a book of the Bible)." And that would have to be something akin to Genesis 1:1, which I can definitely narrow to verse, or The Ten Commandments, which I could (up until yesterday, when I looked) only tell you are somewhere in Exodus. (Chapter 20, Verses 2-17 to be exact, now.) So, for me to recognize a reasonably un-famous Bible verse, and be able to narrow it down to the chapter, is kinda big. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Gives me another reason to keep reading.

Anyhow, that's all I really wanted to say in this post. Hopefully this will make up for not having a real "Wednesday" post, or even one close to it (by the daydweller's clock). Coming up next though is going to be my actual "Wednesday" post, since to me (who has not gone to sleep yet since Wednesday on the calendar) the day hasn't changed over. Or maybe I'll just let this be my Wednesday post and the next one be my Thursday post, we'll have to see how the day goes.

- Iszi

Song of the moment: Steven Curtis Chapman - Live Out Loud

Out of My Comfort Zone

2004-06-30T04:40:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Tonight, of course, was Tuesday night. That means one thing for sure, for me: The Living Room (TLR for short, from hereon.). Another thing it means, on occasion (when my wife is in a good mood) is some hangout time with my church buds at some local eating place. So, TLR was great as usual. Had a local band, Ezekiel's Eye come and play a couple of their songs, and a great message delivered by Pastor Rob, whom we haven't seen in awhile. (Aside from leading worship and speaking every week in TLR, he also leads worship every Sunday, but has been gone on other ministry-related business this past week and, albeit his stand-ins all did great in their respective jobs, was missed greatly. We're all glad to see him back again, rockin' on!) To wrap it up tonight, we had about a half hour of "tehila". Tehila, derived from the Hebrew word "Tephellah", is roughly translated as praise and worship. More specifically, un-scripted praise and worship. That is, to worship without a specific song or words in mind, or specific path laid out to follow. Just pure worship from the Spirit inside you, to God.

Rob had our drummer get up and just start beating out whatever came to him, then handed out various small percussive instruments (tambarines, bongos, rattles, etc.) to other church members who started playing, some along with the drummer, some to their own beat. The rest of those gathered just started worshipping and praising in their own Spirit. Some sang, some danced, some prayed. A mike was left open for anyone who wished to use it. Some people were led to scripture by the Spirit, and went to the mike to tell what they were shown. It really was an awesome thing to behold, and to be immersed in.

However, I myself felt out of place. In a sense, that was the intent of the exercise to begin with, so it was only natural, but I felt even more so out of place because this is something I've been struggling with for awhile. When it comes to practicing and exercising my faith, anything that is not really "led" by someone else seems to be a difficult area for me. Yeah, tehila is an unfamiliar concept for most people to start, but it's really the more standard, simpler things that I also have problems getting myself into that really make this bother me, like quiet time, prayer, and Bible study on my own. Now, I could praise and worship God all day and all night, with songs that are familiar to me, but if you take away the script, I'm just lost. I could pray, with all my spirit, the Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), or any prayer that I learned to say at the table as a child in school, but take away the recital and tell me to do it on my own, and I hit a wall. I'll gladly join any Bible study group to learn more about the Word and its meaning, but for me to sit down, just open my Bible and start reading without guidance, I don't know where to start.

Doing this blog has helped me some, but I still feel like there's much more that I should either be doing, or be able to grasp at this point, and it deeply bothers me that I don't. These are some of the most basic and simple, and most prominently recognized concepts and practices in Christianity, and yet I as a born-and-raised Christian just can't seem to get it! Is there something wrong with me, here? Something I'm doing wrong, or not doing right? I feel like I should call to someone for help, yet I worry that because of the nature of the issue itself, should I receive help, I will only be able to progress as long as I have that help, and when I get "pushed off the nest" on to my own again, I might fall flat back onto my face and be back where I started. Yet also I worry that if I don't get any help at all, I may never overcome whatever obstacle this is that is blocking me from leading myself in these exercises which are so vitally important to growing in my relationship with God.

So, now what to do?

- Iszi

Song of the moment: Delirious - Rain Down

Finally Posting

2004-06-29T03:08:00.000-04:00

Good evening, Readers.

Yeah, I know the calendar says Tuesday, but this is really Monday's blog. This is partially due to my natural proclivity towards nocturnalism (Okay, so I woke up probably about 1600-ish), and the fact that I think this world just does not want me to blog for some reason today. First time I went to hit the "New Post" button was probably about 1800, if not a bit earlier. The minute my mouse hit it, the power in our house blinked. (Gotta love Central Florida, lightning capital of the world.) By the time my machine came back up, I was distracted to something else outside, or just jumped into something else online, I forget which.

So, not much later I had to leave for cell group, which lasted about 3 hours instead of the usual 1.5, but I won't complain since it's not like I had anything to really rush back to anyway, and the fellowship with my brothers is always enjoyable. Got home around 2200, hopped online and got myself up to date on all my Massive Assault Network games, as well as the few webcomics I keep up with. (I'll get links for everything in the left side of this page as soon as I figure out how.) Then went and surfed around some other blogs I had noticed on my Dashboard this past week, and bookmarked. (Here's one entry I found interesting today.) Once I'd had my fill of that, not too long ago, I hopped over to my Blogger Dashboard, and hit "New Post" again, and... nothing. At the same time, I noticed all my Trillian connections going dead. Tried a ping to Google, and sure enough came up with nothing.

After a quick call to our ISP, we found that (oops!) the bill had gone 2 days past due, so we'd been cut. Got that took care of, everything back up and going, and no sooner do I start typing my first sentence, than do I hear my daughter start to cry in her crib next to me. Fortunately, it was just one little short whine and she just rolled over and went back to sleep. Close call, though.

So, I'm here now and actually have something to write about, although I'm not sure how much or little it will be just yet. This past week, as part of our cell group's bible study, we were supposed to read 1 Peter, Chapter 4, and we were planning on going over it tonight in our meeting. I didn't quite take the opportunity to read it myself until just before leaving, I looked it up on Bible Gateway. (I'd use a real Bible, but I lost mine somewhere about a month ago, and my wife's is just a bit too "girly". - She's got a Mother's Devotional Bible.) I kinda just blinked through it enough to get the general idea of the passage, so I could be at least somewhat prepared to have comment on it when it came up. At the actual cell group meeting however, various distractions came up and we never quite made it around to the Bible study part of the meeting, although we did discuss other church-related issues. So, I decided to take the opportunity to dive into it on my own tonight and just post anything that comes to mind here. In order to attempt to fully grasp the meaning behind these words, I read it three times through. First time, I read the NIV translation, second time in NLT, and thirdly KJV. So, I may reference any of these three, if I include quotes below.

In the NIV and NLT versions, the Chapter is divided under two headers. The first, Verses 1-11, is headed with the title "Living for God". The second, Verses 12-19, is entitled "Suffering for Being a Christian". The entire Chapter (as with the rest of 1 Peter so far) is essentially speaking about persistence in keeping faith in God, and doing what He has for us to do, despite ridicule or suffering, and in each section I hear two distinctly familiar voices speaking to me.

As I read the first section, I heard the familiar words of my mother, as she would advise me on issues of peer pressure and/or dealing with bullies as I was growing up. An excerpt from Verses 1-4 in the New Living Translation follows:

"... For if you are willing to suffer for Christ, you have decided to stop sinning. And you won't spend the rest of your life chasing after evil desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God. You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy ... Of course, your former friends are very surprised when you no longer join them in the wicked things they do, and they say evil things about you."

These verses remind us that now that we've found our faith in God, and we want to do His work instead of sin and wickedness, our friends who are not believers will be confused, because they do not understand the will of God as we do. They will think there's something wrong with us, since we no longer participate in things with them that we used to enjoy, because it is sin. And, since they think there is something wrong with us, some will find this to be reason to insult us for it, and use those insults to either bring us down, or talk us into joining with them for fear of being further insulted by them. Even people whom we do not consider "former friends" will do this, as we continue to grow in Christ and therefore stand further out in "the crowd". This especially applies to adolescents who are still in school and dealing with the immaturity that many other young adults carry with them. That's one thing I've come to notice, in retrospect. Christian adolescents, in general, seem to have a slightly better air of maturity about them than other people in the same age group who are non-believers and/or were not raised in a Christian home. Why? Because they were either raised on, and/or are currently learning from the Bible, a great deal of which teaches maturity.

This leads us on to Verse 5 (NLT):

"But just remember that they will have to face God, who will judge everyone, both the living and the dead."

Put Verse 5 together with the preceeding Verses, and it essentially tells us the same thing our parents have told us time and time again through our "growing up" years. (I'm sure you all remember those "If everyone else jumped off a bridge" lectures. - Now you know where they got it from, eh?) This reminds us that, while we may be ridiculed for not "joining the crowd", we should remain strong in our position because if we were to just follow the peer pressure, then not only would we be joining in the "fun", but we would also be joining them in receiving their judgement in the final days of this world, when we all must face God. Later in the Chapter, Peter draws from Proverbs to remind us further of the judgement that awaits.

1 Peter 4:18, NIV:
"And, 'If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?'"

At the same time we are being commanded to persist in resisting peer pressure, Peter still commands us not to leave our friends hanging out to dry, despite their continuance in their own sin for this time.

Verses 8-10, NLT:
"Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay. God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God's generosity can flow through you."

There we are told that it is of utmost importance for us to love one another. This is also made clear in 1 John 4:7, probably a more familiar verse to most of us in the King James Version:

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."

So, although our friends may continue in their sin for this time, and we should avoid joining them in doing so, we should still at the same time continue to show God's love, generosity, and grace to them so that at some point they may come to know the salvation that awaits them in Jesus Christ. Also, love itself will keep you from a number of sins on its own. Just going down the list of the Ten Commandments, we can see this.

Your love for God should make the first 4 simple enough.

1.) I am the Lord your God... You shall have no other gods before me.
2.) You shall not worship false idols, for I am a jealous God.
3.) You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
4.) Remember the Sabbath by keeping it holy.

Love for your mother and father will keep you to the 5th.

5.) Honor your father and your mother.

Love (and its partner, respect) for your "neighbor" will help you keep 6 through 10, and love for your spouse should reinforce your adherance to 7 and 10

6.) You shall not murder.
7.) You shall not commit adultery.
8.) You shall not steal.
9.) You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
10.) You shall not covet ... your neighbor's wife ... or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

(The Ten Commandments, as stated above, are roughly quoted from Exodus Chapter 20, NIV.)

Moving along to the second part (I'll try to be brief with this, as I've taken longer than originally intended as it is), the next voice I hear is that of my pastors, who are always reminding us in various sermons that if life is getting rough on us while we're keeping our faith in God, "it's not because we're doing something wrong, it's because we're doing something right!". The last 8 verses are well-summed up in Verse 19 (KJV):

"So if you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you, for he will never fail you."

When you're doing God's work, the Devil isn't going to like you very much, obviously. So, of course he is going to do anything he can to stop you or dissuade you from doing God's work. One of the tools he uses is pressure from your peers through their insults. Other tools include all kinds of general torments in life to distract you or discourage you, such as job loss, car accidents, or death of family or friends. But, if you keep your faith in God through all this, and keep doing the work He has for you to do, then He will not fail you in supporting you through these troubled times, and He will reward you when your time has come, with rewards that far outweigh any suffering you have endured.

Song of the moment: Matthew West - More

Good night, and God bless.

- Iszi

Long Night Cut Short-ish.

2004-06-26T04:24:00.000-04:00

Good morning, Readers.

I hate Friday nights. Not only are they one of the busiest nights of the week, but they're also the night I have an order to do that I just can never seem to have the time for. Compared to some, the order isn't really that big, it's just a matter of getting the time to do it between handling the constant flow of customers and getting the rest of the night's work done. Tonight, however, that got cut short when I just about cut my finger short. While trying to cut the "flaps" off an open box, my box-cutter (fortunately with a *fresh* blade) slipped and sliced open, rather nicely, the middle finger on the hand that was holding the flap. (Fortunately my left hand, as I'm right-handed.) The cut wasn't nearly as deep as it could have been, but still was deep enough that I didn't want to chance damaging it more while I worked on it over the rest of the night, should I have tried to just get by with a simple band-aid. Not to mention it also bled like a stuck pig for a good 10 minutes. So, I called in my manager (although I honestly hated having to do so, as she's been working 7-day weeks, 12+ hours a day for the past few weeks with no let-up) and got my wife out to run me to the hospital.

After about an hour or so, the doctor came in and cleaned me up, then put some "Derma-bond" on the wound to hold it shut and keep it covered. Essentially super-glue for the skin, apparently Derma-bond is being used more often than stitches on some lighter cuts and lacerations these days. Gotta love modern technology.

By the time I got back, my manager had gotten in and re-opened the store. She said for me to just take the rest of the shift off, and come back in the morning so she can (hopefully) go home early. So now, it's nappy-time for me, until I go back to work. Maybe when I get back, I'll get on long enough for another post before I go to sleep again, since "tomorrow" is Saturday and I'll be needing the rest for Saturday night/Sunday morning.

So, until then, good night and God bless.

- Iszi

Now I Remember...

2004-06-25T12:55:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Now I remember why I hated truck nights, although that's not the reason I haven't worked one in awhile. Sometimes, getting the usual work done in time seems difficult enough, and then to be expected to get an extra delivery put up in the same amount of time (also the largest delivery that we as employees have to put up ourselves - accounting for about 50% of the products carried in the store, and all store-use products.) just seems impossible. Last night was no different. The upside of the Thursday night truck is that it is the smaller of the two deliveries we get from this truck per week. Downside is it usually comes much later. Often around the time when we're having to switch from cleaning up for the night to gearing up for the morning, meaning that the only time we have to put it up is in the time when we have the most to do at once to start with. So, last night was kinda rough, but I'm alive.

Now I also remember why I never kept a journal. In 3rd grade, I remember that we were actually required to keep a journal as part of our grade. Every day it seemed that I either had nothing of interest I felt I could write, or whatever I did have in my head, I could not seem to organize into words clearly enough or quickly enough. The latter is the case for me today. There's a few things I've thought of over the night that I would like to write about, but right now I can't seem to organize my thoughts, as my energy level is sapped while the clock ticks its way closer to bedtime. Maybe I just need to start writing earlier in my after-work day, so I can have more time to organize thoughts and such. If anyone else has any ideas to help, I'd much like to hear them.

Meanwhile, some more words of encouragement from the Good Book. Many of you will probably recognize Isaiah 40:30-31.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

See you tomorrow-ish.
- Iszi

(And now for a few Post-Scriptums)
I don't expect to be writing much tomorrow. Just got a phone call from another store today that says they might need help in the morning shift, so I'll probably be coming home late and tired.

Song of the moment: FFH - Breathe in Me.

Also thought now would be a good time to mention that, unless noted otherwise, all Bible references are from the New International Version. It is the translation I personally prefer, and probably one of the most widely recognized and accepted. My alternative translation is usually the King James Version. Many at my church, particularly in the Pastoral Staff, prefer the New Living Translation, which I may also reference from time to time. In any case, you can easily view whichever translation you prefer of any quoted scripture by clicking on the link, and choosing your translation on the page. The website I reference for scripture, BibleGateway.com, hosts 18 translations of the Bible for quick searching and cross-reference.

Last, but not least, I found an interesting blog entry the other day (just browsing through the various "recent blogs" that Blogger lists on the "Dashboard") that I could relate to a bit, and posted my own commentary. Thought you may be interested in seeing it. "Tree-hugger, Pedal-pusher, Optimist" is the blog, authored by a person who calls himself barkeater. Here's the direct link to the post that I commented on.

Not much this time.

2004-06-24T12:02:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Just pretty much stopping in to say hi today. Going to get to bed early this afternoon to rest up for a good, hard night's work. On top of being the first truck night I've worked in awhile, there's also a major inspection expected in the morning, so I want to be ready to get in and get things done when I get up.

In other quick news, Pastor Jayme's wife is home and feeling a little better. The doctors have given her some medicine to help with her nausea, so she shouldn't be getting sick as much, and therefore not as much dehydrated. Also, aside from the typical soreness that comes from a hard night's work, my back has pretty much been pain-free all night. Hopefully this is sign of improvement from whatever condition may have been firing up Tuesday night.

Thank you all again for your prayers, and good night. See you tomorrow.

- Iszi

Prayer Requests

2004-06-23T10:36:00.001-04:00

Good morning, Readers.

I'm here today, yet I know not what to write again. Is this a common problem? Someone starting to write a journal, then not having anything they want to write about a couple days later? About the only real new thing I can think to mention is a prayer need that has arisen in my life.

Last night, while I was at The Living Room (website's not up yet, but feel free to bookmark for when it is), I started feeling a pain in the middle of my back, a little to the right. It came on rather suddenly, just as I was sitting there, and felt horridly familiar. Without going into too much detail, I will say that the last time I felt this pain, it was on my left side and turned out to be an issue with my kidney. The needed surgery put me out of commission for about a month and a half. The doctor told me the cause was congenital, and therefore the issue may later arise with my right kidney as well. Fortunately, at the time, I didn't have a job to worry about, and was still being taken care of by my parents' medical insurance, so funding and time off wasn't an issue for me. Now, I am the sole income provider for my family, and have no medical insurance, nor can I afford it or the time off.

So, prayer on this issue is the only thing I can think of that will help. Last time I had this problem, it actually held for several months before absolutely needing to be fixed (which was just as well, as it was mis-diagnosed in the first few visits), so there is some time to work with, if things run the same this time around. If this is something that God has for me to go through again, then I can only pray that in the time that I have beforehand, a better job can be found where I can afford to get medical insurance and the time off for whatever may be necessary. If that shouldn't be the case, or this isn't the same problem again, I would pray that God helps me to a speedy recovery from whatever this may be, and that if that recovery should involve time off for medical procedures, that He should continue to provide for my family during that time, as He has in our other times and areas of need.

As long as I'm on the topic of prayer requests, let me add my Pastor and Cell Group Leader, Jayme, and his wife Susan. She is in the early months of pregnancy with their third child, and the morning sickness is taking a heavy toll on her right now. The last report I heard was that she'd been admitted to the hospital, after having been at home on IV fluids for a couple days. That was Monday, and I have yet to establish contact with them since. I pray that all will work out well for Susan and her unborn child, and that Jayme will keep God's peace in his soul as he deals with taking on his wife's role at home, while she is in the hospital.

Today's scripture reference is some words of encouragement from the Book of Romans, Chapter 8, Verses 37-39: "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, ... nor any powers, ... nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Thank you all for your prayers.

- Iszi

P.S.:

Song of the Moment: SonicFlood - Lord of the Dance

So, what to write now? - Yee-haw!

2004-06-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

Since the starting of this blog, only a few days ago, I've pretty much either had a topic in mind (the basic "first post" kinda stuff), or been too busy to write. Now, I have a good amount of time to write, but nothing in mind to write about since all the introductory stuff has been pretty much covered at this point.

I guess the best thing to do is turn to scripture, as I had originally said I am intending to do with this. For me, the quickest thing that comes to mind is my "Yee-haw" sermon. I'm not a preacher or pastor at this time, but through the past couple months since coming to ChurhcInTheSon, and consequently coming closer to God, I've had several things come into my thoughts and dreams, and some small reinforcements to those thoughts in my life that are starting to make me wonder if I'm not actually being called to pastoral service. I'll go into more detail on those some other time, but now for my little preach here.

Like most "good Christians", I go to church every Sunday as feasable (which, there is rarely any reason it shouldn't be). I see many people there: friends, family, church staff, ushers, prayer team members, and plenty of people I don't know as well. I come for several purposes: worship, prayer, learning, and fellowship. To me, the most valued of these is worship, which also constitutes the first portion, and almost half of the service. During this time, though, a group of people are revealed that not only stick out when they're nearby, but also worry me. It's those that don't join in praise and worship to our Lord. Now, for those that are new to the church, I can understand. They may feel out of place and don't quite know what's going on. But when I start recognizing these people on a regular basis, and know that they are believers who know what church is for, it bothers me to repeatedly see them come and not worship, or they do so without gusto or joy.

When I consider this, I wonder what reason a person who loves God could have for not wanting to join in praise and worship at a Sunday service, especially for those whose only praise or worship time during the week may be on Sunday. A few things come to mind: Maybe they don't have that great a singing voice, the kind that only sounds good in the shower. Maybe they're disabled and don't feel they can worship since they can't stand with the crowd. Maybe they've had a tough morning getting the kids dressed and out to church, and the stress they're holding onto keeps them from feeling energetic enough to join.

However, in Psalms 98:4 (King James Version)the Bible commands us to "Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise.". It doesn't say our voice has to sound great, it just says to "Make a joyful noise...". It doesn't say we need to stand, or even be upright. We could be sitting, kneeling, on our backs, or laying prostrate, as long as we "Make a joyful noise...". It doesn't even have to consist of words, or anything that makes any literate sense, it just has to be a "...joyful noise...".

So, what's a joyful noise?
Many Christians would immediately respond "Hallelujah!" but what else?

The Marines say "Hoorah!"
Santa Claus says "Ho, ho, ho!"
Many southerners in the United States prefer "Yee-haw!"
The Englishmen have the expression "Cherrio!"
Many a footbal fan would simply shout "Yeah!" after their team has scored a touchdown.
Baseball fans shout "Charge!"

Here's some examples from several television personalities:
Jetsons - "Ooba doobah!"
Flintstones - "Yabba-dabba-doo!"
Ren & Stimpy - "Happy, happy, joy, joy!"
Earthworm Jim - "Whoah, nilly!"
Homer Simpson - "Woo-hoo!"
Tim Taylor - "He, he, ho, ho!"

So, we don't always necessarily have to sing a great and beautiful song, with a voice that should be sold on CDs in a store. Although that is a great, and the most common way to praise and express our love to God, He is just as greatly pleased when we shout "Woo-hoo!", or "Yabba-dabba-doo!" or "Hoorah!" for Him, as long as we're making a noise, and doing it joyfully for Him. And when we make these noises, how can we not be joyful? I personally find it pretty hard to say "Yee-haw!" and not do it loudly, or not feel good about it. If I did, I'd feel pretty stupid-looking, and feel like there was no point in saying the word. The same goes for any worship to the Lord. If it's not done with joy, or gusto, with a happy spirit behind it, the words are wasted.

In Phillipians 4:4, the Bible commands us to "Rejoice in the Lord always..."! It does not say "Rejoice in the Lord when you're having a good day.". It says "Rejoice in the lord always...". Especially on Sunday, the Sabbath day (as recognized by most Christian faiths), which we have been commanded to keep holy (Defined by Merriam-Webster as "devoted entirely to the deity...") in Exodus 20:8.

So, if you ever find yourself in Church, and having a hard time getting in a joyful spirit, just try making any "joyful noise" from your spirit. If you honestly try to make yourself do it, you'll find you will have a hard time doing it without also starting to feel joyous in doing so.

Today's "song of the moment" is Todd Agnew's "This Fragile Breath", one of my favorite praise/worship songs to sing while working in the Vault (big refrigerator where all the cold drinks are sold from at work).

See y'allz later.

- Iszi

No-Post Days

2004-06-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

Greetings, Readers.

First of all, happy belated Father's Day to all those fathers and soon-to-be-fathers out there reading this. Hope it was a good one for you and your families.

Also slightly belated was a little realization I had yesterday: Sundays are probably going to be no-blog days, more often than not. As you may have already read in my previous post, my Sunday schedule goes straight from work, to church, to sleep, to work, with very little room for a buffer zone in between, whether I want it or not. So, I'll not likely be putting in much if any blogging time on Sundays. The most I would expect to do could maybe be just a little "Hi, I'm still here, good night now." note...

...Which is just about all I'm able to do today too, for that matter. Due to some individuals who had to miss work at my store today, one of which did not care to notify us of this coming, my 8-hour night turned into a 19-hour stretch of work. Monday nights are also the nights my Cell Group meets, so I'm actually posting from the house of one of the leaders in the group, as the meeting starts here in about an hour. Immediately after this, I'm headed home to crash for a garunteed 12 hours or more. Anyone wishing to wake me earlier will likely find themselves thoroughly maimed. ;-)

So, with that I bid thee all adieu until tomorrow.

- Iszi