Something Wrong With Me?

Greetings, Readers.

I've been up since 2200 Monday night and it is now almost 0500 Wednesday morning, and I still probably have an hour or so to go before I'll be ready to crash, although I probably should do so sooner.

Part of my sleep problems come from a naturally erratic sleep pattern, helped by a somewhat unregular schedule of daily activities throughout the week, as I have described in this post on my new blog. (Don't worry, that post is clean. Feel free to view if you want to get a rough idea of my schedule throughout a typical week.)

However, I'm starting to wonder if there's not some other reason for all of this. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my marriage hasn't been the most stable as of late, and there's also the added stress of having to keep a baby in a house that shouldn't have one to start with, (something I'll probably rant on more in detail on BMW later) on top of maintaining myself in one of the least sought-after jobs there is on the market. Now add to this the recent subtraction of my wife and daughter from the picture for a month.

Originally, when it was proposed that they go up there for a month, my first thought was "Yes, finally some peace and quiet around here." While proving to be accurate so far, I hadn't anticipated how much that "peace and quiet" would actually get to me at some points. I truly do miss my wife and daughter more than I probably had imagined I would. Always having considered myself a pretty emotionally stable guy, I guess I kinda just figured it would be a small change I'd adapt to and move on through as if it were nothing. Friday night, the last night they were here, was when it actually started to hit me while I was at work. Saturday morning I saw them off, and then took a long bus ride home and landed straight in bed. That was some good, quality, quiet-time sleep right there... once the phone stopped ringing.

When I awoke, though, something in my heart just felt things were wrong in the house. I couldn't hear the TV on in the living room. Half the lights in the house weren't on. No one was in the chair in front of my wife's computer, and the playpen was empty save for a few left-behind toys. That night I worked with a much-weakened feeling spirit. I honestly came close to having a case of the sniffles a few times when I thought about how I was really missing them, and how I should probably have taken Friday night off to spend with them. Then tonight, when I came in to go on the computer about an hour ago, something was also just as much out of place. The light in my room was on, and the bed and crib were empty. No light snoring or rustling as my wife sleeps or my baby rolls over in her crib. Just nothing.

So yeah, this is all bothering me a good bit. I miss my wife coming to drag me out of bed when I'm starting to cut close on time for work. Heck, the nursery at TLR was short-handed tonight, and all I could think of for it was her. And yet she says our marriage needed this time apart. I dunno.

What also bothers me is what I keep hearing from people at work. Last time I checked (probably a year ago or so by now) I stood about 6 feet tall, and fluctuated weight between 130-135 pounds. My complexion has always been rather light, particularly owing to my nocturnal nature, and I've never (since after babyhood) been said to have an ounce of fat tissue on my body. Well, in the time that I've been at this particular store, (3 or 4 months now) several of my co-workers, and even a couple customers have been expressing concern that I've been losing weight badly, and I'm looking pretty pale. The weight part I can tell a little by the way some pants are fitting me. Complexion I notice little difference in except I'm just now starting to tan from some of these bike rides.

In any case, some of these ladies are seriously concerned almost to a maternal degree, if not more so. And now I'm starting to feel it physically, since I'm riding my bike more. But honestly, if I ate the way that I know I could, there wouldn't hardly be money left over for my wife or daughter to eat after rent and tithe are taken out of the paycheck. So now, with everyone but me starting to worry about me, I'm starting to get a little concerned myself. What the heck is wrong with me here?

- Iszi